Arranged Marriage?!?

[Anonymous]

I married into a family where there is both arranged marriages and love marriages have taken place. 2 of DHs siblings have arranged marriages and DH and I plus another sibling have " love marriages" . I honestly don't see a big difference between us we all are happy with our spouses and face the typical marriage stuff. I can't argue one way is best just different way of getting to a goal and different things work for different people.

In full disclosure DH says if he hadn't met me he would have asked his parents to step in because they did a good job with his siblings

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would avoid the Patels.

I love the Patels.

[Anonymous]

India has a very high rate of domestic violence (it's double the US). Guess when it became illegal to hit your wife in India--2005.

Lots of people throwing out anecdata here. So I'll throw out my own.

In my own Bethesda neighborhood, we live close-by to two older first gen Indian couples who had arranged marriages. Both of their eldest daughters had arranged marriages (and neither of those are happy marriages--they are not divorced of course), none of their subsequent children had arranged marriages.

[Anonymous]

I think match making by parents is perfectly fine and if it turns out to be a good match for both man and the woman, they can get the ball rolling themselves and see if they hit the goal or not. It’s totally possible for it to grow into a romance.

What’s objectionable is expecting them to immediately jump on the wedding wagon. If both set of parents are clear about trying to arrange, not definitely arranged part then it’s as good as any other method to meet suitable prospects.

[Anonymous]

One thing I envy about immigrant Asian couples around here is their loyalty and dedication a given and divorce is rare. It’s very different than most DC couples where possibility of an affair or divorce is always on back of everyone’s mind. It’s tiring and takes a toll on relationship dynamics.

[Anonymous]

We have such imposed expectations of ‘love’ partners. We really set them up to fail. If arranged partners have more grounded expectations and slowly build a relationship based on actual experiences rather than hopes and dreams than I can see the benefits (providing there is no coercion.)

[Anonymous]

*impossible

[Anonymous]

I have seen a lot of these marriages. I was unmarried in my 30s and I nowadays I think maybe it would have just been easier if I was in an arranged marriage. I find that while not everything is perfect a lot of the marriages are ok and are probably on par with those who don't have arranged marriages.

[Anonymous]

You can observe similar level of devotion but with a higher level of intimacy in couples who come together early like in school or college as they gradually grow from friends to lovers and naturally ease into marriage and parenthood. They go through life together and have stronger ties than strangers who meet later in life and dated for shorter period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples whose marriages are arranged. I am close enough to some of them to ask nosey questions, and based on that I am convinced that it can work out very nicely if it's done the right way for the right people. There is a whole cultural backdrop to it, and it's not like these people have been paired off randomly. Lots of thought goes into the process, often way more than with the "normal" "love" marriages.

I find it interesting that you think these folks honestly answered your “nosey” questions. I’ve lied anytime anyone has asked an intrusive question about my parents’ marriage or arranged marriages generally.

Context is everything. They are close friends and have no reasons to lie. Plus, I know how to ask questions.

Uh, ok? Are you an American born non-Indian asking a bunch of Indian about their marriage? You seem a little clueless on the level of intimacy they would feel towards you and in how they would respond? Trust me, we deal with people like you everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples whose marriages are arranged. I am close enough to some of them to ask nosey questions, and based on that I am convinced that it can work out very nicely if it's done the right way for the right people. There is a whole cultural backdrop to it, and it's not like these people have been paired off randomly. Lots of thought goes into the process, often way more than with the "normal" "love" marriages.

I find it interesting that you think these folks honestly answered your “nosey” questions. I’ve lied anytime anyone has asked an intrusive question about my parents’ marriage or arranged marriages generally.

Indian Am here - 100%. Sorry I’m not honestly answering about arranged marriages or my family’s marriages if asked IRL. I’m giving neutral - oh it works, 50% of love marriages fail blah blah. I’m not saying to you the stuff I’ve said here.

What's interesting is you both assume everyone is a liar like you and are miserable like you. I'm truly sorry for your experience but your experience is not universal.

+1. Not everyone is a compulsive liar. Mature adults know how to keep their boundaries and deal with uncomfortable situations without defaulting to lying.

