DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??

[Anonymous]

I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!

[Anonymous]

He's newly empowered, with money, probably getting laid. Is the latter a new thing, Op? The relationship may fizzle. I asked before and I didn't get an answer - does he go to a fun college? Honesty, I think it makes a difference. The more natural thing is to want to go back. College needs to be -just enough- of a party school so students want to go back.

[Anonymous]

I'm with you OP.

My nephew did the same after his freshman year working as a bartender. In his case, mom was all for the "gap" year and dad was furious.... He lived rent free for the first year, unfortunately, he never went back to college. Moved out and went to live with other buddies in similar situation as him. Young college drop outs.

He's a good kid still and now in his mid 20s he regrets it. He tells his younger cousins including my kids to suck it up and just finish school.

I told my kids if they did the same, they would be "adulting" completely. No rent-free here for school drop outs!

I would cut a deal and have him enrolled at the Community College, at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing drugs and/or a loser boyfriend or girlfriend are involved in this. What a disaster. This is why you don’t let your educated kids mix with unmotivated low class. No I’m not kidding.

What an elitist snob. I hope you never ever go out to eat.

Well my 22 year old who just graduated summa cum laude in biochem from a decent university hangs out with waiters his own age who quit college and are making $300-$500 a night. He’s an introvert so he knows he won’t be making big bucks. He took a break from studying for the MCAT and is lifeguarding during the day and hanging out with the waiters at night. I don’t find those kids unmotivated. They work hard and have very good people skills.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!

It's call parenting.

Guiding them in the right direction...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

She said it was a family vacation, not just him and his mom(?) He has a younger brother. Just deciding last minute not to come on the family vacation is definitely weird and indicates there’s something more going on there IMO

That’s right about the age where my older kids stopped vacationing with us. No other reason except they got better offers or didn’t want to take off work. It’s a normal part of growing up.

[Anonymous]

Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

[Anonymous]

I've got several kids. I also was were your son was years ago. My parents forced me back to school and I worked F&B (and yes it was a cesspool of sex & drugs). I was absolutely miserable but slogged through and got my degree. In retrospect my parents were 100% correct in forcing me to finish my degree as I'm 100% certain I never would have gone back. Is a degree the end all be all in life? Of course not, but once you have it you have it and it does open doors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

She said it was a family vacation, not just him and his mom(?) He has a younger brother. Just deciding last minute not to come on the family vacation is definitely weird and indicates there’s something more going on there IMO

That’s right about the age where my older kids stopped vacationing with us. No other reason except they got better offers or didn’t want to take off work. It’s a normal part of growing up.

Interesting. My kids are (significantly) younger so I’m looking back to myself/my siblings at 19 instead, but I honestly cannot relate less - we were so excited for family time and family vacations. What you’re describing is how I felt around 15, but by the time I was 18/19 it was a different story. I know every family has different dynamics though. My friends who didn’t have close families would very intentionally get jobs in our college town and stay there over the summer, versus going back home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've got several kids. I also was were your son was years ago. My parents forced me back to school and I worked F&B (and yes it was a cesspool of sex & drugs). I was absolutely miserable but slogged through and got my degree. In retrospect my parents were 100% correct in forcing me to finish my degree as I'm 100% certain I never would have gone back. Is a degree the end all be all in life? Of course not, but once you have it you have it and it does open doors.

What is F&B?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!

I’m surprised kids who want to drop out of college don’t understand what bills they will need to pay on their own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with your husband. I think it’s great. Your kids only have so many opportunities to do things like take a year off to work and travel. Bribing him to do his sophomore year of college doesn’t seem like a good move.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's having sex with a waitress.

Restaurants are notorious for heavy drinking after their shifts, too. I would be concerned if my DS wanted to stay home from college to do that.

I would talk to him and say, it's a fun way to spend the summer but you need to complete your degree. Can you ask him why he doesn't want to go back?

This was my immediate thought too. Are you sure it’s not about a girl (…or, of course, a guy)?

Also I find the skipping out on family vacation thing really strange. I guess I don’t know your family dynamics but…did that surprise you? I really wonder if there is something else going on here, that strikes me as quite unusual / drastic / out of the ordinary

Most 19 year olds do not want to vacation with Mom and the reality is the restaurant probably needed him to work.

She said it was a family vacation, not just him and his mom(?) He has a younger brother. Just deciding last minute not to come on the family vacation is definitely weird and indicates there’s something more going on there IMO

That’s right about the age where my older kids stopped vacationing with us. No other reason except they got better offers or didn’t want to take off work. It’s a normal part of growing up.

Interesting. My kids are (significantly) younger so I’m looking back to myself/my siblings at 19 instead, but I honestly cannot relate less - we were so excited for family time and family vacations. What you’re describing is how I felt around 15, but by the time I was 18/19 it was a different story. I know every family has different dynamics though. My friends who didn’t have close families would very intentionally get jobs in our college town and stay there over the summer, versus going back home

We’re actually all really close and take lots of trips together. We do beach trips a number of times a year. But vacations are two weeks and that’s a lot of time to be away from a job. Your hours tend to get cut after that big of a gap and they have bills. We don’t pay any car expenses for our kids so they have gas, insurance and whatever car payments they owe. So their better offers aren’t all social - it’s the opportunity to keep high hours and to have cars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've got several kids. I also was were your son was years ago. My parents forced me back to school and I worked F&B (and yes it was a cesspool of sex & drugs). I was absolutely miserable but slogged through and got my degree. In retrospect my parents were 100% correct in forcing me to finish my degree as I'm 100% certain I never would have gone back. Is a degree the end all be all in life? Of course not, but once you have it you have it and it does open doors.

What is F&B?

Food & Beverage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Restaurant workers do not have the healthiest lifestyles, often. There is generally a lot of smoking, drinking and late hours. Not to mention drugs among the kitchen staff. I would worry about what he is being exposed to.

This. If there's one thing I learned during my years as a server (during HS, college, and grad school), it's that the restaurant industry is full of drugs, booze, and convicts.

Know why you see so many restaurant workers walking or biking to work? Not because they can't afford a car, but because they've lost their license from DUIs.

The BOH in a restaurant is full of criminals on parole and usually even ankle monitors. Most are high af during their shifts, too.

When I had kids, I told my partner that they would never be allowed to work as servers or any position in a restaurant.

I've seen the allure of cash and access to drugs derail so many young people during my time serving.