Explaining ASD child’s rude comments to strangers

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

PP you’re quoting. My post wasn’t about strangers. It was about being able to maintain friendships, because if she’s doing this to adult strangers, she’s definitely doing it to classmates. The difference is that it’s normal, developmentally, for a young child to do this to classmates. As she gets older, it won’t be. First she needs to learn to control this impulse with adults/strangers, but later, she’ll have to control it around peers too.

[Anonymous]

A little off-topic - but I am finding that Astrid et Raphaelle on Amazon Prime/Masterpiece Theater is a wonderful show that goes to great lengths to explain how difficult it is for those living with autism to live in a neurotypical world. It's not sensationalized and it presents from many different points of view - all within the confines of a typical police procedural (with subtitles). I highly, highly recommend to anyone who has individuals living with autism in their lives. It just gets better as the season goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

1) Reinforce appropriate boundaries with your daughter. There are situations in which it is acceptable to beeline over to strangers to correct them in mid-conversation or to tell adults they are wrong, but there are also situations in which it is not OK to do this. A lot of friction will be created in her life by doing this and you will not always be there to protect her or smooth things over. Maybe in situations like at the museum coach her to tell you or another person with her what is incorrect about the comment instead of telling the person across the room. This could easily lead to offended teachers (if she is in a mainstream classroom) and at some point, offended managers or co-workers.

2) I would say something like "Apologies, she's really passionate about this" to add some levity. I don't think that there is a line that will work 100% of the time though. Your daughter is inserting herself into situations inappropriately and the older she gets the more awkward it will be for her and for you.

This is really important and possibly something to work on with an SLP. When is small talk with strangers appropriate, and when is it intrusive/crossing boundaries to talk to strangers? Most 6 year olds of course don't know how to make small talk, but they also don't talk to strangers like that. I know some parents of a kid on the spectrum who have never imposed appropriate stranger boundaries - which might have been cute and excusable at 6, but no longer cute as the child becomes a tween and has boundary-crossing interactions with complete strangers.

You need to work with your child on what is appropriate. It is not appropriate for a child to lecture an adult. They shouldn't be doing this to children either. I have a child like this who often would lecture adults who were late including his occupational therapist at school who was not providing the support she was supposed to. From a young age, my child was very much a bean counter. We spent a lot of time on this and I would intercede in any action where your child does this. I have dealt with several kids who have the issue and the parents ignore the behavior. You will see other kids and adults avoid that child. One mom sitting next to me did absolutely nothing when her 10 year old made a very insulting remark about me. You can bet our kids didn't get together after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

It's a lesson to be taught but since generally children with ASD/ADHD are several years less mature than NT kids, they probably won't learn it as soon as you want them to.

I'm not sure why you think this. They can be taught not to do it if you make it into a goal and implement it in the right way. Maybe OP is describing something that is a rare event, in which case, not a big deal. But if a kid is routinely acting in an unxpected way towards strangers in public, this needs to be addressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

It's a lesson to be taught but since generally children with ASD/ADHD are several years less mature than NT kids, they probably won't learn it as soon as you want them to.

I'm not sure why you think this. They can be taught not to do it if you make it into a goal and implement it in the right way. Maybe OP is describing something that is a rare event, in which case, not a big deal. But if a kid is routinely acting in an unxpected way towards strangers in public, this needs to be addressed.

At what age did your impulsive ASBD child master this skill, pp?

[Anonymous]

ASD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

Why aren't you stopping her from beelining over to an adult to speak to them and correct them? The issue here is not the ASD but that you are not helping her to understand that her behaviour is inappropriate. ASD is not an excuse for this, it's a reason for it and you have to help her learn appropriate ways to interact with people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Six is too young to get this, but when your dd is older, you’ll need to coach her on thinking before she speaks, because she can follow her impulse never to let other people’s mistakes go or she can have friends, but she can’t have both.

No, six is absolutely old enough to learn not to talk to strangers like this. It's not about the content of what she's saying, but that she's interrupting/disturbing strangers. We don't do our kids with autism ANY favors if we let them engage in this kind of boundary crossing in public with strangers. As they get older the consequences get higher and possibly dangerous. Things that are cute when a toddler does it (like unsolicited hug) become assaults when a big tween does it.

