When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

I ended up hiring my own village, OP.

[Anonymous]

Church?

Also, this is what spouses are for. And "can't take off work" doesn't cut it if your spouse is truly ill.

[Anonymous]

This is one reason why we are in the suburbs. My DH does have family here but they are very spread out and not close enough to help during weekdays. I have a chronic pain issue where I used to be down for the count quite a bit. What saves me is that we live in a quiet, safe suburb where kids can walk to school (ES - HS). When we're in need (walk to/from school, watch kids for a few hours) our neighbors pitch in, and we reciprocate quite frequently.

We had applied to private school last year but ultimately turned down spot because of the benefits of living so close to public and other school families/friends. It has actually been a life saver for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Recently my DH experienced a serious but short illness (not Covid). He was out of work for two weeks, and couldn't do much other than lay in bed and take meds for the pain. During that time I did everything for the household (plus work full-time). We have no local family and no village. It made me realize how terrifying this experience was to have no backup help at all. In the past there was one time when the kids and I all had the flu, and DH couldn't take any time off work to help out at home, and that was really tough, but this also felt incredibly difficult and incredibly lonely. I did mention DH's illness and how overwhelmed I felt managing everything to a few friends, none of whom offered to help or bring a meal.

Despite having young kids, joining mom's groups, living in our neighborhood for over 10 years, and the kids attending a small private school that claims to have a close-knit community, I don't feel like we have any kind of village. I am terrified of something like this happening again. I've tried my hardest to create a village and I have had no success. Our families live far away and can't fly in to help, and we also have small families who are not really involved. What do you all do who have no local family and no village when a difficult health situation occurs and you have no backup help and no support? I feel like the lack of support/loneliness was just as bad as not having any practical backup help.

I feel your paint. Its tough not having a local support system. There are few ways to handle it.

1. Move near family and friends.
2. Build a local network.
3. Hire help.
4. One spouse becomes full or part time SAHP so juggling life is easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What’s your background? Did you grow up middle or working class?

If you’re in private school, your circle is probably full of rich people. Rich people don’t do meal trains. They order takeout delivery or get a personal chef to drop off meals. Rich people are used to paying people to do things for them, and thus they are less likely to do things like drop off meals or come sit for their friends They expect you to hire a babysitter or a nurse instead.

I have offered to provide meals to people and been turned down, been told they would just order out - these were NOT wealthy people - comfortable middle class.

I sympathize OP - I don’t have local family or a village - we tend to hire people to do things in lieu of family or friends - and that has worked out OK. I think for me it is the psychological feeling of being alone that is the hard thing.

[Anonymous]

Are you introverted? Or, do you put off a very independent and capable vibe? People might assume you have everything covered. My only advice would be to not be afraid to ask for help if you need help. You say you don’t have a community but do you have any friends? sometimes people think you’re so strong and don’t need help but don’t be afraid to ask. If you ask I’m sure people will step up and help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

We are working parents with a couple kids and we have no friends. It’s too hard finding another family where we get along with both spouses and kids. So kids do play dates, but we are too boring for the families we do know (we have invited several over a couples, invited along to activities like museums or skiing), but never reciprocated.

I think family relationships are driven by the mom, and I’m an introvert with a demanding exhausting meeting heavy job so I don’t have time to just do girls lunch or whatever so we aren’t making friends. OP I would not do a block party; friendships are built in small group settings with unstructured time, like meeting for lunch or after yoga. Make that a priority and find your mom friends.

Block parties are great for getting to know your neighbors and those are exactly the people who will do things like check in when you are on vacation to see if you left your garage door open, help you track down the dog that got lose, participate in a local meal train. When you are building a network of helpers, a village, you don’t have to restrict yourself to the type of mom friends you practice yoga with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

And yet, many people in the DC area do have these connections. If you don’t have the time to invest, then don’t expect to get it back.

Again, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am not in your situation exactly because although we don't live near any family, we've created a robust village, but I do have three suggestions for you if I may.

For whatever reason, you have not connected with people despite living there ten years. In some way, your personality or your lifestyle or SOMETHING makes people not feel close to you. So what I suggest, is hire a part time after school nanny who will facilitate friendships. Nannies are friends with each other and they get "their" kids together.

My other suggestion is, check your communication. Make sure you're asking for what you need. If you're just like "Yeah Phil is sick and I have a huge presentation tomorrow and my kids are bouncing off the walls" you're not saying you need help. If you said that to me I'd just be like "yeah being a busy working mom is hard and chaotic." But if you posted on Facebook "So, Phil has been sick in bed over a week and I've been working until past midnight each night and don't even have time to go food shopping - can anyone help by dropping off some things tomorrow?," then someone could say "Hey I'm going food shopping tomorrow - text me the top ten things you need and I'll send my husband to drop them off tomorrow night."

Lastly, throw money at the problem. Hire someone to watch the kids for two hours a day, hire a cleaning person twice a month, etc.

I’m sorry but I do have to agree with this. For whatever reason, the connections that you have made in your community appear to be only skin deep, and this is something to evaluate. Have you been the kind of friend you are looking to have? And are they really the type of friends you are hoping to have? Expand your network. Host a neighborhood block party, join a local charitable organization. It’s going to take an investment if you want to get that sort of quality connection back.

And yes, you’re going to have to hire help if you don’t have that network.

I disagree. I’m similar to OP and have lived in my area for over 10 years also. The DC area makes it particularly hard to make lasting connections. We have made several friends over the years and most of them have ended up moving away. I don’t have time between working, household chores, child activities to go out and seek lots of new friendships. Also most of the families we do know have 2 working parents and don’t have a lot of extra time.
As for religious organizations, that only works if the family is religious. I can’t pretend to believe in something just to help build a community for myself.

Well of course, but maybe OP is.

[Anonymous]

Hire help

Use takeout and/or grocery delivery

If kids are old enough to help, they help with laundry/cleaning or you relax a bit or take time off from work if you can swing it.


Family/friends are often not the help you think they are, OP. You are idealizing/fantasizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

[Anonymous]

I'm with the others who recommend straight up asking people for help. If you've been in a place for 10 years and have tried building friendships/a network, then it is very likely that you *do* have a village -- it's just that that the village doesn't know that you need help. Just make your need known, and people will come.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd buck up. Americans are so weak.

Your husband was bed-ridden. Not even hospitalized. Meanwhile you want a meal-train and someone else to watch your kids? Use your income, the one that pays for private school, to hire a babysitter.

This. Seriously just hire a babysitter. Stop trying to get other women to provide you with unpaid labor. I’m personally glad there is no expectation on me to watch neighborhood kids for free. I earn an income and can hire someone if I need help. Stop trying to exploit women.

Why are you discounting men? One of the best members of our “village” is a man - dependable, helpful, caring. We help him out and he helps us too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think the way you build a village is to be a part of it for other people. It helps if you already have some common ground — such as church membership, or some natural connections to build on. Ask yourself if you have done for others things that are similar to what you need. If you have, then those might be people that you can be comfortable asking for specific things. People like this will usually be happy to help out once they know what you need. If you haven’t done these things, OP, then I’d like to know more about what you’ve tried to do to build your village. Maybe, as a PP said, you’re expecting help from people who typically don’t even do their own grocery shopping or cooking.

+1

You build a village by offering others hospitality, by helping others when they are in need, by fostering relationships with those in your community. You have to build it before you are in need.