Feeling sad about losing a mom friendship over bullying

[Anonymous]

Just FYI, OP, if the child is really damaging to your DC, you should put your DC first. No friendship that you have is worth any level of damage to your child.

We have good friends who's child is a complete brat. She's a terrible influence on my eldest, verbally abusive to my youngest, and a pill with the rest of us. We made the decision to see them significantly less. Why? Because my kids come first and I don't want any of my children in an environment like that. Note that this child is much older - 8th not K - so the actions are quite intentionally.

That said, your DC comes first always.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

A clingy friend does not warrant getting bashed up or talked about to other girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

Take your blame the victim BS elsewhere. We are not interested in yet another DCUM poster who works so hard to dog pile on the OP.

The fact is, the teachers separated them. That says A LOT. The bully has some issues to work on. Doesn't mean she can't grow into a great kid. But right now, she is being a bully. I'm tired of the parents on here who won't use the word and try to make excuses because of the pandemic or she's six or blah blah blah blah. That is crap parenting. No excuses. Teachers and parents need to put a stop to it clearly and quickly so that kid can learn and mature into that great kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

I know plenty of six year olds and physically harming another child coupled with spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them is not run of the mill.

Are you the mom of the bully in question? And yes, it's textbook bullying. The PP who said not to call it that is FOS.

Are you the OP or a sockpuppet? Who made you such an authority of what's happening in this case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

I know plenty of six year olds and physically harming another child coupled with spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them is not run of the mill.

Are you the mom of the bully in question? And yes, it's textbook bullying. The PP who said not to call it that is FOS.

Are you the OP or a sockpuppet? Who made you such an authority of what's happening in this case?

Neither. OP has given plenty of information. The behavior is bullying and unacceptable. Why is that hard? No one is calling for any exceptionally harsh circumstances for the bully. The kids are being separated and it's probably a good idea for the time being. End of story.

What is it that you are looking for? Rationalizing how that bullying is acceptable. It isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

A clingy friend does not warrant getting bashed up or talked about to other girls.

But from the other girl's perspective she could feel smothered or that she wasn't allowed to have other friends. I know the people here desperately want to tar and feather a 6 year old kindergartens girl and call her a bully for the rest of her days, but perhaps, this was a complicated friendship. But the word "bully" seems to send some people into a tailspin and further discussion is not allowed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

You must be a mom of a bully.

+1

You must be moms of toddlers. Do you know how many times my kids have come home crying about so-and-so excluding them and not playing with them and then the next week they forget all about it and are best friends? Happens all the time. Or my kids didn't get along with some kids who were too physical, or bossy, and then a few months later all is forgotten and everyone is friends. You people need to chill and quit labelling young children as monsters when they are all still just figuring things out. Maybe OP and the kid aren't meant to be friends, or maybe they will work it out. It's kindergarten, after the summer it can all change.

I think it’s weird the OP seems to think the very over the top sounding physical issues are equivalent to the pretty typical mean girl behavior of exclusion which does happen quite a lot. It’s not great but it’s definitely not on the same level as punching and leaving bruises. Regardless it’s ok to be sad but is this really a big change? Did the girls play together fine before this? It sounds like a big escalation and I guess it would make me curious and slightly worried about the other girl. And I say that as a parent of a DD who has had some behavioral issues we work with multiple professionals on.

The girl was always kind of mean but the physical stuff happened out of the blue last week. It makes me wonder how long this has been going on. Otherwise the usual girl stuff was par of course but I found nothing too alarming.

It just sounds like a huge escalation and not typical unless she’s been doing more minor hitting and pushing that you don’t know about. What does your daughter say about what happened? There’s no excuse for that kind of violence at all but I’d want some details about what if anything your daughter did that made this girl upset. Her mom isn’t doing her any favors pretending this is normal but I’d really want to know what happened in the one incident that is really atypical.

PP - not to imply that they should not be separated, it does sound justified. Just I’d really want to understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

A clingy friend does not warrant getting bashed up or talked about to other girls.

But from the other girl's perspective she could feel smothered or that she wasn't allowed to have other friends. I know the people here desperately want to tar and feather a 6 year old kindergartens girl and call her a bully for the rest of her days, but perhaps, this was a complicated friendship. But the word "bully" seems to send some people into a tailspin and further discussion is not allowed.

She is being a bully right now. But she doesn't have to be a bully tomorrow. She should neither be coddled and led to believe the behavior was in any way acceptable nor should she be branded a bully forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

This is really extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

I know plenty of six year olds and physically harming another child coupled with spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them is not run of the mill.

Are you the mom of the bully in question? And yes, it's textbook bullying. The PP who said not to call it that is FOS.

Are you the OP or a sockpuppet? Who made you such an authority of what's happening in this case?

Neither. OP has given plenty of information. The behavior is bullying and unacceptable. Why is that hard? No one is calling for any exceptionally harsh circumstances for the bully. The kids are being separated and it's probably a good idea for the time being. End of story.

What is it that you are looking for? Rationalizing how that bullying is acceptable. It isn't.

what’s the purpose of labeling this “bullying”? It seems like you think “bullying” is some kind of scientific truth that leads to an inevitable course of action. From all that OP said, the situation is much more complex than “one bully and one innocent victim.” Of course when kids this young are having repeated issues you need to pay attention and take action, but using the term “bully” as if it’s some kind of diagnosis is absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

A clingy friend does not warrant getting bashed up or talked about to other girls.

But from the other girl's perspective she could feel smothered or that she wasn't allowed to have other friends. I know the people here desperately want to tar and feather a 6 year old kindergartens girl and call her a bully for the rest of her days, but perhaps, this was a complicated friendship. But the word "bully" seems to send some people into a tailspin and further discussion is not allowed.

