If your kid walked out of visitation, how would a judge see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the parent with the kid is in charge of the kid, especially when the child is 14.

What does he think would happen if he asked his father about going for a run, or told his father casually that he was thinking of doing a run that afternoon? Would his dad say "no?" Why?

It is starting to sound like this is more about wanting to make a statement then about taking some time away to keep things chill. If that's the case, and if a parent has custody for a given timeframe, then that parent has primary decision-making over how time is spent (obviously, if it's something immediately unsafe, different issues kick in -- like, I don't know, dad playing Russian roulette with a gun). You need to be clear about that. He doesn't have to fake enjoying it, but he is expected to be at least minimally polite and defer to the adult in charge at that age.

I think if he told his Dad he wanted to go for a run, Dad would come (which he doesn’t want) or tell him no, or document it as my failure to provide him with his allotted parenting time.

And yes, he wants to make a point.

Dad has every right to say no.

What kind of father forbids his son from engaging in healthy exercise? Oh right, a narcissistic control freak.

It sounds like dad gets a few hours. He can exercise on moms time. None of this makes sense as they go to aunts house who supervises and will be a witness to the visits. Mom is the control freak blocking dads relationship.

I'm confused how me taking my kids to the location their Dad chooses is me being a control freak and blocking their relationship. If Dad wants his kids to see their cousins, and so chooses that as the location for visitation, wouldn't the control freak thing be if I said "no"?

Yoru priority is not your son seeing family but encouraging him to leave the visit and how you can legally do it.

My priority is helping my son set the boundaries he needs to feel safe. Taking a break wasn't my idea. I certainly didn't suggest it. But I also think it's a reasonable way for him to express his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People here are nuts. OP, you need to talk to your lawyer. I don’t know how these things play out in court, but it seems crazy to me that your kid’s father could come to your house and be verbally abusive and YOU’RE worried about pissing him off. Your kid has a right not to be verbally abused or be placed in a situation where he’s watching that happen to his mom with no recourse. But none of what anyone says here matters. If you think this could jeopardize your custody why ask here? Ask your lawyer.

But OP better get her story straight and stick to it. Many posters here have seen through the changing versions of her story and not-so-subtle ways she is thinking of curtailing father's visitation. (Like asking if it's OK for the son to leave the house for a "run" - maybe for hours - just to get out of spending time with his father.) No judge is going to buy that.

This is the same MRA rights troll that posts in literally every single thread.

Dude, we see you. Just go away. OP is not changing her story or trying to curtail the father's visitation.

OP, just ignore everything this poster says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the parent with the kid is in charge of the kid, especially when the child is 14.

What does he think would happen if he asked his father about going for a run, or told his father casually that he was thinking of doing a run that afternoon? Would his dad say "no?" Why?

It is starting to sound like this is more about wanting to make a statement then about taking some time away to keep things chill. If that's the case, and if a parent has custody for a given timeframe, then that parent has primary decision-making over how time is spent (obviously, if it's something immediately unsafe, different issues kick in -- like, I don't know, dad playing Russian roulette with a gun). You need to be clear about that. He doesn't have to fake enjoying it, but he is expected to be at least minimally polite and defer to the adult in charge at that age.

I think if he told his Dad he wanted to go for a run, Dad would come (which he doesn’t want) or tell him no, or document it as my failure to provide him with his allotted parenting time.

And yes, he wants to make a point.

Dad has every right to say no.

What kind of father forbids his son from engaging in healthy exercise? Oh right, a narcissistic control freak.

It sounds like dad gets a few hours. He can exercise on moms time. None of this makes sense as they go to aunts house who supervises and will be a witness to the visits. Mom is the control freak blocking dads relationship.

I'm confused how me taking my kids to the location their Dad chooses is me being a control freak and blocking their relationship. If Dad wants his kids to see their cousins, and so chooses that as the location for visitation, wouldn't the control freak thing be if I said "no"?

Yoru priority is not your son seeing family but encouraging him to leave the visit and how you can legally do it.

My priority is helping my son set the boundaries he needs to feel safe. Taking a break wasn't my idea. I certainly didn't suggest it. But I also think it's a reasonable way for him to express his feelings.

Then you get him in therapy, and be a parent. Your approach will hurt him. That’s not parenting. How is he not safe seeing his cousins and aunt!