Nah, the poster said she asks nosey questions. She is the immature one. People are perfectly okay and mature to answer - oh, he’s very kind and it’s a good partnership— even if it’s not perfectly true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can observe similar level of devotion but with a higher level of intimacy in couples who come together early like in school or college as they gradually grow from friends to lovers and naturally ease into marriage and parenthood. They go through life together and have stronger ties than strangers who meet later in life and dated for shorter period.

+1 It’s because they know each other well, unlike couples who meet later in like and try to be their best selves to make good impression. There is so much you don’t see until you are married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I envy about immigrant Asian couples around here is their loyalty and dedication a given and divorce is rare. It’s very different than most DC couples where possibility of an affair or divorce is always on back of everyone’s mind. It’s tiring and takes a toll on relationship dynamics.

Double edged sword; I grew up in an adjacent culture seeing many of those marriages up close. Adultery, abuse, gambling, neglect must all be swallowed by the woman in the name of loyalty and dedication. Women pay the price in many of these situations where the stigma of divorce is high and “this is just how life is.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

So sorry about your childhood with your parents. It seems like you were very unhappy and think that it is due to your parents being Indian-Americans. Let me assure you, it was just that your parents had a bad and miserable marriage. Most Indian kids think of their childhood as a golden period of bliss and happiness. Yes, there are lots of marriages that are not a hugely romantic matches, and there are lots of happy marriages where PDA does not happen, but the chance they will break up is uncommon. Are there miserable marriages too? Of course, I am sure there are as many unhappy (but not divorcing) marriages in Indian-American families as there are in any other racial group in USA. Mostly, the conservative culture of the small expat community and immigrant community works to contain openly bad behavior but also prevents people from divorcing in unhappy marriages

Thankfully, most people I know are in happy and romantic marriages. Even those that had arranged marriages. (ok - I know 2 couples who should divorce STAT because the husbands are psychos, and 1 kid whose parents are horrible. So sh1t happens). You know, I think there is something to be said about having a marriage where the respect and loyalty happens just because wedding vows are honored. Having high SES, same culture, comingled wealth, education, successful children, family support, societal approval, love of Bollywood etc - go a long way in acting as glue in keeping the marriage together. Most people (50 and below) also want the romance, leisure time and lifestyle of today - that earlier generation did not go for due to a lot of financial and cultural reasons. Now with rising SES, Indian-Americans are more into conspicuous consumption than before. The younger generation is also open to divorce if things don't work out.

I think generally people in arranged marriages also do not have unrealistic expectation of marriage and for most of the couples they may still have middle class morality even if they are UC. Of course, there are all types of people in all types of society.

IDK what PP is saying is true in LOTS of Indian marriages. We just don’t say it out loud. I do agree the childhoods are very good in large part due to huge stability so yeah it’s great for kids. I’m just talking about the marriage relationship. IDK how many empty nesters you know but the cracks emerge once the kids leave - and no that doesn’t mean they’d ever divorce - but that’s when the woman realizes how it really is (the men are oblivious as long as there are hot rotis). Sure in some families it won’t matter bc the kids stay close, parents busy themselves with grandkids etc. But this is America, more and more Indian Am kids move off to Manhattan or someplace where families can’t follow; many marry non Indians so mom and dad living with or stopping by 4 times/wk is a no go.

A lot of marriages around the world have the empty nest syndrome when kids launch. Most parents live their lives around their children and they lose sight of their relationship as a couple. But, the same people also reconnect. Look around and see how the empty nester Indian-Americans live here. I am mostly seeing older couples being part of yoga, music, traveling, volunteering, potlucks, kitty parties, cards, karaoke, eating out, trekking etc. They are also hugely organized. They go to more parties than people in their 20s and 30s.

I am curious if you are second gen older millennial? Are you between the ages of 30-45? Because I am getting a sense of who your parents might be and why you feel the way you feel. You are describing the people in the movie "Namesake" and that was a different breed and a different immigration experience. It was certainly not the most glorious generation.

Yes, that’s me- 49 and parents immigrated in the late 60s/70s wave. Not sure why you are discounting our experience— there is a reason rates of arranged marriages are declining.

[Anonymous]

Marrying a complete stranger because he/she matches well on paper sounds risky but apparently it works out in most cases.