Arranged Marriage?!?

[Anonymous]

Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

Reading DCUM I’m not convinced love marriages have all that much love either.

I’m not Indian but my husband is. We would consider seeing a matchmaker for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

Yes. I've dated quite a few Indian women who tell me their parents slept in separate beds in separate rooms. Also, plenty of Indian women in arranged marriages cheat. It's their only chance for sex. Thank goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Indian-American neighbor’s daughter just got married to someone her parents found through an Indian matchmaker. She is good looking, has a good personality, really charming young woman, doing her medical residency. She dated several boys but didn’t really like anyone enough to go into a relationship. Her parents were getting anxious due to cultural norms of getting married before 30. They contacted some match makers and eventually found a good match. He is finishing up last year of medical school in NJ and has a residency slot secured here in Virginia. Their daughter met him few times in person and chatted over zoom and phone as well. They liked each other and agreed to marry.

It feels strange to me as they don’t really know each other but her parents are quite confident it has as much chance of working out as a love marriage. They didn’t even meet each other before wedding. Only saw pictures but it all worked out for them. I wonder if this traditional set up is still common and if it still works. All of my children’s Indian-American friends who were born and raised here in US are finding their partners in standard American ways and wouldn’t even consider any parental involvement, let alone matchmaking so this arrangement is not something we ever saw up close. I was wondering if this can be an option for non-Indians who aren’t finding love around them or on dating sites.

divorce rate in India (mostly traditional matchmaking as you've described) and even among Indian-Americans (mostly self-made matches lol) is much less than the US population at large

It’s mostly because women stay even if they are unhappy due to stigma of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Eh, arranged doesn’t mean forced, ya know. I think going into marriage with a high level of commitment and low expectations for what *you’re* going to get out of it is always a good idea. Many choices can lead to a lot of entitlement.

Plus how many couples do you know who are utterly shocked at who their partners are ten years into marriage? Marriage is always like a box of chocolates imo.

But it is very foreign (literally and figuratively) to me, a white American, too.

Most Indians are also considered white.

Actually no, Indians aren’t Caucasians. I think Iranians are.

Indians are Caucasians. But I've never in my life been referred to as white. Iranians are also Caucasian, and there is significant overlap in features etc because of the Mughal Empire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the big advantages to a matchmaker/parental involvement is that they will ask the hard questions many people are afraid to ask, or don’t think to ask. Like:

How will you provide for the family?
How will you parent your children?
What is your reputation?
What are your debts?
What is your character?
How do you envision married life?
What are your expectations for sex throughout the marriage?
What are your views on money?

They are also able to more clearly see the red flags, like a man who may not have a great reputation, or who is more frivolous with money, or who will expect his wife to do the bulk of parenting and housework (plus provide income). Like I had no idea in my 20s that a man who didn’t own a cutting board and couldn’t cook would morph into a huge problem during marriage.

So maybe there’s a way to combine both - to let people decide for themselves, but teach them what questions yo ask, empower them to ask those questions, and teach them what red flags to look out for.

Sex is never mentioned in Indian matchmaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

Indian- American here and I don't disagree, bit I think a lot of "regular" marriages are this way as well. Maybe started off as transactional in some sense as well or maybe turned into that and lost its spark

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

This. Intentions are good but it’s usually a social transaction not a loving relationship and families are often over involved if spouses grew up in India, newer generation here is more independent and private even if they love their families, they tend to maintain boundaries. Parents who live here for decades, often are more liberal and embrace western thinking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to my Indian colleague, it’s not all as good as it seems on surface, match making and arranged marriages has its own pros and cons. He says not even educated Indians in India wants to go through it.

It’s not really arranged.

It’s like “here is a list of people that fit a certain criteria”. Who on this list do you vibe with.

This is the modern form of arranged marriage. I don't know a single Indian person who would refer to what OP describes as anything other than an arranged marriage (and I'm Indian-American with almost all my cousins in India). There is still a lot of forced marriage in India, but for educated professionals the norm is to have the couple meet a few times before deciding. But the purpose of the meeting is to decide if they want to get married...not to date for an indefinite period of time without any specific obligation. I don't know what fraction of marriages are set up this way, but I know that my cousins in India are considered an aberration in that only one of them had an arranged marriage. Notably, that cousin had previously had a very long-term girlfriend, but his attitude about what he wanted out of his life changed when my uncle (his father) died relatively young and unexpectedly. Otherwise, it's unlikely that cousin would have had an arranged marriage either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

Wow, that is fascinating. When I was growing up I saw a lot of friends in the Indian American community and always wondered if their moms were happy or how they felt about the arrangement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think one of the big advantages to a matchmaker/parental involvement is that they will ask the hard questions many people are afraid to ask, or don’t think to ask. Like:

How will you provide for the family?
How will you parent your children?
What is your reputation?
What are your debts?
What is your character?
How do you envision married life?
What are your expectations for sex throughout the marriage?
What are your views on money?

They are also able to more clearly see the red flags, like a man who may not have a great reputation, or who is more frivolous with money, or who will expect his wife to do the bulk of parenting and housework (plus provide income). Like I had no idea in my 20s that a man who didn’t own a cutting board and couldn’t cook would morph into a huge problem during marriage.

So maybe there’s a way to combine both - to let people decide for themselves, but teach them what questions yo ask, empower them to ask those questions, and teach them what red flags to look out for.

Sex is never mentioned in Indian matchmaking.

Ok, never mentioned — of course. But I always wondered about this. For the boy and girl involved, these days do they have to feel sexually attracted to get all the way to the altar? I watched a few seasons of the Indian matchmaking show on Netflix and it seemed to work in stages — introduction, some modified version of dating, engagement, and then marriage. Possible to break it off at any time before marriage if you’re just not feeling it. So in that sense it doesn’t seem very different than dating, just you have someone to do a lot of the initial screening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

Indian- American here and I don't disagree, bit I think a lot of "regular" marriages are this way as well. Maybe started off as transactional in some sense as well or maybe turned into that and lost its spark

Yup, neither method is fool proof but Indian matchmaking is traditionally based on matching families, marriages are less about couple and more about their parents. Obviously modern Indian generations are way more westernized but in traditional set up, marriages are often devoid of intimacy even if they churn out babies every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its like marrying a blind date after meeting him few times. Interesting. If they have enough data on success of these marriages, it’s as good as any.

It is nothing like marrying after a blind date.

Both the man’s and the woman’s families have done extensive research on each other and decided they approve of the match. They know your education, income, hobbies and probably more than a few of your friends. This reduces so much stress around inlaw relationships.

[Anonymous]

In present day USA, Indian matchmaking is nothing more than dating site algorithm and couples have way more power than their parents in this matter.

[Anonymous]

It’s just a very discriminatory process.