[Anonymous]

I separated when my kids were 11 and 9. Dad lives a few blocks away. We don't treat the kids like a time card. In the beginning my ex was very worried about custodial time with the kids.
Despite the tightly worded separation agreement I voluntarily let the kids spend half of their holidays with dad and his natal family sometimes. He also has some work commitments so needs me to stand in sometimes. The kids have free choice to either stay after dinner or walk a few blocks over to spend time at the other parent's home. Dad does not give them grief if there is a huge project due or a big test the next day where they feel the need to be at the home most accommodating for them academically. For 2 summers now, at my behest, each kid has spent the entire summer at their paternal grandparents home working their first summer job because it is so hard for a teen to get a job in NYC.
Outcome is that Ex is not uptight about custodial time. Great for the kids because if Ex acts like a jerk (which he did while married) the kids are free to walk out. So he has to treat them decently.
Give the kids some agency in the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I separated when my kids were 11 and 9. Dad lives a few blocks away. We don't treat the kids like a time card. In the beginning my ex was very worried about custodial time with the kids.
Despite the tightly worded separation agreement I voluntarily let the kids spend half of their holidays with dad and his natal family sometimes. He also has some work commitments so needs me to stand in sometimes. The kids have free choice to either stay after dinner or walk a few blocks over to spend time at the other parent's home. Dad does not give them grief if there is a huge project due or a big test the next day where they feel the need to be at the home most accommodating for them academically. For 2 summers now, at my behest, each kid has spent the entire summer at their paternal grandparents home working their first summer job because it is so hard for a teen to get a job in NYC.
Outcome is that Ex is not uptight about custodial time. Great for the kids because if Ex acts like a jerk (which he did while married) the kids are free to walk out. So he has to treat them decently.
Give the kids some agency in the matter.

The difference is your ex has plenty of time with the kids and flexibility. OP is clear its very limited visitation. The child acts up with OP and she is encouraging the behavior. Kids that age don't just get to up and leave. And, if they do, OP should have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the parent with the kid is in charge of the kid, especially when the child is 14.

What does he think would happen if he asked his father about going for a run, or told his father casually that he was thinking of doing a run that afternoon? Would his dad say "no?" Why?

It is starting to sound like this is more about wanting to make a statement then about taking some time away to keep things chill. If that's the case, and if a parent has custody for a given timeframe, then that parent has primary decision-making over how time is spent (obviously, if it's something immediately unsafe, different issues kick in -- like, I don't know, dad playing Russian roulette with a gun). You need to be clear about that. He doesn't have to fake enjoying it, but he is expected to be at least minimally polite and defer to the adult in charge at that age.

I think if he told his Dad he wanted to go for a run, Dad would come (which he doesn’t want) or tell him no, or document it as my failure to provide him with his allotted parenting time.

And yes, he wants to make a point.

Dad has every right to say no.

What kind of father forbids his son from engaging in healthy exercise? Oh right, a narcissistic control freak.

It sounds like dad gets a few hours. He can exercise on moms time. None of this makes sense as they go to aunts house who supervises and will be a witness to the visits. Mom is the control freak blocking dads relationship.

I'm confused how me taking my kids to the location their Dad chooses is me being a control freak and blocking their relationship. If Dad wants his kids to see their cousins, and so chooses that as the location for visitation, wouldn't the control freak thing be if I said "no"?

Again with the story changing. Get it straight because you are not coming off as logical - at all. Judge will see right through this.

I'm not changing my story. Someone (you?) asked why he doesn't run home or ride his bike home from visitation. I clarified that his Dad was planning (we are at this point talking about a visit that's past, hence the past tense) to take the kids to his sister's which isn't running/biking distance. You said that somehow that makes me a control freak. Can you explain how letting their father take them where he wants to take them is controlling, plus how it's changing my story to answer a question?

Dad gets limited time and wants to visit his sister. Why does he need to bike or run on Dad's time? He can do it on your time. That's good his sister is at the visit so she can testify that the visit went well. Your kid sounds like a spoiled brat.

Kid sounds like he can recognize an a-hole when he sees one.

Can’t force a kid to hang out with an a-hole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I separated when my kids were 11 and 9. Dad lives a few blocks away. We don't treat the kids like a time card. In the beginning my ex was very worried about custodial time with the kids.
Despite the tightly worded separation agreement I voluntarily let the kids spend half of their holidays with dad and his natal family sometimes. He also has some work commitments so needs me to stand in sometimes. The kids have free choice to either stay after dinner or walk a few blocks over to spend time at the other parent's home. Dad does not give them grief if there is a huge project due or a big test the next day where they feel the need to be at the home most accommodating for them academically. For 2 summers now, at my behest, each kid has spent the entire summer at their paternal grandparents home working their first summer job because it is so hard for a teen to get a job in NYC.
Outcome is that Ex is not uptight about custodial time. Great for the kids because if Ex acts like a jerk (which he did while married) the kids are free to walk out. So he has to treat them decently.
Give the kids some agency in the matter.

The difference is your ex has plenty of time with the kids and flexibility. OP is clear its very limited visitation. The child acts up with OP and she is encouraging the behavior. Kids that age don't just get to up and leave. And, if they do, OP should have consequences.

