He's vacationing with his ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re insecure AF.

You'd be cool with the guy you're seeing traveling across the country to spend a major holiday with his ex-wife? I guess I must be insecure too then.

NP. No, she’s insecure for being OK with dating a guy who “loses touch” for a MONTH *and* is vacationing with his ex-wife. When I was dating, if a guy didn’t contact me for a week, I took it as ghosting and wouldn’t reply if he tried to get in touch again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so strange how much people are ignoring the fact that this isn’t just some random vacation. Not going to Colorado with them could well mean that he wouldn’t see his kids at all over Christmas. Kind of a mixed message from a generally that generally tends to loath disengaged fathers.

although in fairness if this is the only way he can see and spend time with them he probably isn’t much of an engaged father.

A lot custody agreements have alternating holidays. Has nothing to do with him being engaged or not. Mom planned a ski trip for her agreed upon time, invited her ex so he could be with them over holiday. He sees that as a great opportunity to spend time with kids and agrees to go. OP is insulted because he was a jerk an chose to spend the time with his kids, like an engaged parent would.

[Anonymous]

Walk away. You need to be supportive of parenting choices like this. OK if you can’t be - but walk away.

[Anonymous]

So, you see intimate enough with him to have sex, but not to have an adult conversation. How old are both of you?

[Anonymous]

Better than someone bitter and who can’t let go of the victim narrative.

[Anonymous]

The question is whether OP should be okay dating a man who vacations with his ex, not whether the guy she’s dating is being a good coparent (which is debatable because of the mixed signals). NFW!!! I guess you get what you think you deserve. I would never tangle myself up in this mess. OP is clearly just a booty call in this man’s world, and women have a million options for booty calls that don’t involve this level of enmeshment. Move on.

[Anonymous]

He disappeared for a month? I’d be done, I have platonic friends that don’t treat me this shabbily no way would I put up with it from someone I was sleeping with.
If you do want to keep seeing him, you’ve gotten some great advice on page 5, you deserve an actual conversation, with a solid rationale on why he disappeared and why he’s going away with his ex. Kid or no kid, if he’d like to be with her, he can be, he doesn’t need you.
For those who say “divorce is different”, “they’re still a family”, that’s just nonsense. If you like your ex that much, then you don’t need to be dating. OP’s guy is taking advantage of the fact they were friends (and nobody wants to believe a friend would treat them badly) and is then using the “but it’s because of the kid and it’s Christmas) to make OP put up with behavior she’d normally not tollerate.
I’d tell him to enjoy his family and not to contact you again. Then if he does, don’t engage, {no means no” and he needs to respect that. Remember, you can always get a restraining order against him, and I would if he contacts you after you tell him to leave you alone. Remember, he had you once, he disappeared, then he reappears which is shady a.f, and then he adds that he’ll be enjoying his ex over Christmas. All around, not a good guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are perfectly fine to walk away. But I would walk because he's ghosted you for a solid month, not because he's spending Christmas with his kids. That could be great (coparents of the year!) or terrible (still sleeping with his ex), but you'll never be sure because he doesn't communicate well so you will suspect that silence is covering sins.

I agree with this. You are a casual f*** to him. This is fine if you don't want more, but, it sounds like you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He disappeared for a month? I’d be done, I have platonic friends that don’t treat me this shabbily no way would I put up with it from someone I was sleeping with.
If you do want to keep seeing him, you’ve gotten some great advice on page 5, you deserve an actual conversation, with a solid rationale on why he disappeared and why he’s going away with his ex. Kid or no kid, if he’d like to be with her, he can be, he doesn’t need you.
For those who say “divorce is different”, “they’re still a family”, that’s just nonsense. If you like your ex that much, then you don’t need to be dating. OP’s guy is taking advantage of the fact they were friends (and nobody wants to believe a friend would treat them badly) and is then using the “but it’s because of the kid and it’s Christmas) to make OP put up with behavior she’d normally not tollerate.
I’d tell him to enjoy his family and not to contact you again. Then if he does, don’t engage, {no means no” and he needs to respect that. Remember, you can always get a restraining order against him, and I would if he contacts you after you tell him to leave you alone. Remember, he had you once, he disappeared, then he reappears which is shady a.f, and then he adds that he’ll be enjoying his ex over Christmas. All around, not a good guy.

