When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

It takes effort and discernment. We're friends with several neighborhood families. One is flaky and mercurial, while others are solid and dependable. I'm focusing my energy on the solid families and invite them to activities with us. Our friend group is like this too. There are always takers in a group, and then there are the ones who're salt of the earth types. Oftentimes the less dependable ones are more fun and exciting, but you know they're only fair weather friends. Cultivate your connections with good solid people. They're out there.

[Anonymous]

You can pay for help.
I'm single, have no family in the country, and the few friends I have aren't in much position to help with anything. I'm having a lumpectomy and will not be released from hospital unless I have someone to take me home. I'm paying someone to show up and pretend that they're that person.
It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

The village is from a time when women couldn’t have decent paying jobs outside of the home. Women had to rely on each other since they didn’t have the resources to pay for care. So much of the labor market depended on exploiting female labor.

I have a good paying job and do not need to rely on another woman’s free labor to live my life. I think this is a good thing. I don’t want to cook, clean and provide babysitting to other families. I don’t want for anyone to expect this of me. No man would expect my husband to come mow his lawn and I don’t want to be expected to watch your kids.

If you want the kind of environment where you are expected to be part of a village , then you need to move somewhere women aren’t working outside of the house 40 hours a week. Or live with extended family, join a tight nit church community. Living in the DC area is not conducive to this. Many women have solid careers and aren’t interested in providing you with free babysitting.

[Anonymous]

OP don’t listen to these people blaming you for not giving enough, or not being the right kind of person. It’s not about that. I’ve had friendships where I gave a lot, checked in when they were ill, babysat so they could have a night out, started a meal train for them, etc., and they bailed on me when I needed help. I’ve also had people help me out if the blue even though they barely knew me. It’s not a 1:1. Some people are generous, some are not. Some people will only help if it serves them in some way. Others help out if the goodness of their hearts.

It is hard and PPs are right that often the problem is that your friends are also overstretched and tired.

One thing I recommend is making friends with people in different walks of life. I don’t lean on fellow parents with young kids. I lean on my neighbors with no kids, or the older woman I used to work with, or the lady in my neighborhood who organizes clean ups I go to. And I help them out to, in different ways— I watch pets and check on plants when they travel, offer to pick up groceries or give a lift to someone without a car, invite people for dinner or brunch if I sense they might enjoy a meal with young kids.

This is what church offers that can be hard to build elsewhere— a diverse group of people who all bring something different to the table. If you only have friends who are just like you, you will all need the same things and the stuff you have to offer won’t be needed.

[Anonymous]

I think OP posted then ghosted but just wanted to ask her to elaborate on this: "I've tried my hardest to create a village and I have had no success."

What have you done over the last decade to create your village. That might give us ideas on how to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

Recently, a guy in my games group needed a ride home (Uber not allowed) to have an endo/colonoscopy. He asked everyone in the group for weeks. Finally I asked him if I asked him to take off time during the workweek to drive four hours would he do it for me? He blatantly didn't agree. He again pressured me to give him a ride and again I asked if he'd do it for me, explaining how difficult and expensive it would be for me. He again didn't agree but had his nurse pressure me to come pick him up. Finally, I caved my husband convinced me to help him in spite of what kind of person he was. He brags about being so rich he is Santa for his family, his fancy place, his $K lego collection, and his new cushy cleared job at Microsoft. He had me drive hours in rush hour. He didn't even offer gas money. At our next games meeting he was rude asking is anyone here other than {me}. He makes comments about how attractive people have bad personalities. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have a wife yet (at 31).

OP, I am point-blank asking you dead seriously to be my village. WOULD YOU TAKE 1-DAY LEAVE TO GIVE ME A RIDE DURING THE WORKWEEK? Would you bring me food and help if my husband was sick?

[Anonymous]

OP, consider that maybe going the "small" your with private school etc... hasn't worked.

