Spouse will not respect my need for sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

My DH and I function similarly but I sure as hell do not feel entitled to come in, switch on all the lights and be as loud as possible. I actually brush my teeth and change in our downstairs powder room and walk into the bedroom as quietly as possible without touching any light switches. I know by now where the bed is. My DH leaves early in the morning as silently as he can and gets ready in the hall bathroom. I find what OP's wife does incredibly inconsiderate. She ignores her DH's basic need to get enough sleep to properly function despite him communicating it to her repeatedly. It almost sounds like she is intentionally trying to piss him off. OP, you should definitely not tolerate this. Make your point by moving to the guestroom and not coming back unless she adjusts her ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

My DH and I function similarly but I sure as hell do not feel entitled to come in, switch on all the lights and be as loud as possible. I actually brush my teeth and change in our downstairs powder room and walk into the bedroom as quietly as possible without touching any light switches. I know by now where the bed is. My DH leaves early in the morning as silently as he can and gets ready in the hall bathroom. I find what OP's wife does incredibly inconsiderate. She ignores her DH's basic need to get enough sleep to properly function despite him communicating it to her repeatedly. It almost sounds like she is intentionally trying to piss him off. OP, you should definitely not tolerate this. Make your point by moving to the guestroom and not coming back unless she adjusts her ways.

+1

OPs wife is a jerk.

[Anonymous]

This would be a dealbreaker for me. Did she not do this when you were dating?

Do you have an extra bedroom? If so, move into it.

If not, one thing she REALLY needs to stop doing is watching videos in bed and waking you up to talk. That's just incredibly inconsiderate.

The showering and brushing teeth, it's hard for me to answer how to deal with that because I don't know how many bathrooms your house has. But at the very least, if you are stuck sharing bedroom with her and there is no extra bathroom, she should try to be very quiet.

[Anonymous]

She’s being awfully mean. I keep a later schedule than DH but sneak around as quietly as possible and get ready for bed when he does anyway then I go back downstairs. Is she doing this because you are also passive aggressively loud in the morning?

[Anonymous]

Dealing with the same but fortunately we aren’t married. I’m one more sleepless night from telling him to move out. He already took over the guest room drawers and closet, so literally no need to come in our room making a ton of noise and turning on lights, but he does it anyway.

[Anonymous]

Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

[Anonymous]

She is upset he is going to bed at 9:30pm instead of investing time as a couple, and this is a passive aggressive way to deal.

You go to sleep at 9:30pm, sleep 8 hrs and get up at 5:30AM? You need to be at work at 8am, and DW actually takes the kids to school. So why not sleep until 7am, spend 1.5 hrs aligning with your DW schedule and then get to work by 8 am? Why are you waking sooo early — do your kids wake up that early?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

Or that I enjoy my dhs company?

[Anonymous]

You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the type of person who needs 8 hours to properly function. I go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up around 6:30am. DW needs less sleep and is genuinely on a different sleep schedule than me. She tends to go to bed at 11:30pm/12am and wakes up around 7:30am.

I get the kids ready for school and then head to work (I have to arrive by 8am). She takes the children to school and then goes to work (she arrives at 9am). This works our for us.

What doesn’t is that DW seems to not understand I need sleep. I go lay down at 9:30 lights out and she’ll come in from her office at 10:30/11 and make as much noise as possible with zero regards for me. This is literally the only thing we fight about but I’m so exhausted. She’ll turn on all the lights to get ready for bed, leave bathroom door open and loudly shower/brush teeth. What kills me the most is her watching videos on her phone without headphones knowing full well I will wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. She also will occasionally wake me up to chat. I get very grumpy and she responds by being upset that I’m upset she woke me up. I am a very sensitive sleeper and if I wake up, it’s usually hard for me to go back to sleep. I think it’s so disrespectful she makes no attempt to be quiet in our room when I’m asleep. When I wake up before her I stay quiet and let her rest till her awake time.

She doesn’t seem to grasp how exasperated I am and when I bring it up she calls me controlling and complains I should let her do what she wants in her room.

Yes, I’ve attempted sleeping headphones but they don’t always cancel out the noise she makes. I try to sleep with eye mask but sometimes it’s uncomfortable. I also sleep with a sound machine.

If I’m really exhausted I’ll sleep in guess bedroom so I can’t be woken up but it always upsets her as she wants to always cosleep. I also prefer sleeping in the same room/bed as her but not if she’s going to wake me up nightly and keep me from getting a full nights rest.

When kids were young I was the one who got up usually because I stayed home. However now that I work I need the rest to perform where I need to perform mentally.

I don’t know how to make her understand I’m getting to my breaking point.

Your wife sounds like an asshole to be frank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

Or that I enjoy my dhs company?

Does not trump his need to get adequate rest that only he determines so we're back to immature, selfish jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

Np I think this person is trying to explain the wife’s passive aggressive behavior. She’s not happy with essentially not having a dh at night. I went to bed at 9 when I was pregnant and exhausted but it really impacted my marriage. Luckily mine was short term. I’d assume someone going to bed that early had health issues