Sure they can leave. They don’t have to spend time with a-holes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I separated when my kids were 11 and 9. Dad lives a few blocks away. We don't treat the kids like a time card. In the beginning my ex was very worried about custodial time with the kids.
Despite the tightly worded separation agreement I voluntarily let the kids spend half of their holidays with dad and his natal family sometimes. He also has some work commitments so needs me to stand in sometimes. The kids have free choice to either stay after dinner or walk a few blocks over to spend time at the other parent's home. Dad does not give them grief if there is a huge project due or a big test the next day where they feel the need to be at the home most accommodating for them academically. For 2 summers now, at my behest, each kid has spent the entire summer at their paternal grandparents home working their first summer job because it is so hard for a teen to get a job in NYC.
Outcome is that Ex is not uptight about custodial time. Great for the kids because if Ex acts like a jerk (which he did while married) the kids are free to walk out. So he has to treat them decently.
Give the kids some agency in the matter.

The difference is your ex has plenty of time with the kids and flexibility. OP is clear its very limited visitation. The child acts up with OP and she is encouraging the behavior. Kids that age don't just get to up and leave. And, if they do, OP should have consequences.

He doesn’t act up with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I separated when my kids were 11 and 9. Dad lives a few blocks away. We don't treat the kids like a time card. In the beginning my ex was very worried about custodial time with the kids.
Despite the tightly worded separation agreement I voluntarily let the kids spend half of their holidays with dad and his natal family sometimes. He also has some work commitments so needs me to stand in sometimes. The kids have free choice to either stay after dinner or walk a few blocks over to spend time at the other parent's home. Dad does not give them grief if there is a huge project due or a big test the next day where they feel the need to be at the home most accommodating for them academically. For 2 summers now, at my behest, each kid has spent the entire summer at their paternal grandparents home working their first summer job because it is so hard for a teen to get a job in NYC.
Outcome is that Ex is not uptight about custodial time. Great for the kids because if Ex acts like a jerk (which he did while married) the kids are free to walk out. So he has to treat them decently.
Give the kids some agency in the matter.

The difference is your ex has plenty of time with the kids and flexibility. OP is clear its very limited visitation. The child acts up with OP and she is encouraging the behavior. Kids that age don't just get to up and leave. And, if they do, OP should have consequences.

He doesn’t act up with me.

Yes he does. He is with you as you have custody so it is all on you.

[Anonymous]

Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

My kid is in therapy. Choosing to take a break from someone who has traumatized you, and using healthy things like physical exercise to manage stress are coping skills.

They did talk to the judge last time. In MD, 16 is the age when the judge needs to take their wishes into account though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

My kid is in therapy. Choosing to take a break from someone who has traumatized you, and using healthy things like physical exercise to manage stress are coping skills.

They did talk to the judge last time. In MD, 16 is the age when the judge needs to take their wishes into account though.

Traumatized. How was that? Sounds like the judge thought visits were best. He can exercise on your time and not the few hours with dad, aunt and cousins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

My kid is in therapy. Choosing to take a break from someone who has traumatized you, and using healthy things like physical exercise to manage stress are coping skills.

They did talk to the judge last time. In MD, 16 is the age when the judge needs to take their wishes into account though.

Traumatized. How was that? Sounds like the judge thought visits were best. He can exercise on your time and not the few hours with dad, aunt and cousins.

It seems he is going on these runs to get away from his dad so doing it on his moms time would undermine the reason for doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

My kid is in therapy. Choosing to take a break from someone who has traumatized you, and using healthy things like physical exercise to manage stress are coping skills.

They did talk to the judge last time. In MD, 16 is the age when the judge needs to take their wishes into account though.

Traumatized. How was that? Sounds like the judge thought visits were best. He can exercise on your time and not the few hours with dad, aunt and cousins.

It seems he is going on these runs to get away from his dad so doing it on his moms time would undermine the reason for doing it.

He runs pretty seriously, but the point in leaving would be to get away from and make a statement to his dad. Otherwise he’d go before or after.

He didn’t end up leaving, he ended up separating himself but not leaving the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son should see a therapist for coping skills. Look at DBT.
Have your son talk directly to the judge. See if he can do it in private.

My kid is in therapy. Choosing to take a break from someone who has traumatized you, and using healthy things like physical exercise to manage stress are coping skills.

They did talk to the judge last time. In MD, 16 is the age when the judge needs to take their wishes into account though.

Traumatized. How was that? Sounds like the judge thought visits were best. He can exercise on your time and not the few hours with dad, aunt and cousins.

It seems he is going on these runs to get away from his dad so doing it on his moms time would undermine the reason for doing it.

He runs pretty seriously, but the point in leaving would be to get away from and make a statement to his dad. Otherwise he’d go before or after.

He didn’t end up leaving, he ended up separating himself but not leaving the house.

That seems like a good solution, he can avoid his dad and you can't get into legal trouble for it.