Spouse will not respect my need for sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a dealbreaker for me. Did she not do this when you were dating?

Do you have an extra bedroom? If so, move into it.

If not, one thing she REALLY needs to stop doing is watching videos in bed and waking you up to talk. That's just incredibly inconsiderate.

The showering and brushing teeth, it's hard for me to answer how to deal with that because I don't know how many bathrooms your house has. But at the very least, if you are stuck sharing bedroom with her and there is no extra bathroom, she should try to be very quiet.

When we were dating we were in our 20s and I could function on a little less sleep. We’d usually go to bed around the same time and chat but I also didn’t have to get up as early.

I definitely don’t expect her to stop getting ready, but she won’t honor small requests like asking if she’ll shut the bathroom door (which faces my bed). The phone playing music while she’s getting ready or her watching videos while laying next to me is what gets me irate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

I have always had chronic sleep issues including insomnia. It sometimes takes me awhile to fall asleep and there are times I wake up and take awhile to fall back to sleep. I’ve found keeping a consistent schedule helps my overall health and well being. I’d say my goal is 8 hours minimum, but 9 can happen. I do not have sleep apnea but chronic migraines and lack of sleep is a massive trigger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

I’m a woman but I find it interesting folks seem to be more critical under the assumption I am a man. I think gender is irrelevant to need for sleep. My father is exactly like me as far as sleep needs go. Highly genetic.

[Anonymous]

^not true, all people need 8 hours of sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to sleep early to avoid her?

how old are your kids? do they really need help getting ready for school?

do you always miss the kids bedtime?

how long have you been doing this? did you tell her the same when your kids were ready little ?

have you considered changing your behavior and stop being so rigid? go to bed a half hour later for example?

Why can’t the wife change her behavior and get up earlier if it’s really about “spending more time together,” instead of being a passive aggressive, childish twit?

Maybe she is tired from dealing with the kids all evening ?

OMG. If she is tired, SHE SHOULD GO TO SLEEP EARLIER.

NP. HOW CAN SHE IF THE ONLY OTHER ADULT IN THE HOUSEHOLD IS GETTING HIS BEAUTY SLEEP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think nine hours where your wife can’t use her bedroom like...her bedroom... is a little much. Especially if that’s her shower and bathroom and you’re THAT delicate a sleeper. Can you discuss a family lights out time? Like, after 10pm we always use headphones? That seems bare minimum she could do. Otherwise yes, move to the guest room or couch.

As long as you’re not on here complaining about your lack of a sex life I think it’s fine to prioritize your sleep over time together, but be honest it is what you’re doing.

I don’t want to give the impression I’m not allowing her to use her own bedroom. I definitely don’t expect her to go to bed when I do and then remain absolutely silent. My issue lies with her not respecting my need for sleep and making zero effort or even scoffing at me when I complain about how loud she is being at 12am. I’d also be more than open to sleeping in a different room so she can use her space as she pleases. Although neither of us love the idea of sleeping apart at night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what you are like in the morning? Are you quiet as a mouse as you start your day and get the kids ready?

I’m fairly quiet as I lay out my clothes the night before and change/get ready in the kids bathroom (not because I’m banished to that room, just because it’s easier as I’m getting kids ready too). She’s never mentioned me waking her up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

It’s very likely he needs the whole nine hours because it’s interrupted sleep. His wife finishes working at 10:30 and spends between 60-90 more minutes making noise. One hour between 9:30 and 10:30 is breaking up a sleep cycle.

Op- you either need to sleep in the guest room or compromise. Can you do 10/10:30 for both and maybe a little later on the weekends?

I go bed much later on weekends. We usually go to bed at the same time if there is no work/school the next day. My kids sleep in a bit and I don’t need as much sleep if I’m not working the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

I’m a woman but I find it interesting folks seem to be more critical under the assumption I am a man. I think gender is irrelevant to need for sleep. My father is exactly like me as far as sleep needs go. Highly genetic.

You are right gender is irrelevant, but unfortunately some and really I just think it's 1 or 2 who don't know how to offer advice on an issue unless it involves a husband being the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

I have always had chronic sleep issues including insomnia. It sometimes takes me awhile to fall asleep and there are times I wake up and take awhile to fall back to sleep. I’ve found keeping a consistent schedule helps my overall health and well being. I’d say my goal is 8 hours minimum, but 9 can happen. I do not have sleep apnea but chronic migraines and lack of sleep is a massive trigger.

