Has anyone forgive their ILs and how has it worked out?

[Anonymous]

29M, 31F. No kids. Married in December 2019. DW was raised to never question or tell her parents no. I kind of went along with it during dating but it really came to head after we were married and they retired and it got worse. Some examples:

1. Saying unbelievably rude or judgmental things about me, my parents, my brothers to my face or behind our back

2. Second-guessing and meddling in so many big and small decisions we decided on as a married couple that had nothing to do with them. When their passive-aggressive techniques didn't work they would try and successfully trigger DW's anxiety that we were making the wrong decision

3. Visits with them were a nightmare. They never invited us but would passive-aggressively make DW feel bad when we didn't visit "enough", demanded we drive 2.5hrs to them and sleep over for multiple days. Every visit was like adult summer camp where they plan every day from start-to-finish and anyone who deviates slightly was judged for not being "family-oriented"

4. They would not respect boundaries or be flexible on anything. They would rudely tell us what to do and would leave it to DW to say no or stand up to them. As you can imagine she had difficulty with this. As an example there was a time they needed my help with something for their house 4.5 hrs away and the entire thing was planned around what was convenient for my MIL and her haircut appointment.

Starting about 18 months ago we saw 2 different marriage counselors. They both said spouse needs to set boundaries address it directly with her parents. It was rough and we argued A LOT but we're now in a place where DW is willing to stand up to them. Last week DW asked them to apologize for how they've acted the past 2.5 years. They were reluctant to but eventually did.

My question is- DW now wants me to forgive them ASAP and go back to "normal". She already scheduled a visit with them for FIL's birthday in early April. Am I right to ask for a little bit more time and space from them to heal and get over it?

[Anonymous]

DW needs to understand there is no going back to normal and she needs to hold the new boundaries she set, gently but firmly and with love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW needs to understand there is no going back to normal and she needs to hold the new boundaries she set, gently but firmly and with love.

I know the answer will be it depends, but how have couples successfully arrived on what the "new normal" looks like?

I would be fine never interacting with them again but obviously in a marriage that's not realistic and I wouldn't push for that.

DW wants to see them 1-2 times per month for a few days at a time.

1 visit a month? 1 visit every 3 months? Holidays only? Start infrequently and scale up over time if we're both OK with it?

[Anonymous]

I think that's great your DW asked them to apologize. Are the parents asking for forgiveness? If so, consider it. If not, then well, maybe say no, unless they ask for forgiveness. And of course express your doubts about what "normal" is.

I think it's fine to discuss not going, or putting up some boundaries like staying somehwere else while you're there or scheduling your own hair appointment while you're there.

[Anonymous]

I actually think asking for the apology is inappropriate. They only did what they did because your DW allowed it. The apology is just a strawmsn.

Move forward with the new boundaries in place.

[Anonymous]

Are you the poster who constantly complains about his wife's parents. Who picked a fight over funeral arrangements?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW needs to understand there is no going back to normal and she needs to hold the new boundaries she set, gently but firmly and with love.

I know the answer will be it depends, but how have couples successfully arrived on what the "new normal" looks like?

I would be fine never interacting with them again but obviously in a marriage that's not realistic and I wouldn't push for that.

DW wants to see them 1-2 times per month for a few days at a time.

1 visit a month? 1 visit every 3 months? Holidays only? Start infrequently and scale up over time if we're both OK with it?

I'm confused on how far away her parents are: 2.5 or 4.5 based on your OP. Either way, seeing them 1-2 times per month given how far away they are and for a few days at a time is excessive to me especially if they won't come visit you all. You are already resenting this and will just resent it more--you will be giving up half your weekends for people you don't particularly like. God forbid you both have kids at some point--will her parents expect you to forego all of the kids' activities to visit them all the time, too?

OP, do you and your DW have any friends where you live? What do you normally do on your own free time with each other? You all need to find some friends to hang out with and some hobbies and those events will organically eat into IL time/requests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that's great your DW asked them to apologize. Are the parents asking for forgiveness? If so, consider it. If not, then well, maybe say no, unless they ask for forgiveness. And of course express your doubts about what "normal" is.

I think it's fine to discuss not going, or putting up some boundaries like staying somehwere else while you're there or scheduling your own hair appointment while you're there.

They are asking for forgiveness.

It's been difficult because they've acted like this since we started dating 7-8 years ago, the way they'd manipulate and weaponize my wife's anxiety and latent guilt to get their way, and knowing that they're not apologizing or acting differently because they want to be better but because they don't have a choice.

I wish it was different but getting over all that is not just like flipping a light switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW needs to understand there is no going back to normal and she needs to hold the new boundaries she set, gently but firmly and with love.

I know the answer will be it depends, but how have couples successfully arrived on what the "new normal" looks like?

I would be fine never interacting with them again but obviously in a marriage that's not realistic and I wouldn't push for that.

