What's the problem with dating a separated person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

Then don’t get married. If it was only a piece of paper, there would no such thing. Your dismissing it doesn’t make it just a apiece of paper. Sorry for you.

If both people say it’s over, it is.

Who cares what the state says?

Any moderately intelligent woman who doesn’t want to waste her time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those dating while separated were almost always cheating during the marriage, so it's no big deal to them to continue doing that.

+1. If they’ll cheat while they are married, they’ll cheat…whenever. And a person who thinks morality no longer applies just because they feel like it will be immoral with anything! Imagine thinking dating a guy (or woman) who is still married to his wife, but he has decided “he’s over it” so he’s clear to hop in bed with you is a catch. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Those dating while separated were almost always cheating during the marriage, so it's no big deal to them to continue doing that.

False

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does his ex understand that he’s dating or do they think there’s a chance that they can get back together? Also, with kids, just don’t. It’s a bad example to date before being divorced, even if the marriage is really over.

They’re separated!

And yes, if you divorce, never ever date again.

For the children

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s still married, for one. And unless he’s a robot he’s still very much grieving that marriage and he’s still thinking about what went wrong and he’s still hurt and mad at her. Alllll that will come up in your relationship in surprising ways.

That is complete rubbish.

I was in a dead marriage for a number of years, yet provided for a stable home for by children until they went off to college, and had money set aside for them to graduate debt-free.]

Once I separated from my ex- years after marriage counseling collapsed, there was no grieving whatsoever. None. I had done what so many here on DCUM espouse - provided stability for my children. Once they were young adults living elsewhere, I had a tremendous sense of relief and peace.

I agree. I could have written this, pretty much. My ex started dating before the divorce was final and, when I learned this, I griieved for about 5 minutes. Then I got on some dating apps myself and had some real realtionships for the next six months while the divorce process was underway. When the divorce became final I did grieve for a day, and then I continued to date.

I always disclosed my status. A few people cared but the vast majority (80 to 90 percent) did not.

I recently updated my profile to say I am divorced and several of the 10 to 20 percent who cared have reached out to me to see if I want to talk or meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s still married, for one. And unless he’s a robot he’s still very much grieving that marriage and he’s still thinking about what went wrong and he’s still hurt and mad at her. Alllll that will come up in your relationship in surprising ways.

That is complete rubbish.

I was in a dead marriage for a number of years, yet provided for a stable home for by children until they went off to college, and had money set aside for them to graduate debt-free.]

Once I separated from my ex- years after marriage counseling collapsed, there was no grieving whatsoever. None. I had done what so many here on DCUM espouse - provided stability for my children. Once they were young adults living elsewhere, I had a tremendous sense of relief and peace.

I agree. I could have written this, pretty much. My ex started dating before the divorce was final and, when I learned this, I griieved for about 5 minutes. Then I got on some dating apps myself and had some real realtionships for the next six months while the divorce process was underway. When the divorce became final I did grieve for a day, and then I continued to date.

I always disclosed my status. A few people cared but the vast majority (80 to 90 percent) did not.

I recently updated my profile to say I am divorced and several of the 10 to 20 percent who cared have reached out to me to see if I want to talk or meet.

If I were middle aged, I would date someone who was separated. I don’t think i would get serious about them until the divorce was finalized, but I would not rule them out. If I were never married and youngish, I’m not sure I would because I would not want all that baggage anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

Dead or not. Married is married.

This is not the 1950s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating while separated but I would not want to date someone who was separated but not divorced. I also would not date someone who had just been divorced, even if they'd been separated for a couple years, even if they told me "the marriage had been dead for years already."

It's one thing for a person in the midst of a divorce to be like "I want to see what else is out there." And for a single person who is just dating to date and not looking for anything serious, dating someone separated or divorced would be fine. Good, in some ways, if you are looking for no strings attached.

