When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

I absolutely have a community. It’s simply not built around expecting other women to provide free labor. My relationships are based on friendship and enjoying life. Not providing a babysitting service when someone’s spouse is sick.

I can’t imagine not offering to watch my friend’s kid for an afternoon if I saw him/her struggling. That’s what friendship is about! My friends would do the same. I enjoy life with my friends but I also recognize that sometimes life throws us curveballs, and we support each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

+1
The last two efforts in my neighborhood were organized by men. One was helping a family carry out debris from a house that had a fire. The other was helping to clear the yard of overgrown weeds and trees for a neighbor who is elderly and an invalid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

That's not what I'm talking about either, noticed how I listed many many other things? And this isn't for their own child either. Other dads literally drive my kids around when needed and also watch them and I also return the favor. This isn't 1950 anymore and many dads are very involved in every aspect of raising their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

This. OP - when was the last time you helped someone in a situation like yours? We don't have relatives in DC, but have developed a strong and close network of friends (all in the same boat with no local family). I've made more meals, babysit their kids, been there for health crises, etc for these friends and I know that they will be there for me in a heartbeat if I ask for help. You have to give to receive & build that safety net.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

+1
The last two efforts in my neighborhood were organized by men. One was helping a family carry out debris from a house that had a fire. The other was helping to clear the yard of overgrown weeds and trees for a neighbor who is elderly and an invalid.

I've known a couple of parents pass away unexpectedly in the past year and almost every time it has been a man spearheading the Go Fund Me to raise money for the family. So, maybe not a meal train, but many men are stepping up to help others in their community when needed. Often they are more available to help because their wives work longer or different hours and they are the ones around during the day and I see them rising to the challenge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

That's not what I'm talking about either, noticed how I listed many many other things? And this isn't for their own child either. Other dads literally drive my kids around when needed and also watch them and I also return the favor. This isn't 1950 anymore and many dads are very involved in every aspect of raising their children.

You’re the one narrowly defining a village as childcare. I see it as much more expansive than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

That's not what I'm talking about either, noticed how I listed many many other things? And this isn't for their own child either. Other dads literally drive my kids around when needed and also watch them and I also return the favor. This isn't 1950 anymore and many dads are very involved in every aspect of raising their children.

You’re the one narrowly defining a village as childcare. I see it as much more expansive than that.

I'm providing just a few examples to your sweeping generalizations that men do nothing. Speak for yourself and the type of loser you married.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I’m so sorry. I have been there. I am long accustomed to having no extended family to count on though, and know most of my friends are as busy and overwhelmed as I am. I throw money at it - grocery delivery and a list of babysitters. I also have zero guilt over taking every single hour of sick leave and vacation leave my employer offers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

That's not what I'm talking about either, noticed how I listed many many other things? And this isn't for their own child either. Other dads literally drive my kids around when needed and also watch them and I also return the favor. This isn't 1950 anymore and many dads are very involved in every aspect of raising their children.

You’re the one narrowly defining a village as childcare. I see it as much more expansive than that.

I'm providing just a few examples to your sweeping generalizations that men do nothing. Speak for yourself and the type of loser you married.

Actually I agree with you about the importance of men and just responded to the wrong person. .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you introverted? Or, do you put off a very independent and capable vibe? People might assume you have everything covered. My only advice would be to not be afraid to ask for help if you need help. You say you don’t have a community but do you have any friends? sometimes people think you’re so strong and don’t need help but don’t be afraid to ask. If you ask I’m sure people will step up and help you.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.

What are you talking about? Many men I know are just as helpful as women. They help carpool kids around to school or activities. They help keep an eye on kids that aren't theirs at the park, sporting events, backyards, etc. They volunteer their time in school, clubs, activities, etc. Where are all these useless unhelpful men you know?

That’s not what OP is looking for and not what we are talking about. Yes, many men are involved in their own child’s life and extracurriculars. We are talking about stepping up with free childcare, meal trains etc. Not Saturday soccer games.

That's not what I'm talking about either, noticed how I listed many many other things? And this isn't for their own child either. Other dads literally drive my kids around when needed and also watch them and I also return the favor. This isn't 1950 anymore and many dads are very involved in every aspect of raising their children.

You’re the one narrowly defining a village as childcare. I see it as much more expansive than that.

I'm providing just a few examples to your sweeping generalizations that men do nothing. Speak for yourself and the type of loser you married.

Actually I agree with you about the importance of men and just responded to the wrong person. .

In my experience, dads are a whole different breed than in my own generation. My dad spent most weekends golfing, men today seem much more hands on than ever before. The days of them doing nothing and being checked, not attending their own kids birth, out just don't ring true. I can't be the only one who sees it or lives it. Which includes them being very involved in their community.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you in DC? If you are, your situation is no different from mine or the vast majority of people I know here. No one has family. Everyone is insanely busy. Do you help others? If yes, don’t be afraid to ask them. If you bypass lending a hand to the people around you because you believe you are more burdened than them…then there is a reason people aren’t helping you. It’s you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can pay for help.
I'm single, have no family in the country, and the few friends I have aren't in much position to help with anything. I'm having a lumpectomy and will not be released from hospital unless I have someone to take me home. I'm paying someone to show up and pretend that they're that person.
It is what it is.

Where did you find this person?