He's vacationing with his ex-wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a guy I've been seeing casually for a little while. We lost touch for a month or so, but he reached out to me and said he wanted to see me again, apologized for the silence, and said he would do better with his communication (which he has). However, he told me he is vacationing with his ex-wife and their twin girls (kids are 10) to see her family in Colorado for Christmas. I find this super weird, and I don't really want to be involved with anyone who is vacationing with their ex-spouse. I know we're not committed to one another or anything like that yet, but it still gives me all kinds of red flags.

Am I alone in this? I'm thinking of just walking away from the situation.

OP, an interesting way to crack this nut would be to plan to join them on the Colorado journey but a little bit on the down low. Staying with them could be awkward and would blow your cover, so perhaps you pose as a neighbor who just happened to drop by, or an Uber eats driver or some other delivery or transactional support person (Gas co.?) who can show up once or twice and get a look-see at the overall dynamic between them and who’s-doing what. Your significant other would know it was you, and the kids, but the ex would just think you were “Kathy” from Uber Eats or whatever. Would give you more info on which to make your decision.

Please ignore the stalker advice.

Snobby!

[Anonymous]

Nope. No. Nada. Never.

[Anonymous]

It’s weird. Obviously it’s nice for them to have a friendly coparenting relationship but, yes, what you described is weird.

Obviously, you will make the decision as to whether or not you will deal with this kind of stuff.

[Anonymous]

Definitely leave this person.

He comes w/too much baggage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date someone who has positive relationship with their ex with whom they co-parent rather than someone with an antagonist relationship.

OP: There's no middle ground between antagonist relationships and vacationing together? I think it's lovely when exes have a positive relationship with one another. I celebrate that! But vacationing together is way over the top.

+1 to the power of infinity. Everyone on here saying how they "would" feel like it's a great, positive, progressive thing that he's doing "for the kids" is delusional. Unless you have been or are currently in this position, it is SO easy to be self righteous and judgmental. Dismount your moral high horse for just one minute and be honest with yourselves - would you ACTUALLY think this is a beautiful, selfless act if you were the one on the other side....feeling hurt, betrayed, and "less than"? Feeling like you come second to not only his kids but also his ex-wife? Give me a break. If anyone actually DOES feel this way, please, PLEASE tell me what kind of medication you are on because I want some!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would much rather date someone who has positive relationship with their ex with whom they co-parent rather than someone with an antagonist relationship.

OP: There's no middle ground between antagonist relationships and vacationing together? I think it's lovely when exes have a positive relationship with one another. I celebrate that! But vacationing together is way over the top.

+1 to the power of infinity. Everyone on here saying how they "would" feel like it's a great, positive, progressive thing that he's doing "for the kids" is delusional. Unless you have been or are currently in this position, it is SO easy to be self righteous and judgmental. Dismount your moral high horse for just one minute and be honest with yourselves - would you ACTUALLY think this is a beautiful, selfless act if you were the one on the other side....feeling hurt, betrayed, and "less than"? Feeling like you come second to not only his kids but also his ex-wife? Give me a break. If anyone actually DOES feel this way, please, PLEASE tell me what kind of medication you are on because I want some!

Agree with you wholeheartedly. It’s easy to look at a situation and know morally what you should feel, but it’s a whole different ballgame to actually experience it and know what it means for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you knew the things me and my ex-husband do, you'd steer clear. Ex-spouses don't travel to see family together just for the kids, and anyone who thinks otherwise is quite naive.

Not the OP but I'm interested in the psychology behind this dynamic if you're up for elaborating. Is it just now that you don't live together anymore he's easier to tolerate and you can see the things you use to like about him more easily? Or you can just tolerate him now and the sex is good? Do you worry about your kids (I assume you have kids) picking up on this dynamic? Will it make things harder if one of you wants to pursue a LTR with someone else?

We've got a few years of divorce under our belt now (less than 5), we've been able to discuss what went wrong in the marriage and apologized. Space has definitely helped. The fact that we don't live together is a huge plus. The sex has always been amazing. Kids are teens and have no idea. I go to his place most of the time. Yes, I imagine it will definitely make things harder if one of us wants to pursue a LTR with someone else. We've known each other for 20+ years, I guess it's a bond that even divorce couldn't totally sever. Neither of us are looking to remarry the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are perfectly fine to walk away. But I would walk because he's ghosted you for a solid month, not because he's spending Christmas with his kids. That could be great (coparents of the year!) or terrible (still sleeping with his ex), but you'll never be sure because he doesn't communicate well so you will suspect that silence is covering sins.

