Spouse is controlled by parents

[Anonymous]

Early 30s and no kids. Married ~3 years. Spouse for our entire marriage has had some serious boundary/control issues with parents which was not great and we ended up seeing a marriage counselor.

To this day, If I ever say “no I’d rather not”, “maybe we can do this instead”, “X came up so maybe we can reschedule” spouse immediately goes into fight or flight mode and becomes argumentative. They talk to parents once a week and we see them once a month or so it’s not like I’m trying to estrange anyone, it’s just they have this need to ensure whatever their parents want happens without any variance or protest. They are never like this with my parents or other friends we socialize with. Many times these arguments last for days.

We are starting with another marriage counselor now but had anyone dealt with this? Does it get better?

[Anonymous]

Divorce. Seriously. It’s not worth it. If you have kids, it will get one million times worse.

[Anonymous]

Two things, one it is really helpful for discussions - validate their perspective, some people just cannot hear your point of view until they feel thy have been heard. But you also need to be clearer yourself. Saying ‘I’d rather not’ is not ‘No’. Maybe your spouse think you are okay with plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Two things, one it is really helpful for discussions - validate their perspective, some people just cannot hear your point of view until they feel thy have been heard. But you also need to be clearer yourself. Saying ‘I’d rather not’ is not ‘No’. Maybe your spouse think you are okay with plan.

I hear what you’re saying, but even when I very explicitly say “no” there’s still conflict. If I say it down the road they’ll say “why did you change your mind”, if I say it early on they’ll say “why do you hate my parents”, “why is this the hill to die on and can’t we do it their way” , etc.

I feel like livestock walking a very narrow electric fence-lined path. ANY variance from “the correct path” I get shocked and we argue for days. It is emotionally draining and suffocating to feel like you can’t express your preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce. Seriously. It’s not worth it. If you have kids, it will get one million times worse.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things, one it is really helpful for discussions - validate their perspective, some people just cannot hear your point of view until they feel thy have been heard. But you also need to be clearer yourself. Saying ‘I’d rather not’ is not ‘No’. Maybe your spouse think you are okay with plan.

I hear what you’re saying, but even when I very explicitly say “no” there’s still conflict. If I say it down the road they’ll say “why did you change your mind”, if I say it early on they’ll say “why do you hate my parents”, “why is this the hill to die on and can’t we do it their way” , etc.

I feel like livestock walking a very narrow electric fence-lined path. ANY variance from “the correct path” I get shocked and we argue for days. It is emotionally draining and suffocating to feel like you can’t express your preferences.

You should really divorce now.

This is going to be a nightmare if you ever get pregnant and have a baby. It’s not going to get better. I guarantee if you have kids with this guy you will divorce. Find someone else to build a family with. This guy is still building his parents family. Run!

[Anonymous]

Marriage is about compromise. Are you the only one comprising?

[Anonymous]

I have dealt with this and it will get better if you’re both on the same page about the importance of your marriage as the primary relationship in both of your lives and you have a good therapist who has dealt with this before (I suggest a male therapist if your spouse is male.) If not, get out before there are kids because in law problems are exacerbated by children, not resolved by them.

[Anonymous]

It’s not going to change … ever. Telling you from experience. Did you not date long enough to know this?

[Anonymous]

RUN - mom of two grown boys here.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I don’t understand the control thing: is the issue just that they see their parents once a month? What is wrong with that ? If you live close by that’s really not often. I am French, maybe a different culture, but most people I know see their parents once a week. Sunday lunch or dinner is family time. My brothers and SIL who live in Paris see my parents every week.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the responders who are telling you to terminate this marriage before having children. It truly will get so much worse.
BTDT.
My ex began to skew very closely to his parents after marriage. Before marriage this was well masked.
His brother exhibited the same during his relationship & marriage. My ex-SIL and I compared notes after our divorces (we were good girls during our marriages and didn't air our respective laundry to each other).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the responders who are telling you to terminate this marriage before having children. It truly will get so much worse.
BTDT.
My ex began to skew very closely to his parents after marriage. Before marriage this was well masked.
His brother exhibited the same during his relationship & marriage. My ex-SIL and I compared notes after our divorces (we were good girls during our marriages and didn't air our respective laundry to each other).

I forgot to mention, prior to marriage, his parents were his adversaries. During marriage, I became the adversary. His parents were his best friends. They owned every single holiday. My family didn't matter.
Both their boys were financially dependent on the parents (masked prior to marriage). This meant that the wives were financially dependent on the parents too leading to control issues with the ILs.
No thank you.

[Anonymous]

Well, financial dependence changes relationships. If you didn’t know they are dependents, it’s your mistake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 30s and no kids. Married ~3 years. Spouse for our entire marriage has had some serious boundary/control issues with parents which was not great and we ended up seeing a marriage counselor.

To this day, If I ever say “no I’d rather not”, “maybe we can do this instead”, “X came up so maybe we can reschedule” spouse immediately goes into fight or flight mode and becomes argumentative. They talk to parents once a week and we see them once a month or so it’s not like I’m trying to estrange anyone, it’s just they have this need to ensure whatever their parents want happens without any variance or protest. They are never like this with my parents or other friends we socialize with. Many times these arguments last for days.

We are starting with another marriage counselor now but had anyone dealt with this? Does it get better?

To be fair, if you have problem with them talking to their parents once a week and meeting once a month, you need to find orphans.