What's the problem with dating a separated person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's married.

So? Both spouses have agreed to split up and date other people.

They are still married.

[Anonymous]

I would be cautious and take it slow.

Many men jump into a relationship right away because they don’t function well on their own. They want someone to cook, clean, easy access to sex, etc.

Also, in my experience dating a separated man - he was “ready” in the sense that he was over his previous relationship. But he still needed to get playing the field and seeing what is out there out of his system, so while he did verbally commit, he was still seeking out other women on dating apps.

I think often people commit too soon after the end of a relationship because they don’t want to be alone, and eventually they start to wonder what else was out there that they missed out on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating while separated but I would not want to date someone who was separated but not divorced. I also would not date someone who had just been divorced, even if they'd been separated for a couple years, even if they told me "the marriage had been dead for years already."

It's one thing for a person in the midst of a divorce to be like "I want to see what else is out there." And for a single person who is just dating to date and not looking for anything serious, dating someone separated or divorced would be fine. Good, in some ways, if you are looking for no strings attached.

But when I was dating, I was looking for a serious relationship. A person who is still legally and financially tied to a spouse was not what I had in mind. Nor was someone who had just signed the paperwork to end that union. Nor was someone who had just exited a relationship where they lived with someone but claimed the relationship had been "dead for years." After a couple years and some therapy/independnece for that person? Sure, I have nothing against divorced people and everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. During or immediately following the divorce? No, take care of your business, take care of yourself, get back to me when you are in a truly independent and forward-looking headspace and not just trying to escape something that didn't work out or prove something to yourself or your ex or reclaim your sexuality or whatever. I don't want to be the person who helps you deal with those issues. I want a true partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating while separated but I would not want to date someone who was separated but not divorced. I also would not date someone who had just been divorced, even if they'd been separated for a couple years, even if they told me "the marriage had been dead for years already."

It's one thing for a person in the midst of a divorce to be like "I want to see what else is out there." And for a single person who is just dating to date and not looking for anything serious, dating someone separated or divorced would be fine. Good, in some ways, if you are looking for no strings attached.

But when I was dating, I was looking for a serious relationship. A person who is still legally and financially tied to a spouse was not what I had in mind. Nor was someone who had just signed the paperwork to end that union. Nor was someone who had just exited a relationship where they lived with someone but claimed the relationship had been "dead for years." After a couple years and some therapy/independnece for that person? Sure, I have nothing against divorced people and everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. During or immediately following the divorce? No, take care of your business, take care of yourself, get back to me when you are in a truly independent and forward-looking headspace and not just trying to escape something that didn't work out or prove something to yourself or your ex or reclaim your sexuality or whatever. I don't want to be the person who helps you deal with those issues. I want a true partner.

You do you. I was literally in a bad marriage the entire time. There was no relationship and it was absolutely stupid to stay as long as I stayed and then it was absolutely stupid for me not to date while I was separated because all it did is just waste more time. Some people really are truly done for years before they get divorced and that’s actually pretty common.

And unlike you I will never ever remarry nor do I need a serious relationships and I have now been divorced for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be cautious and take it slow.

Many men jump into a relationship right away because they don’t function well on their own. They want someone to cook, clean, easy access to sex, etc.

Also, in my experience dating a separated man - he was “ready” in the sense that he was over his previous relationship. But he still needed to get playing the field and seeing what is out there out of his system, so while he did verbally commit, he was still seeking out other women on dating apps.

I think often people commit too soon after the end of a relationship because they don’t want to be alone, and eventually they start to wonder what else was out there that they missed out on.

This. Especially if the marriage was long, especially if they married very young.