Have you thought about going to bigger environments with more people? Send the kids to the big public school and both you and they have a lot more potential friends to make. A much larger PTA, much bigger school events with people you might click with? This is a hard area to make friends in, but it's even harder when you are limiting yourself to a small environment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

Recently, a guy in my games group needed a ride home (Uber not allowed) to have an endo/colonoscopy. He asked everyone in the group for weeks. Finally I asked him if I asked him to take off time during the workweek to drive four hours would he do it for me? He blatantly didn't agree. He again pressured me to give him a ride and again I asked if he'd do it for me, explaining how difficult and expensive it would be for me. He again didn't agree but had his nurse pressure me to come pick him up. Finally, I caved my husband convinced me to help him in spite of what kind of person he was. He brags about being so rich he is Santa for his family, his fancy place, his $K lego collection, and his new cushy cleared job at Microsoft. He had me drive hours in rush hour. He didn't even offer gas money. At our next games meeting he was rude asking is anyone here other than {me}. He makes comments about how attractive people have bad personalities. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have a wife yet (at 31).

OP, I am point-blank asking you dead seriously to be my village. WOULD YOU TAKE 1-DAY LEAVE TO GIVE ME A RIDE DURING THE WORKWEEK? Would you bring me food and help if my husband was sick?

Well then you need a new village and husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

It may not be obvious to you so I'll say it: you are a raging a-hole of the first order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

I absolutely have a community. It’s simply not built around expecting other women to provide free labor. My relationships are based on friendship and enjoying life. Not providing a babysitting service when someone’s spouse is sick.

Agreed. I've only lived in this area for less than two years and have built a circle based on career interests, hosting playdates and dinners, joining the HOA to plan neighborhood events, hosting book club, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

I absolutely have a community. It’s simply not built around expecting other women to provide free labor. My relationships are based on friendship and enjoying life. Not providing a babysitting service when someone’s spouse is sick.

Agreed. I've only lived in this area for less than two years and have built a circle based on career interests, hosting playdates and dinners, joining the HOA to plan neighborhood events, hosting book club, etc.

Same. But my group of mom friends would step up and cook a meal or take the kids in an emergency. In fact we all have several times over the last couple years. We all have busy jobs but are also humans and want to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

Recently, a guy in my games group needed a ride home (Uber not allowed) to have an endo/colonoscopy. He asked everyone in the group for weeks. Finally I asked him if I asked him to take off time during the workweek to drive four hours would he do it for me? He blatantly didn't agree. He again pressured me to give him a ride and again I asked if he'd do it for me, explaining how difficult and expensive it would be for me. He again didn't agree but had his nurse pressure me to come pick him up. Finally, I caved my husband convinced me to help him in spite of what kind of person he was. He brags about being so rich he is Santa for his family, his fancy place, his $K lego collection, and his new cushy cleared job at Microsoft. He had me drive hours in rush hour. He didn't even offer gas money. At our next games meeting he was rude asking is anyone here other than {me}. He makes comments about how attractive people have bad personalities. He doesn't understand why he doesn't have a wife yet (at 31).

OP, I am point-blank asking you dead seriously to be my village. WOULD YOU TAKE 1-DAY LEAVE TO GIVE ME A RIDE DURING THE WORKWEEK? Would you bring me food and help if my husband was sick?

Well then you need a new village and husband

Why do I need a new husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What’s your background? Did you grow up middle or working class?

If you’re in private school, your circle is probably full of rich people. Rich people don’t do meal trains. They order takeout delivery or get a personal chef to drop off meals. Rich people are used to paying people to do things for them, and thus they are less likely to do things like drop off meals or come sit for their friends They expect you to hire a babysitter or a nurse instead.

I have offered to provide meals to people and been turned down, been told they would just order out - these were NOT wealthy people - comfortable middle class.

I sympathize OP - I don’t have local family or a village - we tend to hire people to do things in lieu of family or friends - and that has worked out OK. I think for me it is the psychological feeling of being alone that is the hard thing.

I bet they still remembered that you offered and it meant a lot to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

Because most of the “village” expectations are on women. Most men are working outside of the home and not home to provide childcare. Most men don’t even take leave for the birth of their own kids….you think the average man is going to step up for someone else’s family? It’s disingenuous to act as though caregiving and village expectations are also on men.

Building a village isn’t just about child caregiving and isn’t just about traditionally female associated tasks. It’s about meal trains (my husband is the one that cooks for ours!), and neighborliness like helping with a tree that fell in the yard or picking up the mail if you had to leave town unexpectedly or driving out to you when you need someone to help jump start your car. Building a village involves a community of helpers and friendship and that includes both sexes for a lot of us.

Yeah no. A village = women providing their labor. Men helping organize meal trains? C’mon. Most men don’t even take off more than a week or two for the birth or their own child. Men aren’t organizing meal trains.