Reply to I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

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Reply to "I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, it doesn't sound like you hate having kids, just that you hate "being a mom" in the way our culture (and your husband) conceptualize it.

I too want to poke my own eyes out after spending 3 hours volunteering at my kid's school. I loathe the PTA and do not want to be involved in my kids' activities at a high level. I love them and want to make sure they have access to good opportunities. I don't mind helping with homework (real homework where they actually learn things, not the BS busywork that sometimes gets sent home) but I just want to drop my kid off at baseball practice, not be the "team mom" and prepare snacks for the whole team and show up an hour early to prep the field and whatever. Can't I just send a snack with my kid or maybe volunteer for one day of snack duty and we just pay someone to prep the field? Why does this stuff always seem to involve so much parental involvement and effort? Especially when it still costs a ton of money. We give our school a couple grand during every fundraising drive, we pay through the nose for these activities? Why do they act like without our volunteer labor, everything would fall apart?

I think there is this expectation that being an involved parent has to mean something so high level and intensive, especially for moms. It's not reasonable. I have a job, I have my own social life, I've given up a lot for my kids (happily, I adore them) but I don't need to make "mom" my entire identity. I don't see how that helps them anyway. Isn't part of my job as a parent to set an example and show them what a functional adult looks like? Shouldn't they see me taking care of myself, taking time for myself, being reasonable about my commitments and being willing to say "no" when someone is asking for more than I can give? I don't want to be a mommy martyr, and I don't want to teach my kids that moms must be martyrs.

My DH, by the way, doesn't do any of this volunteer stuff and no one gives him crap about it. He helps with homework and shows up for the recital and people applaud him for being an involved dad, instead of giving him grief for not doing more. I hold myself to that same standard. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and our family gets along well. I don't need to do more.

As for the kids bickering, some of that is inevitable (kids bicker) but I also wonder if part of it is that they are picking up on disagreement between you and your DH, or your unhappiness, and it's contributing to more discord.[/quote]

Not OP.  I know you are trying to help, but your post comes off as judgmental, defensive, and self-centered AF.  You say you don't need to make "mom" your entire identity, but it sounds like you don't want "mom" to inconvenience your life in any way at all.  You think spending money makes you a good mom, and rather than thank the other mothers whose different approach actually makes a difference in YOUR kids' lives you appear to hold them in contempt.

In short, you sound like an awful person, and I wonder how your kids will treat you as adults.  I'm betting whatever relationship you have will be superficial at best.  But I'm also betting you won't care about that either.[/quote]

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