In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Ask them to come help out when it’s most useful for you like when you or dh goes back to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Not PP, but your latest response shows yout "hostile negative lens" even more. All PP did was ask PP to try to stop judging and see the excitement through a different lens. That PP didn't attack OP or say that she should actually do anything different than planned. You responded that, no OP should continue to judge and view the ILs as "self-centered." It is literally adopting a negative lens. And then you felt the need to call PP a "self-centered boomer"?

Why did you think that warranted calling

[Anonymous]

Do this if you want, but don’t start asking “where’s my village?” when things get hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

DP but you are displaying exactly what the PP means by self centered boomer. Just look at it through a different lens and then you’ll see it better to do whatever the boomer wants. Oooh the boomer is excited, you must forget about your newborns health and your recovery to help the poor little excited boomer. Boomers are insanely entitled. If new parents say two months, you respect it. Stop whining and being manipulative to get your way.

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Not PP, but your latest response shows yout "hostile negative lens" even more. All PP did was ask PP to try to stop judging and see the excitement through a different lens. That PP didn't attack OP or say that she should actually do anything different than planned. You responded that, no OP should continue to judge and view the ILs as "self-centered." It is literally adopting a negative lens. And then you felt the need to call PP a "self-centered boomer"?

Why did you think that warranted calling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

NP. Here is how the conversation could go with an emotionally mature grandparent:

kid: Grandma, when did we meet?

Emotionally mature grandparent: Starting from the day you were born, your dad sent us so many pictures and videos of you. We even did a Facetime and I saw you with your bear and waving a rattle. I finally got to meet you in person when you were 2 months old. You were old enough then that your mom and dad weren't as worried about you getting sick from other people's germs. I was so happy and it was such a special day!

kid: Cool!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Umm no mom who just had her vagina stitched up feels like entertaining guests. Get over yourselves and try to be useful.

Yeah, I love how the PP think the most important person is not 1) the baby, who can get sick, or 2) the mom, who just went through a major medical event but rather 3) the grandparent. That tells us everything we need to know.

[Anonymous]

There s zero benefit to the baby from the grandparents coming right away vs after two months. The benefit is only to the grandparents. It puts the baby at risk and stresses out the new parents. I adore my MIL because she said no problem when we asked people to wait. SIL got pissy because she was missing a Facebook moment where she could post pictures of herself with our kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do this if you want, but don’t start asking “where’s my village?” when things get hard.

My mother was never part of my village. “Well I don’t know Laura, I would never have done that.”

[Anonymous]

How far do they have to travel? If it’s not from across the world, I’d allow a quick 1-3 day visit around the 2 or 3 week mark. Then push off any extended visits until 2+ months.

[Anonymous]

OP, I hear you. We're expecting our second and are trying to figure out a way to not have my in-laws come to the hospital without offending them. After the birth of our first, they found a way to make it all about them. They weren't helpful and caused us a lot of stress. I'm also pretty paranoid about respiratory illnesses, so I get that piece of it too.

However... I think 1-2 months is a really long time. I agree with others that there's not a way to do this that doesn't cause a rift. Can you just have them wear masks and wash their hands when they come over?

[Anonymous]

This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Boomer? Yeah, no. Gen X all the way! We don’t complain or whine. Just suck it up and deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Boomer? Yeah, no. Gen X all the way! We don’t complain or whine. Just suck it up and deal.

Just because you put yourself last doesn't mean everyone else should. It js not something to brag about. I feel sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.