Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

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11/04/2022 09:55

Subject: Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

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Anonymous

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Anonymous wrote:so what if strangers think your kid is being rude? Maybe it's embarrassing for you but it doesn't matter in the long run.

It does matter to OP's kid because she doesn't understand boundaries and differences in positions of authority and that is a problem for her now and it's only going to get worse as she gets older. OP's kid needs to understand that she is not in the same position as an adult at a museum. There is also going to spillover. If she is doing this at a museum, she is doing this with her friends and teachers and she will do it with service providers and then professors, colleagues, and her managers.

NT kids pick up on social cues about boundaries and authority figures better than ASD or ADHD kids but still need boundaries reinforced, including that you do not speak to an adult who is not your parent like your parent. It does not matter how smart OP's daughter is, she will have a very difficult time in the working world if she thinks that she knows better than everyone else and her actions reflect that. Even if it's clear she has ASD and people are understanding of her quirks, she will irritate her colleagues if she doesn't understand boundaries. I've seen it happen and I really wish the person who I saw it happen with had more help and coaching prior to getting into the working world because for HR reasons, it's very tricky for a manager or colleague to sit an employee down and explain that their actions are unwelcome when those actions are tied to a disability. OP needs to coach her daughter when it's appropriate and important to advocate for herself or someone else and what it is important and appropriate to stand back and let something go.

This is a new poster and I do agree with this. However, I don't think those PP's who are saying "teach her differently" have kids that do this, as it is MUCH harder than that.

My kid is 14 and this is an issue. She "does not understand boundaries and the differences in positions of authority" is a perfect way to describe this. I don't recall her doing this at 6, other than being a little rude to grandma (boy, did we get hell for that). She didn't correct people in museums or walk up to random strangers and be "rude." But boy has it gotten worse, and it is not easy to teach or coach an Autistic brain on this subject, it just isn't. Our kid has been in therapy galore, social skills groups, OT, everything you can think of. She doesn't say please and thank you even though we remind her constantly (she does sometimes, but "forgets" other times). Her emails and interactions with teachers are astoundingly rude sounding. Our other child charms the pants off of teachers and adults most of the time (not to compare, they are two very different kids), just to point out that I don't think it is primarily our parenting.

If anyone has suggestions about how to improve this, I'm all ears - we have tried and coach every single situation we learn about. But not only does it change, we get lectured by our DD. "Why do adults deserve more respect just because they are older" (when that is not what we said), "why should I not call someone out for being [homophobic, racist, sexist, ableist] etc." (even when we explain that it is not what you say, it is how you say it). I becomes an absolutely exhausting intellectual debate and I always lose. She just doesn't get how this does and is going to continue to affect her relationships and how others view her. I am certainly afraid of how she will get along as she gets older, in school, in college, in the working world. Particularly with people she doesn't like or who are inconsequential to HER, doesn't matter if they have a lot of power over her.

Just saying, OP, it's not becuase you're not trying or modeling or coaching or whatever. It's just hard.

NP. We have a kid like this too - doesn't' understand and rebels against hierarchy, doesn't see hierarchy or authority and will actively level against people she doesn't like, as well as against people she does like (including us her parents). I have family members who are like this too and employment (as well as school) has been a problem for them.

This is a core part of her, and them. I can teach and model but I can't change her. This is who she is.

That’s right. And the more you try to pound a core part of their wiring out of them, the more likely they are to feel like you’ve traumatized them and just taught them to mask for their entire childhood.

It IS traumatising to them, you ARE teaching them how to mask and then expecting them to do so indefinitely.

I feel like "masking" is not the relevant frame here. Masking is about suppressing stims and tics, forcing uncomfortable eye contact, and just generally pushing your ASD kid into a NT box by making them uncomfortable.

But asking an ASD kid to exercise basic care with the emotions of other human beings is not oppressive. Other human beings also have feelings, and will absolutely protect themselves from those who seek to hurt them. In this case, that protection would take the form of social isolation, which none of us want for our children.