When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

[Anonymous]

FWIW my mom was the “wronged” one and tried to tell me about it when I was 16 or so. I wanted to slap her across the face. I’m sure Dad was imperfect and made mistakes. He was also dealing with a lunatic wife for decades, a selfless provider, and many many other positives.

Having her try to get the kids to “side” with her and commiserate over her life was truly revolting. I didn’t then and don’t now want to hear about my parents’ sex lives or emotional needs. Not my burden as their child.

We all still love Dad dearly. We love but mostly just tolerate Mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

[Anonymous]

+1. Could’ve written this myself. I started dating when in house separated from ex and still legally married. He has cast me as the cheating ho that broke up our marriage. Our kids know the time line of dating my new husband and they have accepted him. They also got to witness their father hit me, spit on me, berate me, and other forms of abuse. They have much less respect for their father (oldest doesn’t see him anymore). Kids know I got out due to their father. Younger child is counting the days until he can live with me full time.

Gloating that your kids have a poor relationship with their dad and that you feel no remorse for cheating is really not a good look. Sounds like you should have left your first marriage AND waited to start dating until you were divorced. Both things can be true.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I pretty much don’t believe the narrative of the cheater mom who has been posting here at all. It doesn’t ring true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

+1. Could’ve written this myself. I started dating when in house separated from ex and still legally married. He has cast me as the cheating ho that broke up our marriage. Our kids know the time line of dating my new husband and they have accepted him. They also got to witness their father hit me, spit on me, berate me, and other forms of abuse. They have much less respect for their father (oldest doesn’t see him anymore). Kids know I got out due to their father. Younger child is counting the days until he can live with me full time.

Gloating that your kids have a poor relationship with their dad and that you feel no remorse for cheating is really not a good look. Sounds like you should have left your first marriage AND waited to start dating until you were divorced. Both things can be true.

Wow, you really lack empathy. I hope your black and white outlook serves you well. There is so much more nuance in what’s written above but you selfishly focus in on the only point that matters to you. I would take my dad cheating on my mom 50000 times over than my dad beating my mom. God. Who wouldn’t??? Obviously both aren’t great but life is messy and things happen. Teach your kids to be human and recognize how to manage adversity without it defining them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

Zero urge to ever tell my kids. I protect them with my life which means I would tell nobody, but a therapist.

I would tell the other spouse of the OM/OW if there were one though. Adult business and all… they deserve to know to protect themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

And, man, does that suck for the betrayed spouse that is not a liar. They now have to live a lie and carry that lie with them to the grave. They can’t even get the support of family and friends and have to lie around them too,,,all to protect their kids. It is a real POS to do someone abs now they are going against their honest nature and transparent way of living.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

FWIW, “Just saying” is a happily married man in his 50s. You’re also wrong about your other points.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any experience with this, but I don’t see why women need to protect their shitty husbands’ reputations, even for the sake of the kids. There are age-appropriate and unemotional ways to tell them.

Agree and kids sometimes know anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So mom tells kids dad cheated which is why we divorced. Dad tells kids he cheated because mom refused to have sex with him. Mom says they stopped having sex because dad wasn't capable with chores so it made her resent him.

Most of DCUM thinks this is acceptable discourse for kids

Dad cheated because mom refused to have sex with him.

So the only solution is to cheat? How about dad working on improving the marriage?

The baseline DCUM assumption is that if there's a sexless marriage, it's always the husband's fault.

Really? I see the opposite. Always the women and it’s because they’re ugly/fat/uninteresting. DCUM hates women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t have any experience with this, but I don’t see why women need to protect their shitty husbands’ reputations, even for the sake of the kids. There are age-appropriate and unemotional ways to tell them.

Agree and kids sometimes know anyway.

I agree with you but age and context matters. My kids are young. I’m not going to tell them the reason I left their father was because he was a drunk and abusive to me right now. But at some I want them to know the backstory because alcoholism runs in families, as does abuse. However when and how I share that matters to their psychological health and our relationship. You don’t want your kids to think you’re intentionally trying to damage their relationship with their father.

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the situation, but I don't think covering up is a good idea, especially if the kids suspect or ask.

If the spouse is moving in/moving on with the AP then I think you figure out how to tell the kids.

I have a friend whose husband left her for someone he worked with right after their third child was born. She never hid the fact that the divorce was a direct result of that and in fact sent out a Christmas letter to that effect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

As someone who has kept the secret from my kids for two decades, I’m not sure it’s the right thing to do. Kids who grow up in a family system with a big secret like that experience a distortion in relationships. What they see with their own eyes and what they are told are different. They draw the wrong conclusions about things because they don’t have full information.

Lying and secret keeping are forms of emotional abuse. Cheating is a serious, deeply traumatic form of emotional abuse. It wasn’t noble or kind or morally correct of me to keep the secrets about their dad’s infidelity; it was selfish and weak. It was selfish because even though the cheating wasn’t my fault, I kept the secret so that I could avoid being blamed and diminished. It was weak, because I knew that he would keep paying child support If I didn’t out him and that he would stop paying child support if I did tell the secret. I needed child support for my kids. He has always jerked me around about money – currently it doesn’t pay anything towards college – but it would’ve been even worse without child support.

Both kids have become entangled in abusive relationships largely because they never saw me explicitly draw a boundary against their dads emotionally abusive and manipulative ways. Instead they have, perhaps unknowingly, imitated the same dishonesty and secret keeping that guy engaged in by keeping his secrets and pretending that he was a good dad. Now the kids are in relationships where they minimize abuse and pretend they have good partners. It’s sad to watch. I’m sorry I listen to those who said that the secretive infidelity was too much to share with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As my grandparents would say, “it’s adult business”. There is no reason to share with kids.

Also, the men have no reason to stray if they are getting their sexual needs met at home. Just saying….

+1.

This very recently developed impulse to tell children every intimate detail of your adult life is so gross. Grow up and have some self respect.

“Just sayin’ “ is the cheating lady. Such a trashy expression. Adults that put their needs before their children. Then get caught and want everyone to keep their secrets. The truth is many kids find evidence themselves. By age 8/9, they know what’s going on. And teens, forget it. They are more tech savvy than their louse cheating parent.

That said, if the kids knew nothing, I would not tell them ever if I were reconciling. Ever.

If the cheating mom or dad was divorcing/leaving because of the affair, I wouldn’t directly say they were banging someone else. However, if they were older teens/adults and point blank asked because of high suspicion. I wouldn’t deny, but I wouldn’t give elaborate details. Teaching kids to hide secrets and lie is what comes of that.

The urge to tell to tell the kids comes from an ignoble and selfish motive - namely, the desire to punish the other parent and make the kids hate the other parent as much as you do. That’s not putting the kids first either. If it takes some degree of “dishonesty” and “secret keeping” to be effective coparents then that’s what you should do.

Ridiculous. I’m the PP whose DH learned about his father’s cheating in a middle school cafeteria. Hiding the cheating from him was incredibly selfish (something his mother did at his father’s request in the divorce). His father’s selfish desire to hide the truth led to devastating consequences for DH.

It is perfectly possible to share the truth in an age-appropriate but truthful manner, and it’s better to be honest.