If your kid walked out of visitation, how would a judge see that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

Exactly. Per OP, "If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me...."

OP knows what she can do to fix this problem but isn't doing it. Why post on here for suggestions when she knows what the right answer is?

Mom needs to sit sonny down and tell him that the custody agreement is not a suggestion and not something that can be ignored. BOTH parents and the court decided this schedule was not only fair but important for kid to maintain relationships with mom and dad.

Kid is old enough to understand this. If it becomes "dad's problem to solve" then he can and should go to court to rectify it. A 14 year old needs his father despite the natural desire to pull away.

Who knows? In a year or two the kid may go through a phase where he can't stand being around mom. I guess when that happens OP should expect the father to give the same response, "Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's your problem to solve. I won't make him spend any time with you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

Exactly. Per OP, "If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me...."

OP knows what she can do to fix this problem but isn't doing it. Why post on here for suggestions when she knows what the right answer is?

Mom needs to sit sonny down and tell him that the custody agreement is not a suggestion and not something that can be ignored. BOTH parents and the court decided this schedule was not only fair but important for kid to maintain relationships with mom and dad.

Kid is old enough to understand this. If it becomes "dad's problem to solve" then he can and should go to court to rectify it. A 14 year old needs his father despite the natural desire to pull away.

Who knows? In a year or two the kid may go through a phase where he can't stand being around mom. I guess when that happens OP should expect the father to give the same response, "Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's your problem to solve. I won't make him spend any time with you."

Dad has a responsibility to be a person that his son enjoys spending time with. Divorce exposes the happy families lie--that parents and kids always get along, and there are no favorites, or better parents. If given a choice, kids often would choose one parent over the other.

[Anonymous]

So dad showed up unexpectedly where you are living and did some d**k thing to upset his son? Was it directed at you and your son for mad about it or was it directed at him personally? I’d have him send dad an email to document. “Dad yesterday you did this and upset me and makes it hard to have a good relationship with you.” When the hearing comes ask the court to specify that the dad can’t just drop over unannounced and pick up and drop off has to be a neutral place. You now have evidence.

I had a friend whose DH would come to her house for pickups but then started coming in, helping himself to drinks, even when she wasn’t there. She has to shut that down fast. Boundaries!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

Exactly. Per OP, "If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me...."

OP knows what she can do to fix this problem but isn't doing it. Why post on here for suggestions when she knows what the right answer is?

Mom needs to sit sonny down and tell him that the custody agreement is not a suggestion and not something that can be ignored. BOTH parents and the court decided this schedule was not only fair but important for kid to maintain relationships with mom and dad.

Kid is old enough to understand this. If it becomes "dad's problem to solve" then he can and should go to court to rectify it. A 14 year old needs his father despite the natural desire to pull away.

Who knows? In a year or two the kid may go through a phase where he can't stand being around mom. I guess when that happens OP should expect the father to give the same response, "Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's your problem to solve. I won't make him spend any time with you."

Dad has a responsibility to be a person that his son enjoys spending time with. Divorce exposes the happy families lie--that parents and kids always get along, and there are no favorites, or better parents. If given a choice, kids often would choose one parent over the other.

No, dad has a responsibility to be a parent first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don't think you will get the answer to your question here. Just a lot of crap parents projecting their need for their kids to be forced to stay with them. You should definitely ask a lawyer. Do you have one?

[Anonymous]

OP, the parent with the kid is in charge of the kid, especially when the child is 14.

What does he think would happen if he asked his father about going for a run, or told his father casually that he was thinking of doing a run that afternoon? Would his dad say "no?" Why?

It is starting to sound like this is more about wanting to make a statement then about taking some time away to keep things chill. If that's the case, and if a parent has custody for a given timeframe, then that parent has primary decision-making over how time is spent (obviously, if it's something immediately unsafe, different issues kick in -- like, I don't know, dad playing Russian roulette with a gun). You need to be clear about that. He doesn't have to fake enjoying it, but he is expected to be at least minimally polite and defer to the adult in charge at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, kid had a temper tantrum and you are supporting it. The teenage years will be very rough for you. Yes, you are trying to alienate dad. You tell teen to see his dad or there will be consequences and follow through. He is doing it to make you happy.

His Dad had a tantrum. He alienated my son himself. My question is whether I need to tell my kid to stay for the whole time period anyway.

He is almost an adult. You really can't force him to do things, nor should you insert yourself in their relationship.

The kid should be allowed to have a voice. He is not a pawn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

Exactly. Per OP, "If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me...."

OP knows what she can do to fix this problem but isn't doing it. Why post on here for suggestions when she knows what the right answer is?

Mom needs to sit sonny down and tell him that the custody agreement is not a suggestion and not something that can be ignored. BOTH parents and the court decided this schedule was not only fair but important for kid to maintain relationships with mom and dad.

Kid is old enough to understand this. If it becomes "dad's problem to solve" then he can and should go to court to rectify it. A 14 year old needs his father despite the natural desire to pull away.

Who knows? In a year or two the kid may go through a phase where he can't stand being around mom. I guess when that happens OP should expect the father to give the same response, "Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's your problem to solve. I won't make him spend any time with you."