Agree

[Anonymous]

I am divorced 10 years and we have two children. I would never vacation with my ex. I dated someone similar to your boyfriend or whatever it is you call him. He ghosted you for a month. I’m sorry to say he’s not into you. You are plan B. You deserve so so so much more! Move on to brighter pastures! Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Wondering if there is something else going on, such as a grandparent or other family member on the ex's/mom's side who is sick or elderly or has other issues where the holiday this year is about the grandkids seeing that relative while they stilll can, and he's going to help with logistics and handling the kids. But that kind of explanation would never be believed by the DCUM "every man is banging his ex if he's alone with her again" crowd.

Did OP ever return to say if she had TALKED to him and been honest about how it makes her feel? Owned her feelings and expressed them? Because that's what adults do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's a guy I've been seeing casually for a little while. We lost touch for a month or so, but he reached out to me and said he wanted to see me again, apologized for the silence, and said he would do better with his communication (which he has). However, he told me he is vacationing with his ex-wife and their twin girls (kids are 10) to see her family in Colorado for Christmas. I find this super weird, and I don't really want to be involved with anyone who is vacationing with their ex-spouse. I know we're not committed to one another or anything like that yet, but it still gives me all kinds of red flags.

Am I alone in this? I'm thinking of just walking away from the situation.

OP, an interesting way to crack this nut would be to plan to join them on the Colorado journey but a little bit on the down low. Staying with them could be awkward and would blow your cover, so perhaps you pose as a neighbor who just happened to drop by, or an Uber eats driver or some other delivery or transactional support person (Gas co.?) who can show up once or twice and get a look-see at the overall dynamic between them and who’s-doing what. Your significant other would know it was you, and the kids, but the ex would just think you were “Kathy” from Uber Eats or whatever. Would give you more info on which to make your decision.

DP.

WAIT. The post above sounds extremely similar to a response on a thread on DCUM a while ago. I recall it clearly and there was even the advice about posing as a neighbor or delivery driver.

I found it. From July 2022: Thread was "He's vacationing with his ex-wife." The Uber Eats driver advice was there in an only slightly different form:
Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?

https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1068010.page

The thread went on to discuss this loony, immature idea and someone doubled down on it and suggested that the OP prime her boyfriend to talk to his ex along the lines of "Gee, that Uber driver was cute" etc. Beyond strange. Someone out there has a weird fantasy about pretending to be Kathy/Cathy the Uber Eats Driver and stalking her boyfriend and his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if there is something else going on, such as a grandparent or other family member on the ex's/mom's side who is sick or elderly or has other issues where the holiday this year is about the grandkids seeing that relative while they stilll can, and he's going to help with logistics and handling the kids. But that kind of explanation would never be believed by the DCUM "every man is banging his ex if he's alone with her again" crowd.

Did OP ever return to say if she had TALKED to him and been honest about how it makes her feel? Owned her feelings and expressed them? Because that's what adults do.

OP: I did try talk to him. He made it pretty clear with his vague, half-assed responses that he wasn't willing to communicate like an adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wondering if there is something else going on, such as a grandparent or other family member on the ex's/mom's side who is sick or elderly or has other issues where the holiday this year is about the grandkids seeing that relative while they stilll can, and he's going to help with logistics and handling the kids. But that kind of explanation would never be believed by the DCUM "every man is banging his ex if he's alone with her again" crowd.

Did OP ever return to say if she had TALKED to him and been honest about how it makes her feel? Owned her feelings and expressed them? Because that's what adults do.

Why exactly would this man need to "help with logistics" and "handling the kids" if the ex-wife's parent is sick or elderly? That makes no sense whatsoever. Is his ex-wife incapable of handling her two (relatively older) children near sick and old people? What kind of logistics could there possibly be? You just hang out and spend time with someone who is sick/elderly. They're not going on a tour of Europe. Give me a break. These kids aren't babies, and they're going back to the mother's hometown with her family where there will be plenty of people to assist.

[Anonymous]

Completely agree, PP. One thing my ex and STBX can agree on is they both had a big problem with my choice of wig and eyewear. I tried explaining that the first was from a perfectly reputable online wig dealer and the glasses were modeled on those made by Warby Parker and that type of thing, but neither was deemed "acceptable." BTDT!