Reply to Etiquettes- guests coming empty handed to dinner is this okay?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The way I was raised, it is standard to bring a gift that is not expected to be part of the meal, even if you ask what you can bring to be part of the meal, and are told “nothing”. What that means is the hosts doesn’t need an extra dish on the table, [b]not that you shouldn’t thank them for inviting you. [/b]

That said:

it’s also perfectly ok to do the thank you gift AFTER the event (say drop off flowers the next day), and

the etiquette rules are more casual with people we are closer with, and see more often. If I happen to be in my best friends  neighborhood and they say to stop by for lunch or a drink I’ll do so, even if I don’t have anything with me, but I might bring two bottles of wine, or wine and flowers, another night when I’m invited for dinner.

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Please thank me verbally, with a note, or by inviting me to your house in return. I do not want physical gifts.[/quote]

That's fine, but etiquette dictates bringing something, and there are those hosts who *will* be offended by empty-handed guests, so it's wise to err on the side of caution and bring wine/flowers/etc. [/quote]

Etiquette does NOT dictate, actually. Etiquette simply means putting yourself in other's shoes to do what's most comfortable for them. Over time, etiquette was codified into a set of "rules", but that's only because the upper strata of western society was at one point much more homogeneous (white Christian, all went to the same schools, etc), and everyone all expected the same thing. Nowadays, it's most definitely not the case, so if someone does not respect those "rules" but is otherwise a helpful and charming friend, it would be inappropriate to feel offended.

My point is this: too often on DCUM people mistake empty gestures for actual integrity and loyalty. Please do not fall into that trap. Do not dismiss people who fail to write thank you letters, or who fail to bring you wine at every dinner party. Perhaps the friends who don't do that but are there for you in times of need are more worthy of your affection.

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