DW wants to see them 1-2 times per month for a few days at a time.

1 visit a month? 1 visit every 3 months? Holidays only? Start infrequently and scale up over time if we're both OK with it?

I'm confused on how far away her parents are: 2.5 or 4.5 based on your OP. Either way, seeing them 1-2 times per month given how far away they are and for a few days at a time is excessive to me especially if they won't come visit you all. You are already resenting this and will just resent it more--you will be giving up half your weekends for people you don't particularly like. God forbid you both have kids at some point--will her parents expect you to forego all of the kids' activities to visit them all the time, too?

OP, do you and your DW have any friends where you live? What do you normally do on your own free time with each other? You all need to find some friends to hang out with and some hobbies and those events will organically eat into IL time/requests.

They moved (first place was 4.5, current is 2.5). We do have a lot of friends but they don't take up our weekends and DW prioritizes family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the poster who constantly complains about his wife's parents. Who picked a fight over funeral arrangements?

No? First time posting here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:29M, 31F. No kids. Married in December 2019. DW was raised to never question or tell her parents no. I kind of went along with it during dating but it really came to head after we were married and they retired and it got worse. Some examples:

1. Saying unbelievably rude or judgmental things about me, my parents, my brothers to my face or behind our back

2. Second-guessing and meddling in so many big and small decisions we decided on as a married couple that had nothing to do with them. When their passive-aggressive techniques didn't work they would try and successfully trigger DW's anxiety that we were making the wrong decision

3. Visits with them were a nightmare. They never invited us but would passive-aggressively make DW feel bad when we didn't visit "enough", demanded we drive 2.5hrs to them and sleep over for multiple days. Every visit was like adult summer camp where they plan every day from start-to-finish and anyone who deviates slightly was judged for not being "family-oriented"

4. They would not respect boundaries or be flexible on anything. They would rudely tell us what to do and would leave it to DW to say no or stand up to them. As you can imagine she had difficulty with this. As an example there was a time they needed my help with something for their house 4.5 hrs away and the entire thing was planned around what was convenient for my MIL and her haircut appointment.

Starting about 18 months ago we saw 2 different marriage counselors. They both said spouse needs to set boundaries address it directly with her parents. It was rough and we argued A LOT but we're now in a place where DW is willing to stand up to them. Last week DW asked them to apologize for how they've acted the past 2.5 years. They were reluctant to but eventually did.

My question is- DW now wants me to forgive them ASAP and go back to "normal". She already scheduled a visit with them for FIL's birthday in early April. Am I right to ask for a little bit more time and space from them to heal and get over it?

You aren’t young and it’s not like you didn’t know them before getting married so your fault in getting involved. That being said, keep it to minimum and then gradually be more accepting if they keep their end of the bargain. Its also good for yours and your wife’s stress level if things are civil and somewhat normal.

[Anonymous]

Imagine a man’s parents doing it all and how would a DIL handle it.

[Anonymous]

Move forward with the new boundaries in place.

Yes. I (wife) moved forward with new boundaries in place with my inlaws, totally supported by my husband. They've been in place for maybe 7 years now. Things are much better than they used to be. My husband and I fully have each other's backs, and most of his siblings are also on board with holding the line. Time to move on and grow from all of that turmoil.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think that's great your DW asked them to apologize. Are the parents asking for forgiveness? If so, consider it. If not, then well, maybe say no, unless they ask for forgiveness. And of course express your doubts about what "normal" is.

I think it's fine to discuss not going, or putting up some boundaries like staying somehwere else while you're there or scheduling your own hair appointment while you're there.

They are asking for forgiveness.

It's been difficult because they've acted like this since we started dating 7-8 years ago, the way they'd manipulate and weaponize my wife's anxiety and latent guilt to get their way, and knowing that they're not apologizing or acting differently because they want to be better but because they don't have a choice.

I wish it was different but getting over all that is not just like flipping a light switch.

Follow your feed wife's lead on this. Don't make more drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Am I right to ask for a little bit more time and space from them to heal and get over it?

Abusive MIL was forgiven for physical abuse (never hit me, but would force me to exacerbate damaged leg leaving me unable to walk for day, tried to make me work on concussion red zone, etc), sexual harassment (grabbing a size 44 underwear [I'm size 0/14kids] and trying to slut-shame me and pretending we were engaging in pre-marital sex [nothing wrong with this, but we were waiting]), emotional abuse (constantly asking me to fix her equipment/help then calling me dumb, heard of hairstyling reputation so had me fix her hair, then refused any holds/rubberbands or clips, then summoned more caretaking only to lie to on the phone about how horrible my hairstyling is, constant slander behind my back. Well you know where it got me--she one day started screaming I should kill myself, and then shortly thereafter someone we knew did. BULLIES know they are immoral and forgiveness empowers them to do it more. You would be totally justified in DIVORCING your wife. She is married to her parents and not you.