What's the problem with dating a separated person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

Then don’t get married. If it was only a piece of paper, there would no such thing. Your dismissing it doesn’t make it just a apiece of paper. Sorry for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

+1

It’s incredible how simple and stubborn some people are.

Like yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

Coming from an immoral degenerate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

Coming from an immoral degenerate.

Opinion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The issue is they’re married.

Whoever keeps posting like this has the moral sophistication of a kindergartener. OP surely understands that he's married. If she considered that a reason not to date him, surely she wouldn't need to have solicited thoughts on this board. Many people understand that morality isn't governed by legal formalisms such as whether you are still officially married.

Uh, yes, officially marriage and dating is in fact a morality issue. Sorry your moral point south. Can’t help you with that.

No moral issue. Marriage is only a piece of paper.

Then don’t get married. If it was only a piece of paper, there would no such thing. Your dismissing it doesn’t make it just a apiece of paper. Sorry for you.

If both people say it’s over, it is.

Who cares what the state says?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

I was over it years before I divorced-but in those years, I was married still. I was married until I got the paper saying I wasn't (in my state you do not have to appear in front of a judge). I didn't attempt to date when I was married. Actually I am choosing not to at all but would not have when married.

Exdh chose to start at least one relationship while not divorced. It already crashed and burned LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

I was over it years before I divorced-but in those years, I was married still. I was married until I got the paper saying I wasn't (in my state you do not have to appear in front of a judge). I didn't attempt to date when I was married. Actually I am choosing not to at all but would not have when married.

Exdh chose to start at least one relationship while not divorced. It already crashed and burned LOL

I didn’t attempt to do when I was separated and in retrospect it was entire waste of two years and I should’ve dated

[Anonymous]

It is personal choice. Some will date separated people just like some will date married people in an open marriage. For some people being married or not isn't important as long as there isn't deception or dishonesty and it works for them.

Personally for me, I don't date anyone who is married. The details of their marriage are up to them but I am not interested if they legally have a wife (or husband!).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

Yeah, if they are separated, it’s been done for awhile and are just waiting for the paperwork to catch up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

There is a huge difference between being “over” your marriage while you are still in it (as in: no longer in love with your partner, want to leave, not committed to making it work) and bring over your marriage and divorce. These are different things.

Lots of people feel totally over their marriage and discover that the process of divorce and division of assets pulls up a ton of strong emotions. I’m not talking about love for your STBX. I’m talking about buried resentment over compromises you made years ago. Regret over life choices. Worry over financial future. Complex feelings about aging and sexuality. A lot of this isn’t even about the STBX or the relationship, it’s about yourself. Marriage is bigger than just the relationship between two people. It involves extended families, money, it impacts careers and decisions about where you live, friendships. A marriage is a life. You can be over your ex and still need to process the end of YOUR life with that ex.

Divorced/divorcing people who were married for more than a couple years and deny this truth are dangerous to me. People who act like dissolving a marriage is no big deal and they can just move on without much introspection or healing are kicking a can down the road.

[Anonymous]

Too much stress and they likely haven't had time to figure out their crap. They may well be ready to date and pursue LTRs, but all they crap they brought into and out of the old relationship will come straight to you if they haven't done therapy (or at least deep introspection) and learned to be happy alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Agreed. If they could wave a wand and be divorced they would be; they are only still married because of laws and courts that are outside their control. There’s probably more risk of reffing back together with ex, but that risk exists for people who were in long-term relationships that aren’t marriages. Good luck, OP, get it gurrll.

They are still married because they decided to marry and then did not initiate divorce proceedings sooner. A relationship where you wave a magic wand and it's over exists, it's just one where you aren't married and don't own property together. All divorces have baggage, even the amical "good" ones, it takes time to wind them up, getting serious with someone before you've even signed the paperwork is a red flag.

I don't think the main risk "he might reunite with his [soon to be] ex." It's that he is not actually single and still has to jump through a bunch of hoops before he is.

I have met people who still haven't worked through the emotional impact of their marriage/divorce 2-3 years later. If there are kids, longer.

DP. Most divorced people I know were over their marriage at least 3 years before the initiated a divorce. I especially have not met one woman who was not already emotionally done at the time of separation. I read it takes women an average of 5 years to initiate a divorce after they start thinking it and men, 2. In the majority of cases people have been over it a long time before a divorce. The actual separation to divorce period is just a waiting period to untangle the legal and financial partnership. Do not know anyone who are not over it already when they separate…even those with kids. They have usually waited forever to make it work before starting the process. (I am divorced.)

There is a huge difference between being “over” your marriage while you are still in it (as in: no longer in love with your partner, want to leave, not committed to making it work) and bring over your marriage and divorce. These are different things.

Lots of people feel totally over their marriage and discover that the process of divorce and division of assets pulls up a ton of strong emotions. I’m not talking about love for your STBX. I’m talking about buried resentment over compromises you made years ago. Regret over life choices. Worry over financial future. Complex feelings about aging and sexuality. A lot of this isn’t even about the STBX or the relationship, it’s about yourself. Marriage is bigger than just the relationship between two people. It involves extended families, money, it impacts careers and decisions about where you live, friendships. A marriage is a life. You can be over your ex and still need to process the end of YOUR life with that ex.

Divorced/divorcing people who were married for more than a couple years and deny this truth are dangerous to me. People who act like dissolving a marriage is no big deal and they can just move on without much introspection or healing are kicking a can down the road.

Strongly disagree. You assume all marriages are the same. They are not.

[Anonymous]

Especially for women who want to have more kids, it absolutely does not make sense to wait. As soon as I decided to get divorced, I started meeting other men. Best decision that I made. Otherwise could not have met DH.

[Anonymous]

I was with my partner for 20yrs. We have 2 kids. We were never married so there is no need to divorce. On paper, I’m single. But the amount of baggage I bring with me makes me want to run. I wouldn’t date me.

I think it’s more important to date people who are emotionally ready to move on. I think it also depends on what you want out of a relationship.

If you’re looking to get remarried, then you need to find someone who is free to do so. If you’re looking for someone to hang out with a few times a week, then as long as they are out of the house, I think it’s fine. An open marriage maybe open, but they probably don’t bring people home.