When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

+1. Church is how I found my closest mom friends and my kids’ young play mates, the ones who provided that meal train when my infant was sick. It’s also a way for me to give back both to our members (when they need meals for new moms or the elderly), yard clean ups for senior citizens, and to those outside our congregation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

[Anonymous]

Don’t you have SL/fmla? I’m in a job where I only make 60k but if my spouse was bedridden and needed care I could take time off and still get paid. If you can afford private school why can you pay for a sitter? Or cleaning person to come?

[Anonymous]

I think the answer is to burn some leave tine to help you get things under control, throw money at the problem, and ask a specific person for specific help. I am unlikely to offer unsolicited help to another mom that I don’t know well because she might be offended. But, I would almost always say yes if I got an email from another mom saying her husband was sick and she was having trouble figuring out school pick up and asking for help. I would do the school pick up and drop your kids off with a casserole for dinner. You have to invite people in to help. They won’t bust your door down uninvited.

[Anonymous]

I’m really sorry OP. DC is one tough town. I lived there from the ages of 23-33. That was more than enough. While there are some nice people, most are stressed, over-extended themselves, burning the candle at both ends, etc. And these are the nice people. DC (because of the power and influence) also attracts an inordinate amont of psychopaths who have next to zero empathy, see competition in everything and fully embrace the zero sum game of winning at all costs.

If you’ve given the area ten years (as I did) and you have no community, I would seriously consider leaving is at all possible. Otherwise I would just accept that this is the way life will be for you. Maybe this is the wake-up call you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

We are working parents with a couple kids and we have no friends. It’s too hard finding another family where we get along with both spouses and kids. So kids do play dates, but we are too boring for the families we do know (we have invited several over a couples, invited along to activities like museums or skiing), but never reciprocated.

I think family relationships are driven by the mom, and I’m an introvert with a demanding exhausting meeting heavy job so I don’t have time to just do girls lunch or whatever so we aren’t making friends. OP I would not do a block party; friendships are built in small group settings with unstructured time, like meeting for lunch or after yoga. Make that a priority and find your mom friends.

[Anonymous]

We built our community through church and Scouts and disabled groups (one child is disabled).

But before we got any help, we had given a lot. That is how your build community. You put in a lot of work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

+1. Church is how I found my closest mom friends and my kids’ young play mates, the ones who provided that meal train when my infant was sick. It’s also a way for me to give back both to our members (when they need meals for new moms or the elderly), yard clean ups for senior citizens, and to those outside our congregation.

My church organizes meal trains, and I always participate, Many times I have never met the person who I am cooking for, but I do it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m really sorry OP. DC is one tough town. I lived there from the ages of 23-33. That was more than enough. While there are some nice people, most are stressed, over-extended themselves, burning the candle at both ends, etc. And these are the nice people. DC (because of the power and influence) also attracts an inordinate amont of psychopaths who have next to zero empathy, see competition in everything and fully embrace the zero sum game of winning at all costs.

If you’ve given the area ten years (as I did) and you have no community, I would seriously consider leaving is at all possible. Otherwise I would just accept that this is the way life will be for you. Maybe this is the wake-up call you need.

This is true. And even though the true psychos are relatively few, their ethos rubs off on others who, in a place with more community-minded people, would likely follow the pack to bring kinder and more supportive.

I still live in DC but learned after a crisis 5 years ago that I will never be able to lean on my support network here for that kind of help. Finding a job, organizing an event, starting a business? People will show up for that because it Carrie’s status in this town and it’s the kind of help they also hope to obtain. But personal care work? People here don’t respect it and don’t do it unless they have to. They hire nannies and house cleaners and get groceries delivered and do take out, and they assume others can afford to do the same (people here are very ignorant about what it is to have limited funds for things like this, I think because so many have family support to help with that).

The black communities in DC are different but among the white peoples I know here (I am white) the expectation is that you will sort out your personal issues yourself.

[Anonymous]

I’m a single mom so I just do the work of two parents all the time. As others have said, throw money at the problem. I’ve been ill myself and people don’t offer to do much, I have close friends but it just doesn’t occur to them because they’re so busy with their lives. I’ve leaned on my church a few times when desperate, but it was more emotional support than actual help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Make a village. I had to when I moved across the country knowing no one. You put yourself in this position.

Op indicated she tried, but it did not work. Can you give example of how to make a village?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

Not always. I thought we had built up community in our Congregation and among friends. I taught RE for 15 years, DH and I were on committees and even chaired some. We participated in food trains and other things people needed through our Congregation, neighborhood, school communities. But when the time came when we needed extra help and asked for it, nada from our congregation community. It was really eye opening.

I pulled way back and our circle is much much smaller, but I know who will be there in a pinch. I now have two or three people I could call in a pinch, but it took thirty years to get here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We built our community through church and Scouts and disabled groups (one child is disabled).

But before we got any help, we had given a lot. That is how your build community. You put in a lot of work.

I am glad that worked for you. We did similar. It ended up not working.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire help. This is how most people handle these situations without friends and family nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

+1. Church is how I found my closest mom friends and my kids’ young play mates, the ones who provided that meal train when my infant was sick. It’s also a way for me to give back both to our members (when they need meals for new moms or the elderly), yard clean ups for senior citizens, and to those outside our congregation.

+2. Church communities often provide the support which OP is looking for. I have attended churches where they help people with a connection to the church in addition to members. My experience is limited to Christian churches, I can’t speak to other faith-based organizations if OP is of another religion.