Arranged Marriage?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I know several couples whose marriages are arranged. I am close enough to some of them to ask nosey questions, and based on that I am convinced that it can work out very nicely if it's done the right way for the right people. There is a whole cultural backdrop to it, and it's not like these people have been paired off randomly. Lots of thought goes into the process, often way more than with the "normal" "love" marriages.

I find it interesting that you think these folks honestly answered your “nosey” questions. I’ve lied anytime anyone has asked an intrusive question about my parents’ marriage or arranged marriages generally.

Context is everything. They are close friends and have no reasons to lie. Plus, I know how to ask questions.

Uh, ok? Are you an American born non-Indian asking a bunch of Indian about their marriage? You seem a little clueless on the level of intimacy they would feel towards you and in how they would respond? Trust me, we deal with people like you everyday.

Desi here, knock it off PP. We have non desi friends and we would have no qualms about sharing arranged marriage experiences with them. Not everyone is in a bubble like you where you only mingle with your desi aunties.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Indian-Am myself so very familiar with this process. Yes it’s a very reasonable way to meet someone, yes this girls marriage has a 99% chance of working. Yet what no one hits on - most of these marriages never develop the intimacy that regular marriages already have going in. Yes we all know intimacy alone isn’t enough for a marriage - as evidenced by the 50% US divorce rate - and similar values, culture, professional attainment, money views matter greatly. But a marriage where the love is in that - of course we respect each other/love each other bc we’re spouses - kind of polite way just isn’t fun. AT ALL. This is what many Indian Am experienced growing up - marriage as business transaction. In our homes we saw -no holding hands, hugging, real joking around or belly laughs and I can only imagine the true private moments -let’s just say it’s done after 2 kids have arrived. Even Indian Am born and raised here going into this process tend to view marriage as a transaction; if they are in that lucky 0.5% they will have true intimacy + all the business objectives met w 2 drs, million dollar starter homes etc. But 99.5% chance it’ll be a good transaction w no true true love but they’ll stay in bc well what is love anyway/doesn’t exist - guaranteed either her parents or in-laws or both feel this way.

So sorry about your childhood with your parents. It seems like you were very unhappy and think that it is due to your parents being Indian-Americans. Let me assure you, it was just that your parents had a bad and miserable marriage. Most Indian kids think of their childhood as a golden period of bliss and happiness. Yes, there are lots of marriages that are not a hugely romantic matches, and there are lots of happy marriages where PDA does not happen, but the chance they will break up is uncommon. Are there miserable marriages too? Of course, I am sure there are as many unhappy (but not divorcing) marriages in Indian-American families as there are in any other racial group in USA. Mostly, the conservative culture of the small expat community and immigrant community works to contain openly bad behavior but also prevents people from divorcing in unhappy marriages

Thankfully, most people I know are in happy and romantic marriages. Even those that had arranged marriages. (ok - I know 2 couples who should divorce STAT because the husbands are psychos, and 1 kid whose parents are horrible. So sh1t happens). You know, I think there is something to be said about having a marriage where the respect and loyalty happens just because wedding vows are honored. Having high SES, same culture, comingled wealth, education, successful children, family support, societal approval, love of Bollywood etc - go a long way in acting as glue in keeping the marriage together. Most people (50 and below) also want the romance, leisure time and lifestyle of today - that earlier generation did not go for due to a lot of financial and cultural reasons. Now with rising SES, Indian-Americans are more into conspicuous consumption than before. The younger generation is also open to divorce if things don't work out.

I think generally people in arranged marriages also do not have unrealistic expectation of marriage and for most of the couples they may still have middle class morality even if they are UC. Of course, there are all types of people in all types of society.

IDK what PP is saying is true in LOTS of Indian marriages. We just don’t say it out loud. I do agree the childhoods are very good in large part due to huge stability so yeah it’s great for kids. I’m just talking about the marriage relationship. IDK how many empty nesters you know but the cracks emerge once the kids leave - and no that doesn’t mean they’d ever divorce - but that’s when the woman realizes how it really is (the men are oblivious as long as there are hot rotis). Sure in some families it won’t matter bc the kids stay close, parents busy themselves with grandkids etc. But this is America, more and more Indian Am kids move off to Manhattan or someplace where families can’t follow; many marry non Indians so mom and dad living with or stopping by 4 times/wk is a no go.

A lot of marriages around the world have the empty nest syndrome when kids launch. Most parents live their lives around their children and they lose sight of their relationship as a couple. But, the same people also reconnect. Look around and see how the empty nester Indian-Americans live here. I am mostly seeing older couples being part of yoga, music, traveling, volunteering, potlucks, kitty parties, cards, karaoke, eating out, trekking etc. They are also hugely organized. They go to more parties than people in their 20s and 30s.

