Guy I'm dating says he needs time to "wrap things up" before we start our relatioship- what to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds like a great guy if he respects the other women that enough to break up face to face. Why are you so concerned about 7-10 days?

This. He seems great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he should have known by now, 3 months in, that he wanted to be with you and should have already gradually stopped seeing the other women. This doesn’t feel great to me.

Agree. Kudos for being transparent but I’d be concerned with what I saw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Need advice. I've been dating a guy casually for 3 months- he takes me out 2x a week on proper dates and we have a great time. We're both 40 and divorced.

We are sleeping together but have not had the "exclusive" talk until last night. We had the talk to define the relationship, and both agreed that we want to be in a committed relationship and boyfriend/girlfriend.

However, he told me he needs a little time to "wrap things up" - get off the dating apps (which we met on), and break things off with the other people he had been dating. He said he needs 7- 10 days to do that. I said that seemed kind of long and I asked specifically what that meant, and he was transparent and said that he has been seeing two other women who are really good people, and he owes it to them to meet in person to say that things aren't going to work out between them.

I told him that I thought a phone call to them would be normal, but he insisted that he needs to at least meet and have coffee with them. I told him that something doesn't feel right to me, and I don't know if this is a good way to start a serious relationship. He said, "I think you're overthinking this...and I'm being punished for being transparent."

What do you think I should I do?

Can I also flag this? Why is he saying that "he is being punished for being transparent"? You had concerns and you voiced them, and this sounds like gaslighting to me, nevermind who is right about in-person vs phone call breakups. I don't like that he used the words you are punishing him. A bit extreme to me and could be a harbinger of how he deals with things you disagree on in the future. I also think that manipulative responses like this don't bode well for a person's intentions IMO.

To me, it sounds like she was threatening to not become exclusive with him after all if he breaks up with these women in person as he prefers to. I agree with him that OP is trying to punish him for being honest.

PP here. I just don't agree. She didn't directly threaten him -- she said her opinion was that a phone call was ok and she was concerned about starting the relationship this way and it didn't feel right. Not sure where the threat is... Twisting those words and assuming they are a threat/punishment is the fault of the receiver.

Completely disagree. Crazy how this guy can be so honest with her, at her command, to his own detriment, and still be spun up as a villain by OP and some of the people on this board. He said point-blank he wants to meet them at least for coffee to break up. He knows them; he's been dating them; this is how he feels he should behave to end the relationships. But if he doesn't do as OP commands - "a phone call would be normal" then he's a manipulative "gaslighter" who's going to sleep with everyone and get her an STI?

Cool, cool.

If he is such a decent guy, why can't he commit to OP before meeting up for breakup coffee? I don't really care one way or the other how he breaks up with them as long as he does it respectfully. That can happen over the phone, in person, even over text, frankly as long as he's not a total jerk. He can commit to monogamy with OP effective immediately, with the caveat that he needs to break up with these women in person. A decent guy would be fine with that. A sleazeball would definitely refer to that expectation as being punished for honesty though.

He did, it's in the OP. He agreed he wants to be in a committed relationship with her. Then he asked for a week to have a chance to see each of the other women in person and break it off. At no point did he say he doesn't want to be monogamous during that time, that was invented in post production to make the thread more interesting. He said exactly what he'd be doing: meeting them for coffee to break it off in person. What a sleazeball?

[Anonymous]

I am a liberal feminist woman (I only say since some people are calling other people incels).

It sounds like you are dating a nice and honest guy who is open about what he needs and why and is willing to commit to you while not compromising how he treats the other women in his life.

If I was in his shoes in this situation I would be reconsidering the commitment since reacting this way to an honest and sincere and transparent plan to move towards exclusivity caused you to essentially believe he just wants to get some fun action. If you really think that is what he is doing why do you want to be exclusive with him?

[Anonymous]

This guys has time to take you on 2 dates a week for 3 months and is also seeing 2 other women? And has time to be on Apps? Does he do anything besides dating?? And why would he now stop doing that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:he’s a cake eater.