She is being a bully right now. But she doesn't have to be a bully tomorrow. She should neither be coddled and led to believe the behavior was in any way acceptable nor should she be branded a bully forever.

PP again. Wanted to add that let's say OPs kid was being clingy. Is the appropriate response to that to physically hurt her or be exclusionary in a way that involves the teacher and other kids? Absolutely not. Regardless of her motivation, her response was inappropriate bullying behavior. You can't sugar coat that. So regardless of the motivation, she needs to learn that this is not how you handle difficulties in a relationship. Ever.

I really don't understand anyone who is trying to gloss over the behavior of a six year old who hurts another kid in these ways. The fact that the teachers are aware of this to the point that they are separating the girls says a lot to me, none of it good. The OP is not calling for further action. She is just saying she is sad that this will change her relationship with the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a close family friend and our kids knew each other since they were babies. The families did everything together, including vacationing. Kids are now in kindergarten .Turns out that her kid was bullying my kid physically and also isolating her from other kids and teachers by spreading rumors. The school separated them and I also cut off all play dates and all activities they had together. I know I did the right thing for my kid but I am still mourning the six yr friendship - even though I hope adults can look pass this the reality is things aren’t the same. Any words of wisdom?

I am curious how a kindergartner isolates another kindergartner from teachers by spreading rumors.

Well the kid would go to the teachers and say that DD was rude. DD would try to deny it and the teachers would not believe her because DD was very attached to this girl and was clingy before.

The facts come slowly from OP but a clearer picture is emerging as to what's really going on.

A clingy friend does not warrant getting bashed up or talked about to other girls.

But from the other girl's perspective she could feel smothered or that she wasn't allowed to have other friends. I know the people here desperately want to tar and feather a 6 year old kindergartens girl and call her a bully for the rest of her days, but perhaps, this was a complicated friendship. But the word "bully" seems to send some people into a tailspin and further discussion is not allowed.

She is being a bully right now. But she doesn't have to be a bully tomorrow. She should neither be coddled and led to believe the behavior was in any way acceptable nor should she be branded a bully forever.

PP again. Wanted to add that let's say OPs kid was being clingy. Is the appropriate response to that to physically hurt her or be exclusionary in a way that involves the teacher and other kids? Absolutely not. Regardless of her motivation, her response was inappropriate bullying behavior. You can't sugar coat that. So regardless of the motivation, she needs to learn that this is not how you handle difficulties in a relationship. Ever.

I really don't understand anyone who is trying to gloss over the behavior of a six year old who hurts another kid in these ways. The fact that the teachers are aware of this to the point that they are separating the girls says a lot to me, none of it good. The OP is not calling for further action. She is just saying she is sad that this will change her relationship with the mom.

I don't think people are glossing over it. But ending a friendship with someone over this is kinda nuts. I mean were you ever really friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

I know plenty of six year olds and physically harming another child coupled with spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them is not run of the mill.

Are you the mom of the bully in question? And yes, it's textbook bullying. The PP who said not to call it that is FOS.

Are you the OP or a sockpuppet? Who made you such an authority of what's happening in this case?

Neither. OP has given plenty of information. The behavior is bullying and unacceptable. Why is that hard? No one is calling for any exceptionally harsh circumstances for the bully. The kids are being separated and it's probably a good idea for the time being. End of story.

What is it that you are looking for? Rationalizing how that bullying is acceptable. It isn't.

what’s the purpose of labeling this “bullying”? It seems like you think “bullying” is some kind of scientific truth that leads to an inevitable course of action. From all that OP said, the situation is much more complex than “one bully and one innocent victim.” Of course when kids this young are having repeated issues you need to pay attention and take action, but using the term “bully” as if it’s some kind of diagnosis is absurd.

I suppose if we call someone a charmer or a good sport, you’ll get bent out of shape that they are getting a “diagnosis.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why didn't you just take a break and keep the kids separate for awhile before blowing it all up? They are 6 and by nature and poor social skills. Kids don't get along one month and are best friends the next at this age.

This is not sound advice. Six is plenty old enough to know. Do not put your child with this other child to get re-victimized.

"Re-vitimized"? Good Lord, do you know any 6 year olds?

I know plenty of six year olds and physically harming another child coupled with spreading rumors about them in order to socially isolate them is not run of the mill.

Are you the mom of the bully in question? And yes, it's textbook bullying. The PP who said not to call it that is FOS.

Are you the OP or a sockpuppet? Who made you such an authority of what's happening in this case?

Neither. OP has given plenty of information. The behavior is bullying and unacceptable. Why is that hard? No one is calling for any exceptionally harsh circumstances for the bully. The kids are being separated and it's probably a good idea for the time being. End of story.

What is it that you are looking for? Rationalizing how that bullying is acceptable. It isn't.

what’s the purpose of labeling this “bullying”? It seems like you think “bullying” is some kind of scientific truth that leads to an inevitable course of action. From all that OP said, the situation is much more complex than “one bully and one innocent victim.” Of course when kids this young are having repeated issues you need to pay attention and take action, but using the term “bully” as if it’s some kind of diagnosis is absurd.

What is the purpose of avoiding the word "bully" in this context. We are not the principle or teachers deciding what will happen to this child. We are a bunch of anonymous strangers discussing the behavior on the internet. It will not impact this child in any way. And the behavior is textbook bullying. I don't think a single person on this thread has said anything about a diagnosis (??) or any inevitable course of action. WTF are you talking about?

Why is the appropriate description of the behavior in this context so triggering for you?