I was wondering if I some how wrote this….this is my life too except my husband is much more understanding and I prioritize sleep and a consistent schedule very highly because of the reasons you stated. Separate rooms especially some of the time are ok when you have a sleep issue! My spouse understands this and also would not act the way you described. He actually needs more sleep than I do but is a much more consistent and hardy sleeper … I am so jealous. I find it really sad that your spouse is acting like this knowing it contributes to your migraines. Honestly I would ask for marriage counseling if she really cares this little about your health. I’m so sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to sleep early to avoid her?

how old are your kids? do they really need help getting ready for school?

do you always miss the kids bedtime?

how long have you been doing this? did you tell her the same when your kids were ready little ?

have you considered changing your behavior and stop being so rigid? go to bed a half hour later for example?

No, I adore my wife and she’s usually a very patient, kind person. I love spending time with her but sleep has always been a major priority for me. When our kids were young obviously they went out the window. However, during that time she was definitely getting more sleep than me as I was the one staying home and up at night nursing while she worked a pretty demanding job.

No, we both tuck the kids in together. They’re 7, 7 and 10 but are in bed by 8:30 and are free to read for about an hour.

Going to bed at 9:30/10? Since I started my current job, so for about 18 months. Previously I worked from home and went to bed later (10-11).

I often will actually fall asleep at 10, even if I’m bed by 9:30. I tend to do best on routines and sleep best when I keep to that weekly sleep routine. I do not do this on weekends or vacations. I’m sure many consider me rigid, but I’ve always always been routine oriented. Not sure if it’s relevant but I am autistic so routine can be a big part of that (as well as higher sleep needs).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. 9:30 is my adult bed time because I like to get up at 5:30 to exercise and get to work for 7.I need more sleep than spouse.

Same here--I used to have a work schedule that started at 9:30 am which was great because I'm naturally a night owl. When that changed to 7 am everything changed and now 9:30 feels late to me (I do read for awhile before I go to sleep--watching videos on her phone is a really bad habit when you go to bed. My phone stays downstairs. I got rid of the base charger for house phone when I learned that signing up for county emergency alerts meant the phone ringing at 2 am to tell me. . . there was thunder and lightning. No thank you)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you going to sleep early to avoid her?

how old are your kids? do they really need help getting ready for school?

do you always miss the kids bedtime?

how long have you been doing this? did you tell her the same when your kids were ready little ?

have you considered changing your behavior and stop being so rigid? go to bed a half hour later for example?

No, I adore my wife and she’s usually a very patient, kind person. I love spending time with her but sleep has always been a major priority for me. When our kids were young obviously they went out the window. However, during that time she was definitely getting more sleep than me as I was the one staying home and up at night nursing while she worked a pretty demanding job.

No, we both tuck the kids in together. They’re 7, 7 and 10 but are in bed by 8:30 and are free to read for about an hour.

Going to bed at 9:30/10? Since I started my current job, so for about 18 months. Previously I worked from home and went to bed later (10-11).

I often will actually fall asleep at 10, even if I’m bed by 9:30. I tend to do best on routines and sleep best when I keep to that weekly sleep routine. I do not do this on weekends or vacations. I’m sure many consider me rigid, but I’ve always always been routine oriented. Not sure if it’s relevant but I am autistic so routine can be a big part of that (as well as higher sleep needs).

I don't think what you are asking for is unreasonable, especially for her to not wake you up to talk or not to watch videos in bed while you are sleeping. I'm having a hard time understanding why she's digging in her heels about this. You may not want to , but the only way she might understand how serious you are is if you mention sleeping in another room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you doing housework and/or getting the kids off to school in the morning, so that she can sleep in?

I get them ready and fed. She takes them to school. I have to be at work at 8am. She has to be at work around 9am (her arrival times is more flexible) and their school is located next to her workplace.

But I’m very involved in childcare, probably more so than my wife just because I work less hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. 9:30 is my adult bed time because I like to get up at 5:30 to exercise and get to work for 7.I need more sleep than spouse.

Same here--I used to have a work schedule that started at 9:30 am which was great because I'm naturally a night owl. When that changed to 7 am everything changed and now 9:30 feels late to me (I do read for awhile before I go to sleep--watching videos on her phone is a really bad habit when you go to bed. My phone stays downstairs. I got rid of the base charger for house phone when I learned that signing up for county emergency alerts meant the phone ringing at 2 am to tell me. . . there was thunder and lightning. No thank you)

I don't get to bed at 9:30, but I can speak to what an improvement getting rid of my phone or computer before bed has made in my sleep. I'm an ADHDer so sleep is uber valuable to me.