DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

+1 There's probably more here than just wanting to make some money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For most kids, a college degree isn’t what it used to be. The price is insane, even when parents pay it, it’s still insane. And ultimately stupid.

This is very true. Gen Z has learned there are plenty of jobs out there where they can make money and not be thousands in debt. They are poised to become the most entrepreneurial generation.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernhardschroeder/2020/02/18/a-majority-of-gen-z-aspires-to-be-entrepreneurs-and-perhaps-delay-or-skip-college-why-that-might-be-a-good-idea/?sh=38c2503d5a45

I have four kids: 21, 19, 17, and 15.

My 21 year old has an online shop where she sells stickers she designs and she's done this since she was 16. When she asked if she could do it, I was like sure, sure, sell your little stickers to friends and family because that's the only people I thought would buy them. But no, thousands of people have purchased from her and she made enough to buy her own new car at 17. She also does art commissions from time to time on her Instagram and has charged and received $800 for a painting. She also paints custom AF1s for people and some of those can sell for $200-$400 a pair!

My 19 year old and his best friend sell sneakers. They find them at thrift stores, restore them, and then resell them for a profit. He's been doing that since he was 14 or 15.

I seriously vote you
“DCUM Parent of the Month”.

You should offer consulting services.

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel for you. This would really throw me for a loop (especially since, if my kid did that, it would blow her FA)! I worked in the bar/restaurant scene. I get how fun the late night parties and camaraderie are. But, I hear you that it's not an equivalent foundation for life to college.

I think your fears are manifesting in some steel grip control that may backfire on you. I also think your DH is naive. I agree with people who say to work on connecting w/ your kid.

When I graduated college, my parents let me live at home rent free for 1 year. Maybe you offer this for this year, but make it clear that it would be 1 year only and that there would be no buffer after graduation then. He would need to be gas & incidentals, but you would cover the basics. I would also check to see how much more the cost of college is if 3 of the years are delayed and talk to him about how he plans to cover that. Your deal was to cover college out of HS. If he wants to delay, he should be prepared to get loans to cover the cost difference.

Finally, relay your concerns about him getting back into the college groove after a year out. If it is that hard to go back now, how hard will it be in a year? Explain how you love him, but you can't pick up additional cost for his adult choice that you don't agree with.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel for you. This would really throw me for a loop (especially since, if my kid did that, it would blow her FA)! I worked in the bar/restaurant scene. I get how fun the late night parties and camaraderie are. But, I hear you that it's not an equivalent foundation for life to college.

I think your fears are manifesting in some steel grip control that may backfire on you. I also think your DH is naive. I agree with people who say to work on connecting w/ your kid.

When I graduated college, my parents let me live at home rent free for 1 year. Maybe you offer this for this year, but make it clear that it would be 1 year only and that there would be no buffer after graduation then. He would need to be gas & incidentals, but you would cover the basics. I would also check to see how much more the cost of college is if 3 of the years are delayed and talk to him about how he plans to cover that. Your deal was to cover college out of HS. If he wants to delay, he should be prepared to get loans to cover the cost difference.

Finally, relay your concerns about him getting back into the college groove after a year out. If it is that hard to go back now, how hard will it be in a year? Explain how you love him, but you can't pick up additional cost for his adult choice that you don't agree with.

Good luck!

+1

[Anonymous]

The restaurant industry is intoxicating to a young adult. Rip him out fast, make him go back to school. I know way too many people personally who did just what your DS is proposing and serving tables 20 yrs later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The restaurant industry is intoxicating to a young adult. Rip him out fast, make him go back to school. I know way too many people personally who did just what your DS is proposing and serving tables 20 yrs later.

I do agree with the first and third sentences. The longer they’re there the harder it is to break out of that lifestyle.

I’m curious what kind of restaurant this is, are none of the other servers in college / will nothing change come fall?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

She said it was a family vacation, not just him and his mom(?) He has a younger brother. Just deciding last minute not to come on the family vacation is definitely weird and indicates there’s something more going on there IMO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he's making $300 a shift, which I believe because my daughter makes $400+ per shift, and he's working five shifts a week, and he's good at it which it sounds like he is and enjoys it which it sounds like he does, then he's likely to make $70K or more per year being a server.

