When you have no local family and no village

[Anonymous]

When I needed help last year, I reached out to families I didn't know well but where I thought the moms seemed really nice and asked them for help. It was really hard, but they were all so kind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP don’t listen to these people blaming you for not giving enough, or not being the right kind of person. It’s not about that. I’ve had friendships where I gave a lot, checked in when they were ill, babysat so they could have a night out, started a meal train for them, etc., and they bailed on me when I needed help. I’ve also had people help me out if the blue even though they barely knew me. It’s not a 1:1. Some people are generous, some are not. Some people will only help if it serves them in some way. Others help out if the goodness of their hearts.

This 100%. I call/text everyone to check in and see how people are doing when they are having difficult times or just because. Rarely do people reciprocate. It is definitely not a 1:1. Give what you can when you can out of the kindness of your heart not expecting anything in return. Maybe you'll find others willing to do the same for you.

[Anonymous]

You don't have to be local to be a leech. On DH's side, one SAHM wants us to look after her kids for a week (and they are from out of state!) and she harasses me on Facebook to support her small business. She's also harrassed us about coming out to do an intervention for her alcoholic husband. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I went through that, OP. Our families live on different continents.

What you do is you go into survival mode. It's hard. But we're not as badly off as Syrian refugees drowning in the Mediterranean, or Ukrainian martyrs in Mariupol, are we? Heck, we shouldn't be talking about our problems, serious though they are, in the same sentence!!!

Little by little, we made a small circle of very good friends, who have become our second family. It took many years, but it happened. It will happen to you, OP. Stay strong.

[Anonymous]

You cannot control or force people to reciprocate. You either pay for help or don't. Don't whine about not being able to exploit people.

[Anonymous]

OPI totally understand your stress and worry OP I totally understand your stress and concern.
HOWEVER, PR-COVID my spouse was down for two weeks with a very bad case of the flu, as in had to be helped to the bathroom. It was inconvenient and a bit stressful at times but I did fine with no help and I kept the rest of us from getting g the flu.
My spouse travels for work, so there are times I’m solo for a week or more at a time.
Exactly what do you need help with?
Single parents do it everyday. Tho I’m sure it is tiring.
Be the village you want, start by helping someone else out.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,
I'm a SAHM and so have more flexibility than you, and I understand the difficulty of not having a village, or help, or even a small amount of it every so often. I'm in a luckier position than you with respect to these things, but I also feel the lack without hiring help. I think that people scolding you as though you said something unreasonable are completely off-base and don't agree with them.

The secret sauce is of course paid help. And while for enough money you absolutely can find someone last minute via FB groups, sitter-city, etc. (I've done it), it's not sustainable and not great if one of you isn't home to keep an eye on things (even while doing other stuff). And even if part-time, it should be consistent enough that they prioritize you, and you might need to have low standards if it's for a short time and not often. A local high school student can be an option.

In terms of building a village: if you don't have an organic social group where you feel comfortable - maybe church, hobby group, etc. is not your thing and you're not a joiner - then you have to do it through individuals. So many people are lonely and secretly wish to have someone they can just call on a slow day to hang out. Moreover, while some moms DO do this weird freeze out, most are just talking to who they know - they're not deliberately trying to exclude anyone in particular or you specifically. I think your best bet is seeking out other loners in the groups you frequent, striking up conversations, exchanging info and finding ways to hang out with just them for play dates - and make sure you can make time for this and be willing to drive farther and bring snacks. Eventually when you're friends (even if not bosom friends, but you can text each other regularly and it's not weird, and do last-minute meetups), you can suggest a babysitting swap, being willing to go first of course, for an hour or two. If your kids are fine and the friend is fine, you can do that again from time to time, and offer to be at their disposal too, if necessary.


I think the theme that I do agree with in a lot of the comments - though I share none of the hostility - is yes, if you want a village, then "be" the village. If you're on the fence about reaching out or supporting for fear of breaching propriety, err on the side of doing it. If someone in the moms' group is struggling, offer what support you can and if they ask for it, show up for them, even if the emotion feels cheesy or insincere.... because if you got someone takeout when they were sick, or participated in the new mom meal train, your insincerity matters less than that you did it.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Why can't people order their own takeout and why would anyone want your casserole that is so 1975? It's a lot easier for people to be self-sufficient now with ordering food apps. Childcare? Care.com or NextDoor.

[Anonymous]

Make one friend at a time, you never know who will stick.