In-laws being pushy about visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You really want your kids to later say -grandma where were you when I was born? Granny says well honey I wasn’t there because I wasn’t welcome. Your mommy and daddy kept you away from me for months after you were born so I never knew you as a tiny baby.

My kids literally never asked any grandparent that. Stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really just the beginning of a lifetime/era of this sort of conflict and potentially hurt feelings.

It would help to not start off so defensive.

There are boundaries and then there are boundaries. The grandparents are not doing anything wrong. Keep that in mind and have some empathy. You have all the control here, not them. That is how they see it. So keep that in mind.

Stop making the grandparents the center of attention. It isn’t about them. It’s about the health of the baby and sanity of the new parents. Keep in mind that you and other boomers aren’t entitled to every want , especially if it isn’t in the best interests of others.

Nobody is making the grandparents the center of attention. This post was specifically about grandparents, however.

I am not a grandparent or a boomer and heck my parents aren't even boomers. But I was once a paranoid new mom and I am sort of mortified by how I acted (which is like OP and some on here) and I am telling OP now that it is ok to relax and engender good feelings and trust all around by letting the grandparents see their new grandbaby even if just for a bit the first few days. It sounds like both families are local so I don't understand the issue. It is not like they are going to sleeping on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m assuming this is your first. Seems like a classic first time parent control set up.

OP - they’ve had children, your MIL has presumably given birth….it’s not that big of a deal. I think if you do this you will really sour your relationship with your family. My MIL was in the hospital with me for my first (my DH gets queezy and my parents live far away) and they were waiting at home for our 2nd and 3rd. Grandparents are a gift….treat them with kindness and they will be grateful. But isolate and you will burn bridges.

Ridiculous. Birth is a huge deal and some of us have persistent problems after. Although grandmas may choose to forget that as the decades go by....

[Anonymous]

My grandmother and aunt desperately needed to visit from several states away when my daughter was less than a month old. I told them that we would meet them at the zoo for an hour in the afternoon, and that is what we did. Can you keep them at arm’s length?

[Anonymous]

Remarkable how this anonymous thread alone reveals who I would enjoy having in my life with versus those I would not lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remarkable how this anonymous thread alone reveals who I would enjoy having in my life with versus those I would not lol

Can't have life without birth and you can't have birth without every relative...or can you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

This.

I urge you to reconsider. You are being absolutely ridiculous.

By the time I had my third, I was hoping my in-laws arrived before I went into labor so I could relax.

The best thing you can do for your marriage is realize your husband’s family is now your family as well. Plus, grandparents are a blessing. They will always be your child’s biggest cheerleader.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. Hold firm.

[Anonymous]

OP, I actually get where you are coming from. My babies were born before covid- between that and rsv and all I'd want to keep my baby in a bubble for a year! I'd be vigilant for sure.

No one (except dh) needs to be at the hospital. I can't imagine that a hospital would allow a bunch of people hanging around anyhow.

If you and dh decide that a month or two months is what you are comfortable with-then do that. You need to make the choices that are best for your family (you, dh and baby). The grandparents have to deal.

I have 2 married kids now, so hopefully grandchildren at some point-and my question to them will be 'when/how would you like me to meet baby?' It's their baby. I'm the grandparent regardless of when I meet them.

[Anonymous]

Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Do shut up. Especially with cold/flu/RSV/COVID, it’s perfectly fine to let mom and baby recover without having to deal with visitors. GOOD family members are patient, respectful, caring and supportive. Full. Stop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Do shut up. Especially with cold/flu/RSV/COVID, it’s perfectly fine to let mom and baby recover without having to deal with visitors. GOOD family members are patient, respectful, caring and supportive. Full. Stop.

We dealt with winter flu and other illnesses long before covid. Post covid it’s rather easy to ask grandparents to minimize exposure in the weeks leading up to delivery and to wear a mask when visiting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here’s what might not occur to you first timers:

1. It might be nice for the grandparents (all grandparents—not just the mother’s parents) to pop by the hospital for a quick visit the next day. Nice photo op, and bonus points if they bring the new parents something to eat. (That’s what my parents and in-laws did; we staggered the visits.)

2. Your husband might quickly feel overwhelmed once you get home. He might actually need the help of his parents. Extra hands are usually helpful…particularly if they stay elsewhere but show up with good food and treats for the new parents.

3. You will be running on adrenaline the first week or so…and the baby will sleep a lot. Then you’ll feel exhausted once reality kicks in. You’ll want someone to cuddle the baby while you shower or nap. And so will your husband.

4. Don’t underestimate how exhausted and stressed your husband will be. Let him decide what kind of support he needs.

5. Don’t draw a distinction between your parents and his parents. Everyone should be treated with love.

First let me say that both sets of parents came to the hospital for both births, and both got dedicated time visiting after the birth for both of my babies. So no, you won’t get to accuse me of not “treating everyone with love.”

That said, your #5 is completely ridiculous. You might have a leg to stand on if both parents went through equal hell to bring a baby into this world, but nope. A NEW MOTHER IS A PATIENT. She has gone through a physical ordeal any way the birth went, and she may need rest, privacy, peace, and being cared for by whomever makes her feel the most comfortable and the most confident. Could this be a MIL? Sure. But more often, a new mom is way more comfortable with her actual mother than with a woman she may well have met in her late 20s or so and perhaps has only spent time with for a few weeks or months, added all up. So no, it’s not all “equal.” Many of us don’t feel equally comfortable breastfeeding or being physically vulnerable around our ILs, thank you very much.

Should everyone feel welcomed and loved and part of the family? Yes. But let’s not act like a vulnerable mom is going to feel just as comfortable around her MIL as with the woman who literally brought her into the world. Please. Stop with fantasyland.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Do shut up. Especially with cold/flu/RSV/COVID, it’s perfectly fine to let mom and baby recover without having to deal with visitors. GOOD family members are patient, respectful, caring and supportive. Full. Stop.

We dealt with winter flu and other illnesses long before covid. Post covid it’s rather easy to ask grandparents to minimize exposure in the weeks leading up to delivery and to wear a mask when visiting.

Welp, you’re not welcome where you’re not wanted, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you do that? This is your family. The baby’s family. Families come together for important events. There is something wrong that needs some immediate therapy if you can’t have healthy, normal interactions. Keepiny grandparents away for a month or more is almost cruel.

Do shut up. Especially with cold/flu/RSV/COVID, it’s perfectly fine to let mom and baby recover without having to deal with visitors. GOOD family members are patient, respectful, caring and supportive. Full. Stop.

We dealt with winter flu and other illnesses long before covid. Post covid it’s rather easy to ask grandparents to minimize exposure in the weeks leading up to delivery and to wear a mask when visiting.

I had my babies 'long before covid' and no, we didn't have a pandemic, rsv and the flu all at once!