When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

The way you cultivate village is to BE the village for other people.

So. When you have heard of neighbors being sick, have you done anything for them? Offered help? Watched their kids? Picked them up groceries?

I have neighbors who all do this. But you get into a group like this by being proactive when other people need help. Then when you need help, you know you can reach out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

I absolutely have a community. It’s simply not built around expecting other women to provide free labor. My relationships are based on friendship and enjoying life. Not providing a babysitting service when someone’s spouse is sick.

[Anonymous]

You need to hire help if you need it.

Honestly, if not one person offered to bring you a meal, I’d look into switching schools.

[Anonymous]

Single mom with no family in this area or even in this country. We make it work. Just work hard. Hustle. Be organized. It's all possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

+1
OP if you can pay for private school, you can surely pay for a couple of days outsourcing meals, after school care, etc.
Also I don't understand what is the exact scenario OP is imagining. If you're busy with work and kids at home, wouldn't you expect other parents near you to be in a similar situation? If not then I have to say, you are just looking to exploit SAHMs in the neighborhood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry. That sounds tough and scary. We also live far from family. It’s challenging. My advice is to find opportunities where you can support your community (meal trains for others, volunteer clean up days, etc) and maybe the support will find it’s way back to you.

I've never found this to be true. There have always been people around who help and everyone else takes advantage of it. Moms used to talk about that in my neighborhood. No one did much for a family in this situation. People were helpful if someone had surgery and was hospitalized but not in op's situation. Maybe if op asked for help directly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently my DH experienced a serious but short illness (not Covid). He was out of work for two weeks, and couldn't do much other than lay in bed and take meds for the pain. During that time I did everything for the household (plus work full-time). We have no local family and no village. It made me realize how terrifying this experience was to have no backup help at all. In the past there was one time when the kids and I all had the flu, and DH couldn't take any time off work to help out at home, and that was really tough, but this also felt incredibly difficult and incredibly lonely. I did mention DH's illness and how overwhelmed I felt managing everything to a few friends, none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.

Despite having young kids, joining mom's groups, living in our neighborhood for over 10 years, and the kids attending a small private school that claims to have a close-knit community, I don't feel like we have any kind of village. I am terrified of something like this happening again. I've tried my hardest to create a village and I have had no success. Our families live far away and can't fly in to help, and we also have small families who are not really involved. What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

Wait until you have three children with measles husband is out of country. I didn't have time to whine so I took care of them, plus house. I was a SAHM with no help. You are a grown woman with extra income. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to hire help if you need it.

Honestly, if not one person offered to bring you a meal, I’d look into switching schools.

I would take a good look at.myself and ask why no one wants to help me. Maybe it's because I've never offered help to my friends and neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

+1. Church is how I found my closest mom friends and my kids’ young play mates, the ones who provided that meal train when my infant was sick. It’s also a way for me to give back both to our members (when they need meals for new moms or the elderly), yard clean ups for senior citizens, and to those outside our congregation.

+2. Church communities often provide the support which OP is looking for. I have attended churches where they help people with a connection to the church in addition to members. My experience is limited to Christian churches, I can’t speak to other faith-based organizations if OP is of another religion.

NP here and another vote for church. We are Episcopalian and fellowship to us is very important. Supporting one another, celebrating each other and not so much bible studies. I am on the meal train committee for over a decade and I usually am making meals for people I don’t know. When a woman had to go on extreme bed rest for a pregnancy we organized not only the meal train but an activity train for her children. When someone’s husband died suddenly we organized meals, activities, clothes, etc. We also have regular family dinner nights, groups for moms, groups for people without kids, singles groups, teen groups, etc

There is overlap with the people from church and now the people in our neighborhood, families on sports teams and kids in our schools. We have built a nice community that way. I definitely think people need to give church a second thought. There are many different types of congregations.

[Anonymous]

Um we live near family and they are no help, but they have no qualms asking for our help. You can hire a village. Enjoy your friends. I nursed my husband back to health over several months with no help and an elderly parent throwing fits because we weren't paying attention to heeeeeeeeer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Is he a gay man? Because my DH stayed home for a spell and found he was not welcome in moms outings or hanging out with play dates. They always called or emailed me, and he was never invited to social things that build that village and when we invited kids over they moms never came into when he invited the for coffee while the kids played.