When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

Recently my DH experienced a serious but short illness (not Covid). He was out of work for two weeks, and couldn't do much other than lay in bed and take meds for the pain. During that time I did everything for the household (plus work full-time). We have no local family and no village. It made me realize how terrifying this experience was to have no backup help at all. In the past there was one time when the kids and I all had the flu, and DH couldn't take any time off work to help out at home, and that was really tough, but this also felt incredibly difficult and incredibly lonely. I did mention DH's illness and how overwhelmed I felt managing everything to a few friends, none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.

Despite having young kids, joining mom's groups, living in our neighborhood for over 10 years, and the kids attending a small private school that claims to have a close-knit community, I don't feel like we have any kind of village. I am terrified of something like this happening again. I've tried my hardest to create a village and I have had no success. Our families live far away and can't fly in to help, and we also have small families who are not really involved. What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

[Anonymous]

I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Make a village. I had to when I moved across the country knowing no one. You put yourself in this position.

[Anonymous]

I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

[Anonymous]

Sorry. That sounds tough and scary. We also live far from family. It’s challenging. My advice is to find opportunities where you can support your community (meal trains for others, volunteer clean up days, etc) and maybe the support will find it’s way back to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

Where are you from PP?

[Anonymous]

Health crises are clarifying moments OP - I bet some of the snotty responses you're getting are from people who haven't BTDT. We don't have a village or local family - we got through one tough time with some paid help, and mostly we just work really hard at juggling. That's life.

One thing I'd suggest, if you want to ease your burden a little, is to get used to asking for help. Very very few people will offer unsolicited or just show up. You either have to reach out and ask specific people to do specific things, or you have to be comfortable with, forgive me the obnoxious phrase, pimping your needs a bit - do the FB pity post. I couldn't bring myself to do that, but I notice I'm also the WOHM who's constantly shuttling the kids of my SAHM neighbors to activities. Why? Because they ask, and I don't. So make a point to ask, not just when you need help but when you want it.

[Anonymous]

Society has moved away from church but oftentimes a church community really steps up at times like OP is describing.

[Anonymous]

What’s your background? Did you grow up middle or working class?

If you’re in private school, your circle is probably full of rich people. Rich people don’t do meal trains. They order takeout delivery or get a personal chef to drop off meals. Rich people are used to paying people to do things for them, and thus they are less likely to do things like drop off meals or come sit for their friends They expect you to hire a babysitter or a nurse instead.

[Anonymous]

A lot falls on you, Op. You must be strong and courageous.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I don't know a single person that has family support in this area. Myself included. My in laws retired but literally anything is more important than helping us. My parents still work so can't help.

[Anonymous]

My husband was laid up in bed for a month a couple of years ago and I struggled through it. Looking back, I can’t figure why I didn’t take a couple of hours or sick leave per day to make things easier to take care of him and kids. It was really hard!

[Anonymous]

I have had this situation OP - we have no local family, but we do have friends willing to help in the form of neighbors. I’ve found that my friends with small kids are all dealing with their own chaos and aren’t always paying attention to when friends need help. Older neighbors with kids who are high school or college aged remember this time and how they could have used help.

I would recommend getting involved in your neighborhood and then for times when you need support, call your far flung friends/family to talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Health crises are clarifying moments OP - I bet some of the snotty responses you're getting are from people who haven't BTDT. We don't have a village or local family - we got through one tough time with some paid help, and mostly we just work really hard at juggling. That's life.

One thing I'd suggest, if you want to ease your burden a little, is to get used to asking for help. Very very few people will offer unsolicited or just show up. You either have to reach out and ask specific people to do specific things, or you have to be comfortable with, forgive me the obnoxious phrase, pimping your needs a bit - do the FB pity post. I couldn't bring myself to do that, but I notice I'm also the WOHM who's constantly shuttling the kids of my SAHM neighbors to activities. Why? Because they ask, and I don't. So make a point to ask, not just when you need help but when you want it.

Barf. Don’t do this.

Your husband was sick for two weeks. He didn’t have cancer or a quadruple bypass. Suck it up.

[Anonymous]

I think the way you build a village is to be a part of it for other people. It helps if you already have some common ground — such as church membership, or some natural connections to build on. Ask yourself if you have done for others things that are similar to what you need. If you have, then those might be people that you can be comfortable asking for specific things. People like this will usually be happy to help out once they know what you need. If you haven’t done these things, OP, then I’d like to know more about what you’ve tried to do to build your village. Maybe, as a PP said, you’re expecting help from people who typically don’t even do their own grocery shopping or cooking.