I am curious if you are second gen older millennial? Are you between the ages of 30-45? Because I am getting a sense of who your parents might be and why you feel the way you feel. You are describing the people in the movie "Namesake" and that was a different breed and a different immigration experience. It was certainly not the most glorious generation.

Yes, that’s me- 49 and parents immigrated in the late 60s/70s wave. Not sure why you are discounting our experience— there is a reason rates of arranged marriages are declining.

Btw I am not the person who wrote the details in the thread above but I have recognized so many of the comments on here, most of which are just not voiced anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Indian women have been conditioned to be the goddesses of sacrifice. Until 1987, sati (widow gets herself burnt to ashes during her late husband's funeral pyre) was legal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know several couples whose marriages are arranged. I am close enough to some of them to ask nosey questions, and based on that I am convinced that it can work out very nicely if it's done the right way for the right people. There is a whole cultural backdrop to it, and it's not like these people have been paired off randomly. Lots of thought goes into the process, often way more than with the "normal" "love" marriages.

I find it interesting that you think these folks honestly answered your “nosey” questions. I’ve lied anytime anyone has asked an intrusive question about my parents’ marriage or arranged marriages generally.

Context is everything. They are close friends and have no reasons to lie. Plus, I know how to ask questions.

Uh, ok? Are you an American born non-Indian asking a bunch of Indian about their marriage? You seem a little clueless on the level of intimacy they would feel towards you and in how they would respond? Trust me, we deal with people like you everyday.

Desi here, knock it off PP. We have non desi friends and we would have no qualms about sharing arranged marriage experiences with them. Not everyone is in a bubble like you where you only mingle with your desi aunties.

LOL, heard a lot about adventures of desi aunties from my Indian friends but their own mothers came across to me as open-minded and non-traditional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can observe similar level of devotion but with a higher level of intimacy in couples who come together early like in school or college as they gradually grow from friends to lovers and naturally ease into marriage and parenthood. They go through life together and have stronger ties than strangers who meet later in life and dated for shorter period.

Well yeah but when most dc men and women don’t get married until after 30, that isn’t in the cards for most people.

What you describe is not common and as each year passes, less and less common

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One thing I envy about immigrant Asian couples around here is their loyalty and dedication a given and divorce is rare. It’s very different than most DC couples where possibility of an affair or divorce is always on back of everyone’s mind. It’s tiring and takes a toll on relationship dynamics.

It's not the same concept of loyalty. Affairs for men is definitely a possibility, although an unspoken one. It's just that there is no expectation of divorce over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:India has a very high rate of domestic violence (it's double the US). Guess when it became illegal to hit your wife in India--2005.

Lots of people throwing out anecdata here. So I'll throw out my own.

In my own Bethesda neighborhood, we live close-by to two older first gen Indian couples who had arranged marriages. Both of their eldest daughters had arranged marriages (and neither of those are happy marriages--they are not divorced of course), none of their subsequent children had arranged marriages.

Indian also, sadly, has a high rate of child sexual abuse of girls, and it usually happens within the family.

[Anonymous]

Arrange marriage was a necessity for times when Indians got married very early, as children or barely in their teens. Obviously bride and groom weren’t old enough and these were family affairs. I don’t know why they are using it for adults. I guess more like a matchmaking and wedding planning service than a traditionally arranged deal.

[Anonymous]

I’m Irish. My grandparents were “a match”… a local match maker set up my grandad, a nearly 40 year old widower, with my 21 year old grandmother who was a good women with a good family but no land. They had 16 children and weee by all accounts loving and happy. It can work out, as long as no coercion is involved.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen it go both ways, just like we see love marriages go up in flames all the time.

I ended up in a quasi-arranged marriage just due to being in my mid 30s and my now DH being 40 and well known and liked by my family 1000 miles away. I met him 3 times before he relocated and we got married (he knew relocation was a term of being with me). We talked a lot throughout and I feel very fortunate to have found him, however it happened.

My “love” relationships were volatile and a few were physically abusive. I finally understand what my grandmother meant when she said her and her and my grandfather were a “smart match”. She wasn’t in love with him, and she shared her love letters from the one she had wanted to marry. Still had a great life.

[Anonymous]

I guarantee my parents would have done a better job picking someone than me. Plain American here - no other interesting cultures in my background - but I really wish we had such a thing. It would have made the whole process a lot clearer. I dated so many horrible people and I ended up marrying someone with whom I've no shared culture/equal education and it's not good. I didn't look at marriage rationally, which is what a marriage arranger does.

[Anonymous]

People compared the top 10% of love marriages to all arranged marriages when they dump on the latter.

It’s because people are delusional and think all love marriages (including their own) will be in the top 10a%.

If you compare the general universe of both, it ends up being zero difference.

[Anonymous]

I am Indian and grew up in India and this happens with 1.4 Billion people over there. Still perplexes me as why someone would agree to marry anyone who could be a weirdo or whatnot. I could never do that but all my siblings did.