There are layers to this. Even with an amicable divorce where both parties had kind of mentally exited the relationship years before the actual divorce happens, it just takes some time for people to figure out who they are outside the marriage. Even if they think they know, they don't. Getting into a serious relationship with someone who just split up with someone they'd been with for years, shared a home with, committed their life to, is like hiring someone who was working in a different industry for years and has just decided they want to do something new. Sure, you might give them a shot, but not in a high level role with a lot of responsibility. You're going to make them work their way up and prove this isn't a midlife crisis or a whim. You aren't going to offer them a signing bonus and a 5 year contract and a corner office, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am divorced. I think it is fine. My divorce took two years. In retrospect it was completely stupid not to date. The marriage had been dead for years already.

I don't think there is anything wrong with dating while separated but I would not want to date someone who was separated but not divorced. I also would not date someone who had just been divorced, even if they'd been separated for a couple years, even if they told me "the marriage had been dead for years already."

It's one thing for a person in the midst of a divorce to be like "I want to see what else is out there." And for a single person who is just dating to date and not looking for anything serious, dating someone separated or divorced would be fine. Good, in some ways, if you are looking for no strings attached.

But when I was dating, I was looking for a serious relationship. A person who is still legally and financially tied to a spouse was not what I had in mind. Nor was someone who had just signed the paperwork to end that union. Nor was someone who had just exited a relationship where they lived with someone but claimed the relationship had been "dead for years." After a couple years and some therapy/independnece for that person? Sure, I have nothing against divorced people and everyone deserves a second chance at happiness. During or immediately following the divorce? No, take care of your business, take care of yourself, get back to me when you are in a truly independent and forward-looking headspace and not just trying to escape something that didn't work out or prove something to yourself or your ex or reclaim your sexuality or whatever. I don't want to be the person who helps you deal with those issues. I want a true partner.

You do you. I was literally in a bad marriage the entire time. There was no relationship and it was absolutely stupid to stay as long as I stayed and then it was absolutely stupid for me not to date while I was separated because all it did is just waste more time. Some people really are truly done for years before they get divorced and that’s actually pretty common.

And unlike you I will never ever remarry nor do I need a serious relationships and I have now been divorced for years.

Right, which is why I would advise someone who is looking for a serious relationship to avoid dating someone who was separated or recently divorced! People who spend years of their life in bad marriages are not great candidates for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's married.

So? Both spouses have agreed to split up and date other people.

+2

My now husband and I met when we were both going through our respective divorces. I think that’s the only way it can work. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's married.

So? Both spouses have agreed to split up and date other people.

+2

My now husband and I met when we were both going through our respective divorces. I think that’s the only way it can work. No regrets.

That’s terrible advice. I hope you don’t tell your children that’s the way.

[Anonymous]

OP, does he have children?
Do you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he have children?
Do you?

OP: yes, we both do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he have children?
Do you?

OP: yes, we both do.

You need a hard stop on that relationship.

[Anonymous]

My wonderful husband and I met while we're both separating. However we met completely outside the dating realm in an online support group.

We were very careful to ask the hard questions about the wisdom of our decision to meet and etc. We formed a very deep friendship in the midst of the romance forming.

In our case it really was a case of destiny. We have real partners for the first time in our lives. I'm 53 he's 51. We took a chance and it's the best decision we ever made. And my daughter is growing up with a wonderful stepdad.

But in general: what we did would be ill advised!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, does he have children?
Do you?

OP: yes, we both do.

You need a hard stop on that relationship.

Op: explain, please? We both only date when we don’t have the kids; they are not involved at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

Ha. That's what they all say.

How do you know that? More likely than not, one of them is dragging their feet to slow things down. I've seen that over and over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wonderful husband and I met while we're both separating. However we met completely outside the dating realm in an online support group.

We were very careful to ask the hard questions about the wisdom of our decision to meet and etc. We formed a very deep friendship in the midst of the romance forming.

In our case it really was a case of destiny. We have real partners for the first time in our lives. I'm 53 he's 51. We took a chance and it's the best decision we ever made. And my daughter is growing up with a wonderful stepdad.

But in general: what we did would be ill advised!

That’s really nice! How old was your daughter when you got married? Does he have kids?