When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

You need to join a church

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We built our community through church and Scouts and disabled groups (one child is disabled).

But before we got any help, we had given a lot. That is how your build community. You put in a lot of work.

I am glad that worked for you. We did similar. It ended up not working.

Same.

[Anonymous]

Let’s be realistic here. We’ve been meal providers for those in need. They were dying of various cancers. They are not going to be our village in return.
Being the village doesn’t necessarily get you a village.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can pay for help.
I'm single, have no family in the country, and the few friends I have aren't in much position to help with anything. I'm having a lumpectomy and will not be released from hospital unless I have someone to take me home. I'm paying someone to show up and pretend that they're that person.
It is what it is.

Where did you find this person?

TaskRabbit or Handy probably

- DP

[Anonymous]

OP, I am sorry you are going through this. I don't think people have have family nearby realize how lucky they really are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s be realistic here. We’ve been meal providers for those in need. They were dying of various cancers. They are not going to be our village in return.
Being the village doesn’t necessarily get you a village.

Sadly learned this the hard way, recently.

[Anonymous]

Um hello, I have family near by and you seem to have some idealized vision of this. My parents saw us as their "village" but they certainly haven't been a village in return. With aging it turned into a living hell because they seemed to think we could help them age in place. Mom has turned into a rage filled tantrummer. Yes, please tell me all about this village you envision.

I have helped many friends over the years and I do it when I can handle it because I care, not because I expect anything in return. Many have since moved anyway. We are fully prepared to hire help as we need it in emergencies. I have no interest in taking advantage of friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um hello, I have family near by and you seem to have some idealized vision of this. My parents saw us as their "village" but they certainly haven't been a village in return. With aging it turned into a living hell because they seemed to think we could help them age in place. Mom has turned into a rage filled tantrummer. Yes, please tell me all about this village you envision.

I have helped many friends over the years and I do it when I can handle it because I care, not because I expect anything in return. Many have since moved anyway. We are fully prepared to hire help as we need it in emergencies. I have no interest in taking advantage of friends.

I agree not everyone with family nearby has helpful family. But I do know of an example in my neighborhood - neighbor A literally has helpful family living on the same street, and neighbor B literally has no helpful family nearby. Neighbor B pays a high hourly rate, with required minimum hours, for an experienced nanny. Neighbor B only had so many kids, because they knew they had no helpful family nearby. Neighbor B also made many, many sacrifices to make the experienced nanny happen. Neighbor A actually tried to poach neighbor B's nanny, and for less of an hourly rate. Of course, the nanny told Neighbor B - what else did neighbor A expect? Not saying you are low like this, just saying it happens. Neighbor A is spoiled and ungrateful, so OP should be aware of the weird instances that do actually occur. Having your cake, eating it too, then stealing your neighbor's cake? Not cool.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

+1
You can't claim that you're SO BUSY all the time, and then expect others to be there for you when you need it. A lot of people talk about villages only when they need help; it doesn't work that way.

Right. And many women aren’t interested in providing free labor to other families. I’d rather hire help when I need it. I don’t want other people relying on me for childcare, household chores, etc. I’ve worked very hard to get where I am in life and uninterested in providing free babysitting.

That's absolutely your choice. But then don't spend time wondering why you don't have a community or a village. You choose transactional relationships to solve this problem. Completely valid. But it's much less personal, which has downsides socially.

I absolutely have a community. It’s simply not built around expecting other women to provide free labor. My relationships are based on friendship and enjoying life. Not providing a babysitting service when someone’s spouse is sick.

Agreed. I've only lived in this area for less than two years and have built a circle based on career interests, hosting playdates and dinners, joining the HOA to plan neighborhood events, hosting book club, etc.

Same. But my group of mom friends would step up and cook a meal or take the kids in an emergency. In fact we all have several times over the last couple years. We all have busy jobs but are also humans and want to help.

I was responding to a PP who said that because people that don't build relationships based on offering free babysitting are "transactional" and don't have a village. I was giving an example of how that's not always the case. Most of my neighbors/friends have nannies/use babysitters/have family around and work. So it rarely comes up that someone needs emergency babysitting. And if they do they often just need the number or contact of a new babysitter which people are happy to share and chime in. My friendships have been built on spending time on all the other stuff. By choosing paid childcare I'm not avoiding building personal relationships. I do make an effort to talk to people at pick-up and drop-off, volunteer for the classroom, host playdates (we're having a couple of families over for pizza tomorrow from my son's daycare), host book club, etc.

[Anonymous]

Hire help. Have used Care.com for short notice help and it's worked out well.

[Anonymous]

Building a village is more labor, usually added to the woman’s plate, while she’s already working, caring for kids and the home.

I have family locally and a few friends that I trust and help and vice versa. It’s a lot more than many have.

I wish I had a solution OP, but this is what our capitalist overlords want, so there it is. Go Fund Me works for some, but most campaigns are not successful. Basically you have to hope your story catches on via social media. I think that’s gross.

[Anonymous]

I've been in this boat and known other moms in this boat.

My advice is that you cannot expect your neighbors to do anything for you. Whatever they do is done out of the kindness of their heart. This is why it's important to develop a safety net of paid help on standby.

What I experienced with other neighbor moms in this boat (no local family or many friends) is that they began to look to me as a source of free babysitting outside of emergencies. I was being taken advantage of and said no.

The hard truth is that most neighbors don't to be on the hook for your problems, because they have their own life and their own problems. You're gonna have to pay actually money for the help. Ask who other people use for paid babysitting and paid spot help (deliveries, etc.). Then get your wallet.

[Anonymous]

Its tough not having family or close friends around but every choice has its consequences.

[Anonymous]

As someone who has lived most adult life away from birth family and ILs, it’s tough but you avoid lots of drama and learn to be self-reliant. Just because I have friends and neighbors and co-workers who care and would help, doesn’t mean we burden them when we can manage on our own.

[Anonymous]

OP, you don’t know what other people have going on in their own lives. You had two rough weeks. In the grand scheme of things, that’s nothing. So, you quietly dropping passive hints in hope that someone offers to bring over dinner is a bit much. I’ve found people are more sympathetic when it’s a long term issue that upends the household indefinitely: mom had a stroke; there is a child with cancer in the house, etc. Presumably if you both work full time, you already have childcare lined up.