OP: I'm still reading, and I feel like this is really sound advice (Many replies have been, so thanks!) I did ask what happened when he went an entire month without speaking to me, and I got some BS excuse which sounded a lot like "Ugh, I know. I suck. I'm the worst. I was so swamped with work. I take on way more than I should and I don't know how to stop. And I was stressed out because I moved." Absolutely nothing that would've kept him from reaching out, in short.

I know shit happens. I've experienced bouts of depression or stress where I didn't want to talk to anyone for a while... whatever. I tried to be understanding. But the shadiness of the ex-wife trip is too much on the heels of that. I have been trying to listen to my therapist, who tells me I seem to have excellent intuition and but never seem to listen to it. Something inside me always sounds the alarm for something being off early on, and my attempts to be a laid back, calm, cool person override that. Not this time. I think you're right -- he's not a good guy.

[Anonymous]

He is vacationing with his daughters. Yes, he might sleep with his ex-wife. Yes, you are entitled to not want this.

Op, you can create the life you want. If you don't want this, don't live this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be okay. It’s a way for him to actually spend Christmas with his girls.
Would you rather he prefer to hang with his new girlfriend? Yes, it could be weird or it could be a sign he’s a connected involved dad that’s willing to compromise. I’d reserve judgement.

OP: Part of being divorced is splitting holidays though. You don't continue to act like you're a nuclear family.

Ugh, OP you don't get it. No, divorce =/= never spending holidays together. They'll be a family forever. That's what happens when you have children together. His kids are a higher priority than you and if he's a decent parent then they always will be. You're the stereotypical jealous, insecure woman with no kids who's threatened by the Dad's commitment to his family. Any decent stepmom would support this commitment and be a source of love and support for the kids, not competing with them like you are. You're not stepmom material.

Plus the whole ghosting you for a month is reason enough to walk away. You need to find someone without kids so you both can be DINKS together.

[Anonymous]

If you knew the things me and my ex-husband do, you'd steer clear. Ex-spouses don't travel to see family together just for the kids, and anyone who thinks otherwise is quite naive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be okay. It’s a way for him to actually spend Christmas with his girls.
Would you rather he prefer to hang with his new girlfriend? Yes, it could be weird or it could be a sign he’s a connected involved dad that’s willing to compromise. I’d reserve judgement.

OP: Part of being divorced is splitting holidays though. You don't continue to act like you're a nuclear family.

Ugh, OP you don't get it. No, divorce =/= never spending holidays together. They'll be a family forever. That's what happens when you have children together. His kids are a higher priority than you and if he's a decent parent then they always will be. You're the stereotypical jealous, insecure woman with no kids who's threatened by the Dad's commitment to his family. Any decent stepmom would support this commitment and be a source of love and support for the kids, not competing with them like you are. You're not stepmom material.

Plus the whole ghosting you for a month is reason enough to walk away. You need to find someone without kids so you both can be DINKS together.

Oh my.
Op- I wouldn’t let posts like this muddy your thinking. You can date divorced men with children and would probably make a good step mom to some one who has a different family dynamic than this persons “Forever family”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you knew the things me and my ex-husband do, you'd steer clear. Ex-spouses don't travel to see family together just for the kids, and anyone who thinks otherwise is quite naive.

Not the OP but I'm interested in the psychology behind this dynamic if you're up for elaborating. Is it just now that you don't live together anymore he's easier to tolerate and you can see the things you use to like about him more easily? Or you can just tolerate him now and the sex is good? Do you worry about your kids (I assume you have kids) picking up on this dynamic? Will it make things harder if one of you wants to pursue a LTR with someone else?

[Anonymous]

Np here, a few years back, I went on vacation with my ex and two of our four children. We slept in the same bed, had sex and a good time. Went our separate ways home after the vacation.

They are still screwing and it’s the holidays so lots of nostalgia is in the air. Cut your loses.