If he was really into you he’d be done with other people immediately. Delete the apps; delete the profiles; send an email or text to his other women and say he’s off the market.

Don’t make someone who considers you an option your priority.

THIS right here....!!!!

As long as you don't get mad when a guy dumps you by text. Because you're saying these women don't deserve even a phone call (although OP just thinks they don't deserve an in-person conversation). Make sure you don't have a double standard about what you deserve and what everyone else does.

He can call them, it would be acceptable. I don’t think the guy needs to take over a week going on one last date with his other lovers. That doesn’t sound like he’s serious about op. What woman wants to go on a “date” and dress up and believe she’s with her man and then have him drop the break-up bomb? F that, quit playing games. Right now 2 other women think he’s their guy, and he’s supposedly arranging a date with each one to break it off? The guy sounds narcissistic and manipulative. A kind, caring, brief phone call to each woman and done.

It sounds like he may be more involved with each woman than he previously told op. Or he’s going to feed each woman a line to keep her on the hook.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This guys has time to take you on 2 dates a week for 3 months and is also seeing 2 other women? And has time to be on Apps? Does he do anything besides dating?? And why would he now stop doing that?

+1 he’s a playa playa

[Anonymous]

If your gut is telling you something is off, then maybe you should listen. I don't think you were wrong in voicing your opinion that a phone call is acceptable.

[Anonymous]

As a female reading this thread, I cannot imagine why guys want to put up with this kind of nonsense from women. We are EXHAUSTING!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Be extra controlling so he knows he’s making a mistake?

Maybe he has clothing and toiletries he wants to pick up?

Great troll post.

OP: This is not a troll post. My girlfriends are telling me that I'm openly being played, and that he probably wants to sleep with 1-2 other people before being exclusive. They also said that if he was really into me, he wouldn't drag out becoming exclusive. I don't know what to think.

So what if he does? He is being transparent and presumably he’ll be transparent with you also when he’s closed the door on the other women he’s been seeing. Not sure why you have an issue with this when the whole point is that you knew he wasn’t exclusive and you both want to start to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give him the week he asked for.

+1 Are you really looking to punish this guy for . . . being a decent person with mature communication skills? Nothing he's asking for sounds unreasonable, and his reasoning is admirable.

Would a decent person sleep with three different women at the same time? That feels icky even if they aren't exclusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a female reading this thread, I cannot imagine why guys want to put up with this kind of nonsense from women. We are EXHAUSTING!

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give him the week he asked for.

+1 Are you really looking to punish this guy for . . . being a decent person with mature communication skills? Nothing he's asking for sounds unreasonable, and his reasoning is admirable.

Would a decent person sleep with three different women at the same time? That feels icky even if they aren't exclusive.

Sure, if all three knew it wasn't exclusive. Plus OP has already come back and said she was seeing multiple people too. So they're the same level of decent or indecent, depending on your perspective.

[Anonymous]

I think the issue that everyone's getting hung up on is that this guy is breaking things off in person with the other women. Which, great. But he doesn't need a "7-10 day break" from OP to do this, nor does he need to make a federal case out of it. Go have that 30 min coffee with Larla and Larlita and be done with it. It's honestly not OP's business or concern. The fact that he's giving her this much detail and making it an issue between the two of them is the flag. OP querying the situation "that seems kind of long" is reasonable. Like, why is he bringing it up at all? If he wants to make OP his girlfriend, that's all she needs to know.

tldr; dude is sketch, OP. Also the whole "I'm being punished for my transparency" is gross. I'd move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should give him the week he asked for.

+1 Are you really looking to punish this guy for . . . being a decent person with mature communication skills? Nothing he's asking for sounds unreasonable, and his reasoning is admirable.

Would a decent person sleep with three different women at the same time? That feels icky even if they aren't exclusive.

Apparently the op would.