Vent: “gift” of a trip that I don’t want and requires me to spend lots of money and time

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

[Anonymous]

What if they hadn't said it was a gift or a treat, but just said, "We would really like to celebrate our retirement/birthday as a family? It would mean so much if you came?"

Would you be fine with it then? if so just try to think of it in these terms even if it isn't what they said.

You might end up loving the vacation even if it wasn't your pick originally.

[Anonymous]

Just say thank you, what a wonderful gift but we aren't comfortably flying during covid, have leave/work issues and its not in our budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if they hadn't said it was a gift or a treat, but just said, "We would really like to celebrate our retirement/birthday as a family? It would mean so much if you came?"

Would you be fine with it then? if so just try to think of it in these terms even if it isn't what they said.

You might end up loving the vacation even if it wasn't your pick originally.

+1.

I said this in one of the earlier responses. And it isn't to be dismissive that OP is annoyed. It can be annoying. But it is just well-intentioned advice on how to possibly change your mindset so that you are less annoyed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if they hadn't said it was a gift or a treat, but just said, "We would really like to celebrate our retirement/birthday as a family? It would mean so much if you came?"

Would you be fine with it then? if so just try to think of it in these terms even if it isn't what they said.

You might end up loving the vacation even if it wasn't your pick originally.

+1.

I said this in one of the earlier responses. And it isn't to be dismissive that OP is annoyed. It can be annoying. But it is just well-intentioned advice on how to possibly change your mindset so that you are less annoyed...

OP here. I agree that this is the best tact, and I will try to establish this mindset before the trip, if not sooner. I just need to vent my frustrations in order to move past them. One thing I realize is that the in-laws are framing it as a gift because they want to be able to brag to their peers about it. I guess it’s somewhat equivalent to a sweet sixteen party and wedding in social importance. I also realize that they likely subconsciously realize that this is a big cost to us and want to assuage their guilt by framing it as a gift and glossing over the non-gift parts. This is all very human of them, so I know I can get past it. And ultimately, I’m going on the trip for my husband—not them. My husband is a good guy, and I know he’d feel terribly if I didn’t go.

Thanks for letting me vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing it's more about the way the ILs are approaching it. If they had said "We are retiring and it would mean the world to us if you guys could join us on a special vacation this summer to celebrate. We can afford to pay for food and the house, but we have to ask you guys to pay for your airfare and car. We appreciate you taking the time off work and doing this as your vacation this year!"

Instead, it sounds like they told everyone about the "gift" as though they are being generous and selfless, and have totally glossed over the financial and personal expenses that come with it. It's annoying and self centered. My MIL was like that. We just got better about saying no.

[phone]

I think this trip sounds like a wonderful opportunity to celebrate a birthday and have some valuable family time, but I also 100 percent agree that this was the better way to handle it, not as a gift.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I empathize OP and I am in a similar situation with my own parents.

It helped when I thought of it this way- my parents want to celebrate a major milestone for them and the way they want to do that is to have their family around them. They are asking us to participate in that celebration as a gift to them and doing a little bit to make it easier.

You are either willing to give them that gift, or not. Either answer is obviously OK. But where we landed was to give my parents that gift of letting them have their ideal celebration surrounded by family.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws are retiring and turning 70, so they’ve announced that they’re taking the whole family on a trip to celebrate. I’m not excited at all because the trip is a national park that I have to fly my family of 5 to and take a week of vacation time for. I also have to rent a car. In-laws are paying for the Airbnb and food only. I’d much rather go on the vacation I had planned to take this summer but now can’t go on bc I don’t have enough vacation time. I’m going on my in-laws’ trip bc that is the right thing to do, but I’m so annoyed that they think they’re treating me to some amazing gift when it’s really their own egos they’re treating.

Vent over.

Np Just curious but, do you think they should view it negatively? Like most people when they do something they think they are being generous and doing a nice thing. Do you think they are secretly saying "how can we really make Susie mad?" I know suggest we have a vacation for the whole family...and because we can't pay for everyone's airfare make them pay! ( insert evil laugh...ha ha ha)

If I were you since you are seeing this as a burden I would decline and let the other family members go. This way you don't have to deal or solve any of the problems.

[Anonymous]

my MIL tried to do this once.

She wanted all the families to fly to Europe - “I’ll pay for the house.”
It was the same place my husband and I had honeymooned less than 5 years prior and we had young kids. Absolutely no Interest in a trip like that.

It turns out that the only reason she even suggested the trip to us is that my BIL would be in the area for a work sponsored trip and MIL had already committed to fly out To help his wife meet him there with their young kids.

So, it didn’t have anything to do with our family at all and I still have no regrets in turning down the invitation.

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing they didn't think through all the potential effects (use of leave, travel costs) on others. Have your spouse discuss it with them.

[Anonymous]

My inlaws do this too. They can't imagine why we don't want to visit their timeshare. Yes the accommodations are paid for. But we'd need to shell out $2k for airfare and $300 a day in resort fees for our family. That is not a cheap vacation!!

So far we've declined because our kids have been really little and it just wasn't feasible. Maybe one year I'll think it's worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are always willing to pay for the airbnb--which they choose and can be cheapskates on--its by far the cheapest part of the trip compared to food/outings/rentals/air far. Then you get there and they expect all the kids to sleep on the living room floor and you and your DH to share a double bed.

^^^

Ex in laws pulled this crap too. They paid for the shared house. We were responsible for plane tickets, food etc. The last time we went, my then husband and I were supposed to sleep in twin beds that were on opposite ends of the room that we would be sharing with BIL, his wife and their toddler. Very young kids had a bedroom with their parents but otherwise were supposed to sleep in chairs or on the floor on a screened in porch. Never again.

Yeah mine have a vacation house with a huge 2nd story bunk room. All of us adults are supposed to sleep in the twin bunks. It's like basic training in the military and someone is bound to snore. I hadn't slept in a twin bed since I was 10 and I don't like bunking with my BILs and SILs. And of course someone's kid is up at 6am.

Oh hell no.
My ILs pulled this crap for years. There was a CURTAIN between “rooms” and they somehow thought that provided sufficient privacy. At one point I said “I don’t want to be able to hear the pop of the elastic of my SIL’s panties when she put them in in the morning.” That was graphic enough to get the point across.

[Anonymous]

I can empathize. My parents frequently go places for 2-6 weeks and give us little guilt trips about coming because they are paying for the airbnb and we can "pick any weekend we want" as if that makes it super easy to visit. I honestly think they don't understand how expensive flights are (they don't fly), how logistically complicated it is to get away in the middle of work/school (they worked, but it really was 9-5 when they worked, and commuting was a different animal, and the 24/hour email/cell cycle was just starting so they never participated in contemporary work culture).

We have gone maybe 1/10th of the times (they go 3-4 times a year). COVID has been a great excuse. There was one time we were financially hard up and my mom offered to pay for the flights, but reimburse me, and then she didn't...oh man, my husband was LIVID. Really tainted the whole experience. Then my mom said stuff like "Don't tell your dad" which makes zero sense to me: my dad is nice, and they are well off. We ate it, but never again unless we ALL agree and set the terms and pick the place and agree on costs.

If you can afford it I would go, but just this once. And if it comes up again just say "We had a nice time last summer but we can't spend vacation money on this every year. We'll see you Sunday at dinner!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It amazes me that people on DCUM have such rich families they are disappointed the parents don't offer to pay for flights in addition to accomodations. I can't even imagine.

Actually, these IL's spring for most things, so the spoiled DIL expects them to spring for EVERYTHING. So gross.