Arranged Marriage?!?

[Anonymous]

Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:According to my Indian colleague, it’s not all as good as it seems on surface, match making and arranged marriages has its own pros and cons. He says not even educated Indians in India wants to go through it.

It’s not really arranged.

It’s like “here is a list of people that fit a certain criteria”. Who on this list do you vibe with.

[Anonymous]

Very sensible. Makes a lot of sense for her.

Facts - She is a doctor. She is good looking. She probably comes from a good SES family. She does not have too much leisure time to date extensively. She wants someone who matches her in qualification, earning, SES, looks and who also wants to get married. She has already tried to date and found that prospects in the dating market as being quite grim.

Medical profession is full of other Indian-Americans so it is not hard to find a suitable person ewho also wants to get married. THe prospective groom has sacrificed as much as her to become a doctor and appreciates the work that this profession needs. There will be no cultural differences , SES differences, Religious and Race difference s between the family, and the couple . If they choose to have children they will get childcare support from both families. They will also not have to pay a dime for their wwedding and they already do not have student debt.
Probably they will be able to immidiately be able to buy a milloion dollar home in a great neighborhood and begin their liives.
A win-win.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.

Two adults who have gone through all the work to make it to medical school and have a good work ethic, probably have good examples of functional families in their own lives, are educated and high SES, have vetted each other after dating others, decide to marry with the blessings of two families and are being judged by a group of dysfunctional people whose national divorce rate is 50%?

ok. sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as she’s on board. Honestly, dating is hard for beautiful, educated and ambitious women. It’s hard finding a man that would be considered your equal. There are just not enough of these high quality men around. I hope that improves with the new generations.

This. It seems like the daughter is okay with it and he's a good guy I don't see a problem.

[Anonymous]

Is the question why would this girl be so willing to marry this particular groom when she is well educated, financially emancipated and did date on her own across race and profession?

My guess is because she is marrying a well-matched person in all ways who wants the same things as her and both liked each other as marriage partners. There is always some physical attraction and in most cases the arranged marriages couples find that the process of arranged marriage yields them far superior mates than what they could find by themselves in the dating world. Mom, dad, matchmaker will do a better job than Tinder in a heartbeat. .

Also, maybe she does not have emotional baggage because she is not a floor model who has been frequently test driven by the Tom's Dick's in a Hurry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.

It's everything you listed, and surely you realize that these are the things that generate the most conflict in marriage. Makes sense to get them out of the way.

People don't usually date for a long time in this context as marital intent will have been established.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.

How is this different from the " love match" dating detailed on DCUM where it's all about which college they went to , the right career and earning potential, no mental illness in the family and so.looks , status etc.

[Anonymous]

Sounds reasonable. There are many right ways to finding a partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is it more about finding right religion, cast, ethnicity, social status, looks, income etc or the person? It’s fine if there is no rush to get engaged or marry immediately. If you date for a year and then decide, it may work better but most parents are against it because then things tend to go sour.

Two adults who have gone through all the work to make it to medical school and have a good work ethic, probably have good examples of functional families in their own lives, are educated and high SES, have vetted each other after dating others, decide to marry with the blessings of two families and are being judged by a group of dysfunctional people whose national divorce rate is 50%?

ok. sure.

Fair point, but the colorism and misogyny embedded in the process is absolutely ripe for in-culture and out-culture critique.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It makes sense to me. The guy is from the same culture and has the same education. Better than finding a husband through Tinder.

+1. A company like Tinder has vested interest in taking your $ and keeping you single. A parent doing the same thing has vested interest in their baby's happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:According to my Indian colleague, it’s not all as good as it seems on surface, match making and arranged marriages has its own pros and cons. He says not even educated Indians in India wants to go through it.

It’s not really arranged.

It’s like “here is a list of people that fit a certain criteria”. Who on this list do you vibe with.

Here is a list of people from certain race, religion, nationality, ethnicity, cast, social class, profession, income, educational level etc., your parents approve of, please pick any flavor of vanilla you prefer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is the question why would this girl be so willing to marry this particular groom when she is well educated, financially emancipated and did date on her own across race and profession?

My guess is because she is marrying a well-matched person in all ways who wants the same things as her and both liked each other as marriage partners. There is always some physical attraction and in most cases the arranged marriages couples find that the process of arranged marriage yields them far superior mates than what they could find by themselves in the dating world. Mom, dad, matchmaker will do a better job than Tinder in a heartbeat. .

Also, maybe she does not have emotional baggage because she is not a floor model who has been frequently test driven by the Tom's Dick's in a Hurry?

Or maybe she is feeling extreme pressure from her family (and extended family) to marry, regardless of what her personal desires are. In a matchmaking process candidates are vetted down to a handful of folks to choose from and there is A LOT of pressure to choose one of these handful. I don't think most appreciate that there is little "choice" in this process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As long as she’s on board. Honestly, dating is hard for beautiful, educated and ambitious women. It’s hard finding a man that would be considered your equal. There are just not enough of these high quality men around. I hope that improves with the new generations.

This. It seems like the daughter is okay with it and he's a good guy I don't see a problem.

We don’t know if he is a good guy or a hidden creep, they know about him but not him. He checked all the boxes and looked/sounded pleasant, that’s about it. Lots to be revealed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Or maybe she is feeling extreme pressure from her family (and extended family) to marry, regardless of what her personal desires are. In a matchmaking process candidates are vetted down to a handful of folks to choose from and there is A LOT of pressure to choose one of these handful. I don't think most appreciate that there is little "choice" in this process.

"Extreme"-really? My mother:You are nothing without a husband! What's wrong with you? Are you a lesbian?
Loving Indian mother: Sorry your last relationship didn't work out. My friend's son went through the same thing. Why don't you stay when I invite them over this weekend? At the very least you'll have a friend who can commisserate.