If he moved out and paid rent and utilities and car payment and insurance and cell phone and food and whatever else he'd probably still have some money left to travel and could also save some.

I'm not sure why it's such a catastrophe for a kid to want to be a server for awhile. Maybe he'll go back to school next year or in a few years. It's kind of interesting to watch DCUM parents go into panic mode when their kid doesn't do what they are "supposed" to do. I think OP's DH has a healthier attitude about the whole thing.

It's a lot harder to go back to school a few years later, when he'll be older than all the other students. It's extremely likely that he's derailing his chances in life. Unless he sees himself as a manager of a restaurant some day, which I would not want to be or want for my kids. Waiting on tables is grueling physical work.

Why make fun of parents who are concerned about their DC's future?

You may be right socially about taking time off, but I actually found it easier to go back academically after some time off. And it's NOT extremely likely he's derailing his chances. I'm certain my life has been better BECAUSE of the time I took off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, going to the beach with your parents is not the traveling a 19 yr old is interested in.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

She said it was a family vacation, not just him and his mom(?) He has a younger brother.[b] Just deciding last minute not to come on the family vacation is definitely weird and indicates there’s something more going on there IMO

LOL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
"I really think you need to let your adult son make his own life choices."

If he wants to be treated like an adult, then bring it on. Adulting means earning your own way. He can go rent an apartment and buy himself a car. Does he even have health insurance and PTO in case he gets sick and can't be in the restaurant earning tips?

OP, I am in a similar boat like yours but my situation is a bit different.  My DS decided not to come back to Purdue for his second year and instead work for Apple as a software engineer in a full time position.  He is getting paid 200K/yr starting salary.  He is that good with software development.  I want him to go back to Purdue to continue his college education in Computer Engineering but he refuses to do so and DH supports DS with this decision.  I think DS is being shortsighted because he could be making a lot more than 200k/yr after graduation. DH and I have been fighting everyday over the past month on this and it is causing a rift in our marriage.

I think this is a different situation. Not everyone in IT has a college degree and it is a field where you can make a good living and there is some career longevity. He can also decide to work on his college degree online if he looks around and sees that it would hold him back from moving up or moving to a different company without the degree. The food service industry is a tough one long-term, not always stable, the hours can be tough if you want to have a family, and it can be a harder road to both work and go to school if you are working all those hours. I have a sibling that dropped out of college and works at restaurants etc. and it hasn’t been easy or stable.

To OP, I think your son can make his own choices and if you force college when he doesn’t want to go you are wasting your money. That said, he can’t have it both ways - be a self-supporting adult but also have his parents financially supporting him - that’s a no for me. Reasonable is what things would pay for/allow once they graduated for college and for how long - be upfront. For us, our kids would need to pay for car insurance on their own, pay to have their own car, and be on their own insurance policy within a year of graduating. We would probably keep them on our health insurance as long as we could (I think it’s 26 unless they are married) but they would need to be aware of the costs to have insurance and co-pays etc. I would want them to understand this before they had to do it on their own. I would keep them on our cell phone - lots of grown adults are on family plans - until we were old enough for the senior plan. They also have to pay rent if they are living at home unless they are paying for grad school, saving for a house, or paying down debt and that has a 1-2 year limit depending on the situation. I would charge below market - but it wouldn’t be free.

I think it’s fair that you sit down and budget with your son and what things look like during his extended school break and after the 1 year break. During the one year break, I would look at it as if my adult kid was trying to get financially on their feet - some breaks but also preparing for what they need money wise to be on their own year 2.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing drugs and/or a loser boyfriend or girlfriend are involved in this. What a disaster. This is why you don’t let your educated kids mix with unmotivated low class. No I’m not kidding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most kids, a college degree isn’t what it used to be. The price is insane, even when parents pay it, it’s still insane. And ultimately stupid.

He’s not a software engineer quitting college to launch an app or some cloud service. He’s quitting to become a flunky waiter. Have you looked at your average waiter? They’re uneducated tattooed wrecks, often with narcotic and alcohol issues. It’s a dead-end job for flunkies who think $100-300 cash means much of anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing drugs and/or a loser boyfriend or girlfriend are involved in this. What a disaster. This is why you don’t let your educated kids mix with unmotivated low class. No I’m not kidding.

What an elitist snob. I hope you never ever go out to eat.