He's vacationing with his ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How long has he been divorced? It might be too soon for him to be dating.

OP: Years. I don't know the exact number off the top of my head, but at least 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I was very casually seeing some guy, non exclusive and on and off and he had an issue with me having Christmas with my ex and kids, I would be done with him.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be okay. It’s a way for him to actually spend Christmas with his girls.
Would you rather he prefer to hang with his new girlfriend? Yes, it could be weird or it could be a sign he’s a connected involved dad that’s willing to compromise. I’d reserve judgement.

OP: Part of being divorced is splitting holidays though. You don't continue to act like you're a nuclear family.

That’s a very narrow view of things. He ghosted you for a month. That’s the biggest issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are perfectly fine to walk away. But I would walk because he's ghosted you for a solid month, not because he's spending Christmas with his kids. That could be great (coparents of the year!) or terrible (still sleeping with his ex), but you'll never be sure because he doesn't communicate well so you will suspect that silence is covering sins.

The bold, OP. Re-read the bold above and think about it.

The Christmas trip could be entirely about the kids and that would be fine. You'll get a ton of knee-jerk "no way" responses on DCUM based on zero knowledge of why he's there pr what the arrangements actually are. For all you know he stays in a hotel or with a different family member -- his ex's family is still his kids' family, OP -- and may not be sleeping anywhere near the ex, etc. And is there to be with the kids on Christmas. You, yourself, posted that being divorced means splitting vacations but you seem unaware that that's not absolute in every single divorce forever, OP. Maybe there are circumstances you know nothing about, like one of the grandparents on the ex's side is sick and ex wants the kids to see that grandparent but needs extra hands to help. Whatever.

All that, or the simple "are you still screwing your ex?" issue, could all be answered...if you and he communicated like adults.

Since you and he supposedly know each other well enough to have sex, why don't you know him well enough to ASK him straight out about why he's with his ex? But then-- why doesn't he know you, or care about you, enough to want to TELL you about the arrangements in the first place?

I would be very blunt, tell him you needed time for an hour's Zoom or FaceTime (not text, not email) and then say frankly that you felt blindsided by him talking with you about taking the relationship further, then going silent for a month. Just leave it there and see what his reaction is. "Why did you not contact me for a month? I feel I have a right to know." And wait for an answer. Only after that would I get into how the trip makes you feel. I would not get all accusatory and angry but would hear him out first (and maybe get angry then if he was being evasive!). He's been stupid, but also, you need to be direct with him and ask frankly if he's thinking of getting back with his ex, because you don't understand the idea of vacationing with an ex even "for the kids." Have you said exactly that to him?

I find it a bit odd myself that you firmly describe your relationship with him as "casual" then a few posts later you say "we've both expressed interest in this developing further." Which is it? Sounds like it was in the delicate in-between stage (for you at least) when he went silent. Maybe the "developing further" talk was more one-sided than you realized and that's why he went dark?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me fix the title for you, OP.

"He's going to Colorado to bang his ex-wife and play house so he can come home and get back in bed with me while pretending to be a great dad. Am I justified to dump this POS?"

There you go.

Maybe don't get into bed in the first place so casually, then. Know him and his values and arrangements with his ex before letting him bang you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let me fix the title for you, OP.

"He's going to Colorado to bang his ex-wife and play house so he can come home and get back in bed with me while pretending to be a great dad. Am I justified to dump this POS?"

There you go.

Maybe don't get into bed in the first place so casually, then. Know him and his values and arrangements with his ex before letting him bang you.

Ok, Mom.

[Anonymous]

We do this. There’s absolutely nothing going on. Kids are 13 and 10. They love it. It is not confusing for them. It demonstrates that they are the most important people to both of us and that we’re a family, differently configured. We date, we know each other’s partners, we support their kids. Family and friendships can be more inclusive and the kids can be loved and supported by a group of safe adults that honor the relationships that are important to them. People are complex, life is long, kids aren’t stupid and can handle nuance. However, this doesn’t really sound like a situation for you. Do yourself, that guy, his ex, their kids, and the future people each might date who would would be a better fit, a favor. Walk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’re not married or engaged. Only “casual”. Therefore, he’s a free agent. Own it.

OP: I mean, I know. But we've been seeing one another/sleeping together, and we've both expressed interest in this developing further. Relationships have to begin somewhere.

He has children. He ghosted you. You're only having sex. Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

I find it so strange how much people are ignoring the fact that this isn’t just some random vacation. Not going to Colorado with them could well mean that he wouldn’t see his kids at all over Christmas. Kind of a mixed message from a generally that generally tends to loath disengaged fathers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be okay. It’s a way for him to actually spend Christmas with his girls.
Would you rather he prefer to hang with his new girlfriend? Yes, it could be weird or it could be a sign he’s a connected involved dad that’s willing to compromise. I’d reserve judgement.

OP: Part of being divorced is splitting holidays though. You don't continue to act like you're a nuclear family.

That’s a very narrow view of things. He ghosted you for a month. That’s the biggest issue.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so strange how much people are ignoring the fact that this isn’t just some random vacation. Not going to Colorado with them could well mean that he wouldn’t see his kids at all over Christmas. Kind of a mixed message from a generally that generally tends to loath disengaged fathers.

although in fairness if this is the only way he can see and spend time with them he probably isn’t much of an engaged father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do this. There’s absolutely nothing going on. Kids are 13 and 10. They love it. It is not confusing for them. It demonstrates that they are the most important people to both of us and that we’re a family, differently configured. We date, we know each other’s partners, we support their kids. Family and friendships can be more inclusive and the kids can be loved and supported by a group of safe adults that honor the relationships that are important to them. People are complex, life is long, kids aren’t stupid and can handle nuance. However, this doesn’t really sound like a situation for you. Do yourself, that guy, his ex, their kids, and the future people each might date who would would be a better fit, a favor. Walk.

You won’t really know how your kids feel about this until they are adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a guy I've been seeing casually for a little while. We lost touch for a month or so, but he reached out to me and said he wanted to see me again, apologized for the silence, and said he would do better with his communication (which he has). However, he told me he is vacationing with his ex-wife and their twin girls (kids are 10) to see her family in Colorado for Christmas. I find this super weird, and I don't really want to be involved with anyone who is vacationing with their ex-spouse. I know we're not committed to one another or anything like that yet, but it still gives me all kinds of red flags.

Am I alone in this? I'm thinking of just walking away from the situation.

Walk but you ain’t getting any younger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We do this. There’s absolutely nothing going on. Kids are 13 and 10. They love it. It is not confusing for them. It demonstrates that they are the most important people to both of us and that we’re a family, differently configured. We date, we know each other’s partners, we support their kids. Family and friendships can be more inclusive and the kids can be loved and supported by a group of safe adults that honor the relationships that are important to them. People are complex, life is long, kids aren’t stupid and can handle nuance. However, this doesn’t really sound like a situation for you. Do yourself, that guy, his ex, their kids, and the future people each might date who would would be a better fit, a favor. Walk.

You won’t really know how your kids feel about this until they are adults.

The same can be said for all of parenting.

[Anonymous]

This is what dating is all about, you learn about a person and you make decision about what you like/don't like.

That is a red flag for you, that is a sign of a great guy to me.

You decide, nobody can tell you what is right for you.