Arranged Marriage?!?

[Anonymous]

My Indian-American neighbor’s daughter just got married to someone her parents found through an Indian matchmaker. She is good looking, has a good personality, really charming young woman, doing her medical residency. She dated several boys but didn’t really like anyone enough to go into a relationship. Her parents were getting anxious due to cultural norms of getting married before 30. They contacted some match makers and eventually found a good match. He is finishing up last year of medical school in NJ and has a residency slot secured here in Virginia. Their daughter met him few times in person and chatted over zoom and phone as well. They liked each other and agreed to marry.

It feels strange to me as they don’t really know each other but her parents are quite confident it has as much chance of working out as a love marriage. They didn’t even meet each other before wedding. Only saw pictures but it all worked out for them. I wonder if this traditional set up is still common and if it still works. All of my children’s Indian-American friends who were born and raised here in US are finding their partners in standard American ways and wouldn’t even consider any parental involvement, let alone matchmaking so this arrangement is not something we ever saw up close. I was wondering if this can be an option for non-Indians who aren’t finding love around them or on dating sites.

[Anonymous]

Its like marrying a blind date after meeting him few times. Interesting. If they have enough data on success of these marriages, it’s as good as any.

[Anonymous]

I mean, who's to say. Is this different than a match maker?

[Anonymous]

One of my former colleagues had an arranged marriage. She is Indian but I think came to the US in young adulthood (pre-marriage). It was a normal option for her. Her (and his) family spearheaded it, but she was totally on board.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Indian-American neighbor’s daughter just got married to someone her parents found through an Indian matchmaker. She is good looking, has a good personality, really charming young woman, doing her medical residency. She dated several boys but didn’t really like anyone enough to go into a relationship. Her parents were getting anxious due to cultural norms of getting married before 30. They contacted some match makers and eventually found a good match. He is finishing up last year of medical school in NJ and has a residency slot secured here in Virginia. Their daughter met him few times in person and chatted over zoom and phone as well. They liked each other and agreed to marry.

It feels strange to me as they don’t really know each other but her parents are quite confident it has as much chance of working out as a love marriage. They didn’t even meet each other before wedding. Only saw pictures but it all worked out for them. I wonder if this traditional set up is still common and if it still works. All of my children’s Indian-American friends who were born and raised here in US are finding their partners in standard American ways and wouldn’t even consider any parental involvement, let alone matchmaking so this arrangement is not something we ever saw up close. I was wondering if this can be an option for non-Indians who aren’t finding love around them or on dating sites.

I mean, it wouldn't be my choice, but I think in some ways this isn't wrong. If every party is going into it willingly and with the same goals, it's a reasonable option.

[Anonymous]

Not so unusual in certain communities. At least 4 of my friends had an arranged marriage (and live in the US). The chances of success are the same as ‘love’ marriages and there is a strong sense of commitment to begin with. I see some of the marriages in US ending abruptly because mostly based on feelings (when I don’t feel in love anymore I don’t stick to my commitment but I look for new romance with somebody else)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My Indian-American neighbor’s daughter just got married to someone her parents found through an Indian matchmaker. She is good looking, has a good personality, really charming young woman, doing her medical residency. She dated several boys but didn’t really like anyone enough to go into a relationship. Her parents were getting anxious due to cultural norms of getting married before 30. They contacted some match makers and eventually found a good match. He is finishing up last year of medical school in NJ and has a residency slot secured here in Virginia. Their daughter met him few times in person and chatted over zoom and phone as well. They liked each other and agreed to marry.

It feels strange to me as they don’t really know each other but her parents are quite confident it has as much chance of working out as a love marriage. They didn’t even meet each other before wedding. Only saw pictures but it all worked out for them. I wonder if this traditional set up is still common and if it still works. All of my children’s Indian-American friends who were born and raised here in US are finding their partners in standard American ways and wouldn’t even consider any parental involvement, let alone matchmaking so this arrangement is not something we ever saw up close. I was wondering if this can be an option for non-Indians who aren’t finding love around them or on dating sites.

MYOB, and a "love marriage" you mean the love that American women look for that doesn't exist and they get old and can't have a family? lolzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

[Anonymous]

Are you Indian?

[Anonymous]

As long as she’s on board. Honestly, dating is hard for beautiful, educated and ambitious women. It’s hard finding a man that would be considered your equal. There are just not enough of these high quality men around. I hope that improves with the new generations.

[Anonymous]

It makes sense to me. The guy is from the same culture and has the same education. Better than finding a husband through Tinder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As long as she’s on board. Honestly, dating is hard for beautiful, educated and ambitious women. It’s hard finding a man that would be considered your equal. There are just not enough of these high quality men around. I hope that improves with the new generations.

I agree. And I think if both of them are on board it has a reasonable chance for success. So much of marriage is about the choice to partner together rather than love. Also, love is much easier when you are compatible.

[Anonymous]

Could work. Especially if they both expect that the marriage won't fulfill every single need they have for social/emotional/intellectual fulfillment, but they both expect they will be reasonable, caring people who work together to make a home and family.

The One True Love narrative is a lot of pressure.

[Anonymous]

Eh, arranged doesn’t mean forced, ya know. I think going into marriage with a high level of commitment and low expectations for what *you’re* going to get out of it is always a good idea. Many choices can lead to a lot of entitlement.

Plus how many couples do you know who are utterly shocked at who their partners are ten years into marriage? Marriage is always like a box of chocolates imo.

But it is very foreign (literally and figuratively) to me, a white American, too.

[Anonymous]

1. She probably isn’t as pretty as you claim she is

2. She and/or her parents wouldn’t consider someone who is a non-doctor (or equivalent ses level of a doc)

Those are the reasons why the non-arranged market didn’t work for her.

When markets don’t clear, interventions need to happen in order to find a solution.

Once you start viewing mating in market terms, everything makes sense

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. She probably isn’t as pretty as you claim she is

2. She and/or her parents wouldn’t consider someone who is a non-doctor (or equivalent ses level of a doc)

Those are the reasons why the non-arranged market didn’t work for her.

When markets don’t clear, interventions need to happen in order to find a solution.

Once you start viewing mating in market terms, everything makes sense

DP. Whatever. I'm Indian-American and while I met my DH the so-called "American way" I know people who have gone the Indian matchmaking route and are very happy. My DH is from LDS background and says much the same happens at Mormon singles wards, where the Bishop or some such elder basically pairs off the members.