Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

[Anonymous]

DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

[Anonymous]

Set up a new rule about talking to strangers. This can also be a good safety measure for a young child. She is not to speak to adults she doesn’t know.

I’d think most adults take a 6Yo with a grain of salt. But reactions will get worse as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Does your daughter know that she is breaking rules by being rude and interrupting strangers? Correct her behavior too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter know that she is breaking rules by being rude and interrupting strangers? Correct her behavior too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

1) Reinforce appropriate boundaries with your daughter. There are situations in which it is acceptable to beeline over to strangers to correct them in mid-conversation or to tell adults they are wrong, but there are also situations in which it is not OK to do this. A lot of friction will be created in her life by doing this and you will not always be there to protect her or smooth things over. Maybe in situations like at the museum coach her to tell you or another person with her what is incorrect about the comment instead of telling the person across the room. This could easily lead to offended teachers (if she is in a mainstream classroom) and at some point, offended managers or co-workers.

2) I would say something like "Apologies, she's really passionate about this" to add some levity. I don't think that there is a line that will work 100% of the time though. Your daughter is inserting herself into situations inappropriately and the older she gets the more awkward it will be for her and for you.

[Anonymous]

At 6 I'm surprised anyone would react negatively. Especially somewhere like a museum.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't say anything. They have no right to private medical information about your kid. The only time this might make sense is if there is some kind of potential for law enforcement to be involved if there is a giant meltdown. But generally for a 6 year old, a meltdown is not going to be mistaken for dangerous aggression.

[Anonymous]

I would definitely use a two-pronged approach: before a public outing, remind dd that she doesn’t need to correct everyone’s minor mistakes that don’t cause any harm because people don’t like that, and also talk to dd privately after it happens about how it made the other person feel and how I could tell they were upset. In the moment, if someone was offended, I would probably say to my dd, “Larla, you’re doing it again,” and then I would say to the offended person, “I’m sorry. We’re working on not interrupting or butting into others’ conversations, but she hasn’t mastered that yet.” Then I may or may not have dd apologize, depending on the seriousness of the offense.

[Anonymous]

(As a parent of an impulsive child who says similar things to adults) I think you need to work very hard with her on interactions with strangers and other people. I talk a lot about how- you can't control what other people are doing. And how my child's interactions make other people feel. Even if my child knows they're right, hurting other people's feelings isn't nice. You say "they think she is being"- no, your child IS being sassy and bossy, but she has autism and that just means she needs to work on it more.

At the farm over the weekend I saw something that's maybe what you're talking about? A 2 year old was talking about "baby pigs!" and how cute they were when a kid came over and started screaming at her that they were "piglets" and how dumb she was that she didn't know it and that she was wrong, wrong, wrong. The mom just excused her kid's behavior and said her son likes it when people are accurate and that he has autism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

1) Reinforce appropriate boundaries with your daughter. There are situations in which it is acceptable to beeline over to strangers to correct them in mid-conversation or to tell adults they are wrong, but there are also situations in which it is not OK to do this. A lot of friction will be created in her life by doing this and you will not always be there to protect her or smooth things over. Maybe in situations like at the museum coach her to tell you or another person with her what is incorrect about the comment instead of telling the person across the room. This could easily lead to offended teachers (if she is in a mainstream classroom) and at some point, offended managers or co-workers.

2) I would say something like "Apologies, she's really passionate about this" to add some levity. I don't think that there is a line that will work 100% of the time though. Your daughter is inserting herself into situations inappropriately and the older she gets the more awkward it will be for her and for you.

This is really important and possibly something to work on with an SLP. When is small talk with strangers appropriate, and when is it intrusive/crossing boundaries to talk to strangers? Most 6 year olds of course don't know how to make small talk, but they also don't talk to strangers like that. I know some parents of a kid on the spectrum who have never imposed appropriate stranger boundaries - which might have been cute and excusable at 6, but no longer cute as the child becomes a tween and has boundary-crossing interactions with complete strangers.

[Anonymous]

Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:At 6 I'm surprised anyone would react negatively. Especially somewhere like a museum.

+1

And while I admit that DS used to, and sometimes still does, correct adults when they were inaccurate or mistaken, no one has taken offense to it (my mother has been offended on other people's behalf though).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At 6 I'm surprised anyone would react negatively. Especially somewhere like a museum.

+1

And while I admit that DS used to, and sometimes still does, correct adults when they were inaccurate or mistaken, no one has taken offense to it (my mother has been offended on other people's behalf though).

Me too! My child is 7 and likes to one up people with knowledge (think “the scientific name for that is x) and adults praise her for it (oh my goodness you know so much about this!!!) It’s actually super frustrating because we are always talking with her about “think if that’s necessary, and think how that made that person feel”.

Maybe it’s more the interruption they’re bothered about. We are working on that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

It's a lesson to be taught but since generally children with ASD/ADHD are several years less mature than NT kids, they probably won't learn it as soon as you want them to.