But when I was dating, I was looking for a serious relationship. A person who is still legally and financially tied to a spouse was not what I had in mind. Nor was someone who had just signed the paperwork to end that union. Nor was someone who had just exited a relationship where they lived with someone but claimed the relationship had been "dead for years." After a couple years and some therapy/independnece for that person? Sure, I have nothing against divorced people and everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. During or immediately following the divorce? No, take care of your business, take care of yourself, get back to me when you are in a truly independent and forward-looking headspace and not just trying to escape something that didn't work out or prove something to yourself or your ex or reclaim your sexuality or whatever. I don't want to be the person who helps you deal with those issues. I want a true partner.

This

[Anonymous]

I would be more concerned about drama and time wasted, not worth it if I want to find a long term relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

Dead or not. Married is married.

I love people who judge others using that black and white mentality until one day they have a big issue and realize problems can be many shades of grey and their isn’t always one right answer.

[Anonymous]

I'll never do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

Dead or not. Married is married.

I love people who judge others using that black and white mentality until one day they have a big issue and realize problems can be many shades of grey and their isn’t always one right answer.

Np. If you don't want people to give their opinions than dont ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

Dead or not. Married is married.

I love people who judge others using that black and white mentality until one day they have a big issue and realize problems can be many shades of grey and their isn’t always one right answer.

Why do you think that stating an objective fact is “judging”? A married person is married, the sky is blue, these are neutral statements of fact. Now the morality of whether its okay to date married people is a matter of judgment, but somehow of course you judging that it’s immoral to find dating married people immoral is perfectly fine!

This is the thought process behind so many of this thread. It’s okay for me to do [a thing] when I feel like it because I feel like it and that’s all that matters. No wonder they’re all divorced.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends so much on so many things, not least of all if there are children involved.

If you’re exclusively looking for a FWB to meet up for drinks and some sex on an occasional Friday night, then I think it’s a little more blurry. If you’re looking for a relationship, I think it’s much better to find someone whose emotional house is clean, and I think people can really benefit from some time alone working on themselves after a divorce. That looks a little different, person to person, but they should be reflecting upon their past relationship before getting into a new one while the ink on their separation is still wet.

[Anonymous]

Who is the “everyone?”, and why do you value their opinion? This is something my dad taught me, lots of people will say lots of things. Some of it will be good advice. Think about who is telling you something and why, do they have experience with the issue? Do they have something to gain or loose?

Me, I personally wouldn’t date a person who is separated. They are still legally married, meaning they can’t marry me. When his friends and family find out, at least one of them will wonder if you broke up the marriage, and if he dies, everybody will say it quite openly. His kids will wonder just when you started dating.. look at every blended family post on the board, it’s just a matter of when someone asks “did you date while he was still married?” All these people saying different strokes for different folks are the same people who say “did you start dating when he was married?” I’ve seen this happen.
If you get pregnant and you and he share custody, you’ll also be sharing it with his wife.. but only on paper if they are separated which shouldn’t bother you, just like his marriage is “only on paper”.
All kidding aside, if that doesn’t give you pause, not much else will. You also won’t be entitled to life insurance, you won’t get to support him if he goes under anesthetic, you can never be a legal family, which is one reason lgbtq people fought so hard for the right to marry, not live together, not date, not screw, marry.
Separation isn’t like a disability or an unforeseen circumstance, he’s separated because he didn’t get divorced sooner. That’s on him and a woman you probably don’t even know. Why would you want someone who wants to visit his problems upon you? If he was a gentleman, he wouldn’t be hanging around someone he likes until he is 100 percent single.
You can’t make him get divorced faster, or at all. It’s not like a home project where you can do it for him or find a contractor.

If he wanted a relationship that could just end, he could have not gotten married. He did, and divorce is one benefit of marriage, there are courts to make sure it ends equitably, which doesn’t mean everybody will be happy.
From a day-to-day perspective, you’ll be doing the pick me dance forever. Do you want that? He can always use his separated status as to why he can’t marry you, and he’d be right.