I regret having kids. I don't like being a mom. And it's affecting my marriage

[Anonymous]

Your job is to feed, house, clothe them, take them to the dr., make sure they go to school every day, and of course, love them. You don't have to lead girls scouts or coach soccer or whatever. Enough IS enough.

Outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce so if you have to hire a high school kid to chauffeur your kids around, take them to softball practice or swimming lessons, art camp, whatever, do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is more common than you think. I’m so happy more women AND men are being candid and funeral e regarding this feeling. Regretful parenthood is real and should be discussed More.

I hope things get better for you.

+1 Lots of us are out here OP. We just do the best we can on any given day. Then start over the next day.

OP needs to be honest with herself about whether she is doing her best. Only she can say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to feed, house, clothe them, take them to the dr., make sure they go to school every day, and of course, love them. You don't have to lead girls scouts or coach soccer or whatever. Enough IS enough.

Outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce so if you have to hire a high school kid to chauffeur your kids around, take them to softball practice or swimming lessons, art camp, whatever, do it.

+1
I don't volunteer. I don't do girl scouts. I do activities that matter and that is it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to feed, house, clothe them, take them to the dr., make sure they go to school every day, and of course, love them. You don't have to lead girls scouts or coach soccer or whatever. Enough IS enough.

Outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce so if you have to hire a high school kid to chauffeur your kids around, take them to softball practice or swimming lessons, art camp, whatever, do it.

Sure but you also need to *try* not to lose your call when parenting, or when siblings do typical kid things like bicker. No one is perfect of course, but you can’t let your regrets about parenthood be an excuse to not make a real effort at parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to feed, house, clothe them, take them to the dr., make sure they go to school every day, and of course, love them. You don't have to lead girls scouts or coach soccer or whatever. Enough IS enough.

Outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce so if you have to hire a high school kid to chauffeur your kids around, take them to softball practice or swimming lessons, art camp, whatever, do it.

Yes. A lot of parents do just this. They are good parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

I think individual therapy would be good for you. There’s a lot to unpack there in terms of life regrets that go beyond motherhood, and perhaps romanticizing a phase in your life that hasn’t happened yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your job is to feed, house, clothe them, take them to the dr., make sure they go to school every day, and of course, love them. You don't have to lead girls scouts or coach soccer or whatever. Enough IS enough.

Outsourcing is cheaper than a divorce so if you have to hire a high school kid to chauffeur your kids around, take them to softball practice or swimming lessons, art camp, whatever, do it.

Fine to delegate some parental duties. Not fine to be derelict in your parental duties.

[Anonymous]

I’m glad most people are being nice. The perfect moms can go fork themselves (Good Place ref). I agree that individual therapy could help OP unpack these feelings. Social expectations of mothers are very unforgiving and DH sounds like a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought about where to post this but think this might be the best forum. I am 46 and have a 5 year old and 11 year old. I really dislike being a mom. I love my kids. I think they are amazing but I can't stand parenting. I try hard to be patient and loving but I feel like I don't have any ability to just do whatever I want to do. I know this sounds really selfish. I get that I brought these kids into the world - they didn't have the choice. But how do I get to a better place? How do I stop resenting being a mom? I hate constantly telling them to not fight. To be kinder to each other. They don't listen and then I lose my cool.

My husband is angry that I don't spend more time volunteering at their schools, playing board games with them and getting more involved with their activities. I don't know how to do as much as he does - I simply don't care. I hate board games. I spent 3 hours volunteering at their field day and I wanted to poke my eyes out.

It's getting to a place where I just want to run away. I feel like any effort I make is not enough. Is this normal or do most moms love being a mom? I really regret a lot of my decisions in life. I just can't wait for them to grow up so I have the freedom to do what I want to do. Jeez, I sound like a horrible person.

I think individual therapy would be good for you. There’s a lot to unpack there in terms of life regrets that go beyond motherhood, and perhaps romanticizing a phase in your life that hasn’t happened yet.

Agree with this - you should have support finding space for yourself in your own life. It’s not good to model for kids that women give their lives up for children - that is not what I want my kids to feel they have to do as parents. You also need support how to frame responses to your DH’s demands - is he demanding certain forms of engagement? what’s the underlying reason? are there substitutes you can offer that you can live with? OP, you might also want to take a parenting class(es) with your DH. Some degree of sibling fighting is normal, but at the age of your kids, you both should be helping them express emotions and solve conflict reasonably. I recommend Parent Encouragement Program (pepparent.org, I think). As a bonus, the PEP perspective is to foster the independence of kids - so at the ages of your children, they should be doing a lot of what it takes to run the house and their daily lives, thus minimizing the parent drudgery.

[Anonymous]

There are so many of us there. Thank God for jobs and school. I did things with mine that we all enjoy - reading, hiking, playing sports. I can't stand crafts and pretend play. But parenting is hard and dull at the same time. My kids are adults now and it gets better as they get older.

[Anonymous]

I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

Also, tell your husband to shove it.

[Anonymous]

OP, can you talk to your husband about each of you working in some solo vacations, even if it's just you staying in a hotel in Annapolis or Georgetown or somewhere else "staycation-y" for two nights? And then he can go on a ski weekend with his friends or something?

I take at least one girls' trip a year, and I sometimes go to weddings by myself while DH stays home with the kids. (I happen to get invited to a lot of graduate student weddings, and it's fun to bop to those and not worry about buying a second plane ticket for DH or securing child care.) Those little trips where I can Just Be Me make a big difference. And if you can frame it as he gets some time to himself or with his friends, too, that might be progress.

And don't be too hard on yourself. My mom was a great mom-of-me-as-a-little-kid, and started not knowing what to do with us as we got older and left the house. It's like she was only good at early childhood parenting. She's a massive pain to deal with as an adult sometimes. So you might not be the most cookie-baking, pretend-play mom now, but maybe you'll be a great mom of teens/young adults/adults, and that is where you'll hit your stride!

[Anonymous]

What are your hobbies (that are just for you) that you make time for? It sounds like you need some time for just you, and your husband needs to help you make that time.

It's hard to fit in, but it makes me so much happier when I make sure to go to book club - because I enjoy it - and leave my husband and child at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I enjoy being a mother but certainly do not like some of the things you describe. Playing kid board games is painful. Pretend play is painful. I like to take the kids to museums and things like that. I like to cook with them. I enjoy certain volunteering at the school but loathe other things. I think the difference is that because I think I enjoy motherhood and that I am a decent mother, I do not feel guilty about the stuff I do not do. Find a few things you enjoy doing with your kids. Forget the rest. Good mothers come in all sorts of actions. One does not need to martyr her life to be a good mother.

Also, tell your husband to shove it.

Would you be telling a wife the same thing, if her husband said he regrets being a dad, doesn’t want to parent, jus wants to do what he wants to do?

Or would you tell him to suck it up and engage with the kids he helped bring into the world?