It's a lesson to be taught but since generally children with ASD/ADHD are several years less mature than NT kids, they probably won't learn it as soon as you want them to.

I'm not sure why you think this. They can be taught not to do it if you make it into a goal and implement it in the right way. Maybe OP is describing something that is a rare event, in which case, not a big deal. But if a kid is routinely acting in an unxpected way towards strangers in public, this needs to be addressed.

At what age did your impulsive ASBD child master this skill, pp?

I don't let him talk to strangers like that, so he's never had this issue. But he has other issues with behavior in public and we work constantly on how to interact and behave in public with the goal of him being independent by 13 or so. I'm not sure we're going to get there but it is a big priority. Independence and ability to function in public ought to be a goal everyone has and works towards. Using autism as an excuse to others isn't right - it fails to teach your kid AND violates their privacy.

[Anonymous]

so what if strangers think your kid is being rude? Maybe it's embarrassing for you but it doesn't matter in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

Why aren't you stopping her from beelining over to an adult to speak to them and correct them? The issue here is not the ASD but that you are not helping her to understand that her behaviour is inappropriate. ASD is not an excuse for this, it's a reason for it and you have to help her learn appropriate ways to interact with people.

Exactly. I get that this is not easy, but you have to try. You stop her every time and say "we don't interrupt strangers Larla." You model correct small talk and you call her attention to it. You praise her when she does it appropriately. My DS actually asks me questions like "is it my turn to talk now? What should we talk about?" lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little off-topic - but I am finding that Astrid et Raphaelle on Amazon Prime/Masterpiece Theater is a wonderful show that goes to great lengths to explain how difficult it is for those living with autism to live in a neurotypical world. It's not sensationalized and it presents from many different points of view - all within the confines of a typical police procedural (with subtitles). I highly, highly recommend to anyone who has individuals living with autism in their lives. It just gets better as the season goes on.

NP. Thank you for this recommendation!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your daughter know that she is breaking rules by being rude and interrupting strangers? Correct her behavior too.

This. You need to make more explicit rules for her, and have consequences if she breaks the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD is 6 and often says rude things to adults who she perceived as breaking the rules. Or sometimes she corrects adults (strangers) who she thinks are getting facts wrong. For example, if we are at a museum and she overhears a stranger saying something about an exhibit that she knows is incorrect, she will beeline over to them and correct them. Often people look puzzled but let it go. Sometimes, though, people get super offended and angry. They don’t know she has autism. They think she is being sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking. I don’t like telling an angry stranger, “She has autism.” I think I’m concerned that their reaction will color how she sees her autism, and their reaction is unlikely to be good at that moment! They are already angry! But I want to be able to say SOMETHING to let them know she is not disrespecting them; this is just how her brain works. Do you have a phrase you use in situations like that?

Honestly you should also change your mindset about this - she really IS being “ sassy/bossy/smart-alecky/back-talking” and they have a right to be upset by an annoying kid interrupting their conversation. She just also has a condition that means that you (not they) need to deal with her differently. They shouldn’t do that, you should. With more rules, consequences, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything. They have no right to private medical information about your kid. The only time this might make sense is if there is some kind of potential for law enforcement to be involved if there is a giant meltdown. But generally for a 6 year old, a meltdown is not going to be mistaken for dangerous aggression.

I have a kid with Autism and to me it is isn't a private medical condition. It is just a fact and could help others understand. Would you hide that fact that your kid is blind if they bump into you? No. Autism is just one part of your dd's and isn't the whole part of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't say anything. They have no right to private medical information about your kid. The only time this might make sense is if there is some kind of potential for law enforcement to be involved if there is a giant meltdown. But generally for a 6 year old, a meltdown is not going to be mistaken for dangerous aggression.

I have a kid with Autism and to me it is isn't a private medical condition. It is just a fact and could help others understand. Would you hide that fact that your kid is blind if they bump into you? No. Autism is just one part of your dd's and isn't the whole part of her.

DP. Disagree. A diagnosis of autism (or ADHD or hearing loss or diabetes or most any diagnosis) is a medical diagnosis and disclosure belongs to the child, not the adult. There's no reason to disclose the information in any of the situations that this thread is discussing.