Dad has a responsibility to be a person that his son enjoys spending time with. Divorce exposes the happy families lie--that parents and kids always get along, and there are no favorites, or better parents. If given a choice, kids often would choose one parent over the other.

And that parent may not be the better parent, objectively. Especially when they are a teen. I like a court appointed psychologist to make objective determinations about how is the healthier influence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's 17. As long as you brought him to visitation and encouraged him to try and work it out with his dad and not cheering or egging him on to walk out, then it's not on you. You can only do but so much... At that age can you truly force a child? This is on his father to reach out, encourage him to stay and work it out. You shouldn't have to do that for your ex.

He’s not 17, that was another poster. He’s 14.

If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me. Especially if he thought it could influence custody.

At 14 you need to be a parent and support dad no matter how much you hate him. If you don’t want him as dad then be honest and don’t take child support.

The beauty is, you are not entitled to have a good relationship with your kids even if you are supporting them; just ask any non-divorced families with difficult teenagers. If the kid doesn't want to do anything with their dad, it's not the mom's fault. Might not be the dad's fault either, but definitely the dad's problem to solve.

Moms behavior, actions and words clearly impact the relationship. Dad cannot solve this without both parents working together. Op is not willing. Difficult teeenagers are that way for a reason. Baring mental health issues that are genetic, look at the home life.

NP here, you’re projecting your own issues with OP’s.

Read the op posts. She has been clear.

Exactly. Per OP, "If I said “I need you to do this.” he’d listen to me...."

OP knows what she can do to fix this problem but isn't doing it. Why post on here for suggestions when she knows what the right answer is?

Mom needs to sit sonny down and tell him that the custody agreement is not a suggestion and not something that can be ignored. BOTH parents and the court decided this schedule was not only fair but important for kid to maintain relationships with mom and dad.

Kid is old enough to understand this. If it becomes "dad's problem to solve" then he can and should go to court to rectify it. A 14 year old needs his father despite the natural desire to pull away.

Who knows? In a year or two the kid may go through a phase where he can't stand being around mom. I guess when that happens OP should expect the father to give the same response, "Oh well, I can't do anything about it. It's your problem to solve. I won't make him spend any time with you."

Equally important is she needs to co-parent with Dad and not just say what happens in his house is her problem and what happens at her house is none of her business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, kid had a temper tantrum and you are supporting it. The teenage years will be very rough for you. Yes, you are trying to alienate dad. You tell teen to see his dad or there will be consequences and follow through. He is doing it to make you happy.

His Dad had a tantrum. He alienated my son himself. My question is whether I need to tell my kid to stay for the whole time period anyway.

Yes, you do. You should be encouraging him to build a healthy relationship with his father, to the extent possible. Also, you weren't there during the incident and shouldn't be so quick to demonize your ex. That doesn't help your son as much as you think it does. Ands the court will not look kindly on the perception you might be contributing to any alienation.

I was there. The incident happened when he came to my house without permission.

A healthy relationship with a parent includes boundaries. My kid frequently goes for a run or to a friend's house when he's at my house. And, I wouldn't want his Dad to get involved with what happens at my house.

This is why your kid behaves like he does. You both need to parent together. Both of you need to be equally involved in everything.

My kid behaves fine. A teenager handling his anger by going for a run as opposed to screaming at people, or doing something self destructive, is doing a good job.

The court has made it clear they don’t think we should be equally involved with everything. I have sole physical custody for a reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the parent with the kid is in charge of the kid, especially when the child is 14.

What does he think would happen if he asked his father about going for a run, or told his father casually that he was thinking of doing a run that afternoon? Would his dad say "no?" Why?

It is starting to sound like this is more about wanting to make a statement then about taking some time away to keep things chill. If that's the case, and if a parent has custody for a given timeframe, then that parent has primary decision-making over how time is spent (obviously, if it's something immediately unsafe, different issues kick in -- like, I don't know, dad playing Russian roulette with a gun). You need to be clear about that. He doesn't have to fake enjoying it, but he is expected to be at least minimally polite and defer to the adult in charge at that age.

I think if he told his Dad he wanted to go for a run, Dad would come (which he doesn’t want) or tell him no, or document it as my failure to provide him with his allotted parenting time.

And yes, he wants to make a point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So dad showed up unexpectedly where you are living and did some d**k thing to upset his son? Was it directed at you and your son for mad about it or was it directed at him personally? I’d have him send dad an email to document. “Dad yesterday you did this and upset me and makes it hard to have a good relationship with you.” When the hearing comes ask the court to specify that the dad can’t just drop over unannounced and pick up and drop off has to be a neutral place. You now have evidence.

I had a friend whose DH would come to her house for pickups but then started coming in, helping himself to drinks, even when she wasn’t there. She has to shut that down fast. Boundaries!

He came to my house, forced his way in, and screamed at me and physically intimidated me, but did not actually hurt me.

We already have an order that either I do all drop offs and pickups, or the kids transport themselves. They are old enough to ride bikes between our homes.