In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

[Anonymous]

You should put a hard limit on the visit length, like one hour and then they are ushered away, provided they are like most grandparents and aren't going to be helpful.
Long visits with unhelpful people will be rage-inducing so be firm about time limits.
You should NOT insist that your baby be two months old before meeting their grandparents. That is not reasonable. You can't imagine how much this means to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Being so far along and starting to lose control of everything that's happening is really hard to deal with right now. Don't make any promises and ask them to be flexible. We often (at least two births) told2 people after the baby was home. Might sound messed up, but you don't know my dad. He'd be right there trying to pull the baby out and taking the baby home. For now, don't even let it get you upset. Just focus on the birth of your baby and you can figure out the rest later when you're up to dealing with your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

Are you alright? Do you disagree with the previous statement?

Oh I’m sorry. Once the baby is born mom doesn’t matter. Let’s do what everyone else wants to do!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It’s not unreasonable at all! Your pediatrician will be relieved. Your baby’s health will be protected. You get a chance to recover before you have to host guests. It’s a no brainer!

The boomer brigade is jumping on you. Hold fast on the boundary. Our first was a preemie during the winter RSV season and we said no visitors for the first three months per the NICU recommendations. SIL pitched a fit, grandparents were less upset but that was only because they don’t like traveling in the winter where there could snow and ice. They all got over it and DD never noticed that they didn’t visit during the first three months.

Your in laws are excited but they will likely be embarrassed that they can’t show a picture of themselves with your hours old newborn. One of their catty friends who bulldozed into her child’s delivery will show them hers. But guess what, they are adults and can deal with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

This is so asinine. I never had these conversations with my grandparents, and I doubt you did either.

My kids ask their grandparents about when they "met" they all the time. It's definitely a thing.

[Anonymous]

I was all set to take your side, op, but that is way too extreme. One or two weeks, I get, but months is pretty heartless. They are the baby's family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Being so far along and starting to lose control of everything that's happening is really hard to deal with right now. Don't make any promises and ask them to be flexible. We often (at least two births) told2 people after the baby was home. Might sound messed up, but you don't know my dad. He'd be right there trying to pull the baby out and taking the baby home. For now, don't even let it get you upset. Just focus on the birth of your baby and you can figure out the rest later when you're up to dealing with your family.

We told people about our babies births after we got home too. The only person who knew was the person watching our dog (and then later, dog and older children). Our parents visited two weeks after we got home and did things like ask why we hadn't folded clean laundry, watered the yard, cleaned the kitchen. My MIL told me "In my day, nobody could even tell I'd given birth after I got home from the hospital - I did everything, in heels and with a smile and lipstick." I stared at her and just said "Then I guess you're a better person than me. You win." They asked about every meal and complained about them. We're just heating up soup. was met with "But what about us? Who's going to do the table?" My MIL was FaceTiming with a friend and went into the nursery to show her the baby, sleeping and talked so loudly she woke the baby up. Some people are just not helpful, and in fact, create more work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

Being so far along and starting to lose control of everything that's happening is really hard to deal with right now. Don't make any promises and ask them to be flexible. We often (at least two births) told2 people after the baby was home. Might sound messed up, but you don't know my dad. He'd be right there trying to pull the baby out and taking the baby home. For now, don't even let it get you upset. Just focus on the birth of your baby and you can figure out the rest later when you're up to dealing with your family.

We told people about our babies births after we got home too. The only person who knew was the person watching our dog (and then later, dog and older children). Our parents visited two weeks after we got home and did things like ask why we hadn't folded clean laundry, watered the yard, cleaned the kitchen. My MIL told me "In my day, nobody could even tell I'd given birth after I got home from the hospital - I did everything, in heels and with a smile and lipstick." I stared at her and just said "Then I guess you're a better person than me. You win." They asked about every meal and complained about them. We're just heating up soup. was met with "But what about us? Who's going to do the table?" My MIL was FaceTiming with a friend and went into the nursery to show her the baby, sleeping and talked so loudly she woke the baby up. Some people are just not helpful, and in fact, create more work.

This is exactly how my MIL is too unfortunately. Maybe its the lead poisoning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I decided that we want to wait 1-2 months after baby is born (next month) for visitors. His parents are being very pushy about wanting to see the baby very quickly after birth. How do we hold the boundary without creating a rift? In his family it’s very common for everyone to be in the hospital etc. I’m just annoyed at our wishes not being respected.

The fact that you ACKNOWLEDGE that is huge. It's tough for them. Having said this, that is their problem. Your new immediate family is just that- yours. Set a clear boundary now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

The only exhausting part about this are the self centered boomers like you.

Np. A lot of us are new moms ourselves. Not boomers but thanks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - what responses! I think asking 1-2 months is not unreasonable, given the massive adjustment we’ll be going through. The rules apply across the board. And for everyone saying “have a heart, let them come at 2-3 weeks” - a month is four weeks. Is it really that big of a difference?

I’ve read several articles advocating waiting at least a month before allowing strangers around. I’m not interested in being immediately post-partum, bleeding, leaking milk/breastfeeding etc with my in-laws around. At least not until I get the hang of it. Is this really cruel, ridiculous, and selfish? I just don’t get these responses.

It is controlling for no reason. You will be fine. Everyone will be fine. Just let the grandparents see experience one of life's rare and precious events by seeing their newborn grandchild soon after it is born. They are not going to take the baby away from you. Being difficult now will not set up well for things between you guys later.

The grandparents are not "being pushy". They are just excited. Would you rather have the opposite?

I say all of this after having BTDT. I was a petty controlling b**** of a DIL for a while.

Fail to see how having boundaries = controlling b****. Also fail to see a huge distinction between two weeks and four weeks.

We have a good relationship generally. DH communicated that we would play it by ear, which is true. But they are chomping at the bit to see the baby within hours/days, which is a non-starter.

They’re excited. Try to stop judging them for just a few minutes and see their excitement coming from a place of love.

Their excitement is self-centered. The focus in the postpartum period should be on the comfort of the new mother.

It must be exhausting to go through life seeing everything through such a hostile, negative lens.

Are you alright? Do you disagree with the previous statement?

Oh I’m sorry. Once the baby is born mom doesn’t matter. Let’s do what everyone else wants to do!

That is literally what that poster meant. Mom is a servant basically. It is maddening.

[Anonymous]

Did anybody mention "Postpartum Doula" yet?

ILs get a meet, then this person runs the show.