Spouse will not respect my need for sleep

[Anonymous]

I’m the type of person who needs 8 hours to properly function. I go to bed at 9:30pm and wake up around 6:30am. DW needs less sleep and is genuinely on a different sleep schedule than me. She tends to go to bed at 11:30pm/12am and wakes up around 7:30am.

I get the kids ready for school and then head to work (I have to arrive by 8am). She takes the children to school and then goes to work (she arrives at 9am). This works our for us.

What doesn’t is that DW seems to not understand I need sleep. I go lay down at 9:30 lights out and she’ll come in from her office at 10:30/11 and make as much noise as possible with zero regards for me. This is literally the only thing we fight about but I’m so exhausted. She’ll turn on all the lights to get ready for bed, leave bathroom door open and loudly shower/brush teeth. What kills me the most is her watching videos on her phone without headphones knowing full well I will wake up and not be able to go back to sleep. She also will occasionally wake me up to chat. I get very grumpy and she responds by being upset that I’m upset she woke me up. I am a very sensitive sleeper and if I wake up, it’s usually hard for me to go back to sleep. I think it’s so disrespectful she makes no attempt to be quiet in our room when I’m asleep. When I wake up before her I stay quiet and let her rest till her awake time.

She doesn’t seem to grasp how exasperated I am and when I bring it up she calls me controlling and complains I should let her do what she wants in her room.

Yes, I’ve attempted sleeping headphones but they don’t always cancel out the noise she makes. I try to sleep with eye mask but sometimes it’s uncomfortable. I also sleep with a sound machine.

If I’m really exhausted I’ll sleep in guess bedroom so I can’t be woken up but it always upsets her as she wants to always cosleep. I also prefer sleeping in the same room/bed as her but not if she’s going to wake me up nightly and keep me from getting a full nights rest.

When kids were young I was the one who got up usually because I stayed home. However now that I work I need the rest to perform where I need to perform mentally.

I don’t know how to make her understand I’m getting to my breaking point.

[Anonymous]

Separate bedrooms. Go sleep in the guest room if you have one.

[Anonymous]

Move to the guest bedroom. If she wants you back she’ll need to compromise on all her other activities. I would just do it and not discuss. This is your boundary — I’m going to sleep separately because I just cannot get back to sleep after waking up, and there’s too much noise from XYZ activities. I need my sleep for my health. Put white noise in the hall and get earplugs.

[Anonymous]

Try spending an hour with her before you go to bed.

[Anonymous]

Man this is a tough one. Very inconsiderate. I deal with something similar. Wife makes all kinds of noise early in the morning, puts the dog out at 6:30 am and he goes outside and barks his head off, she just leaves him out until he is done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Man this is a tough one. Very inconsiderate. I deal with something similar. Wife makes all kinds of noise early in the morning, puts the dog out at 6:30 am and he goes outside and barks his head off, she just leaves him out until he is done.

Your neighbors must hate you. I live in a neighborhood where everyone has 2+ acres and this is still not enough space for inconsiderate owners of barking dogs.

[Anonymous]

Definitely sleep in a separate bedroom. Let her sulk. Who cares. If you can’t get enough sleep, and she knows it she is just being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Move to the guest bedroom. If she wants you back she’ll need to compromise on all her other activities. I would just do it and not discuss. This is your boundary — I’m going to sleep separately because I just cannot get back to sleep after waking up, and there’s too much noise from XYZ activities. I need my sleep for my health. Put white noise in the hall and get earplugs.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Separate bedrooms. Go sleep in the guest room if you have one.

This. I've had my own room since DD was born and I LOVE IT. I can be a night owl, DH asleep at 10pm latest. It's so liberating.

[Anonymous]

Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man this is a tough one. Very inconsiderate. I deal with something similar. Wife makes all kinds of noise early in the morning, puts the dog out at 6:30 am and he goes outside and barks his head off, she just leaves him out until he is done.

Your neighbors must hate you. I live in a neighborhood where everyone has 2+ acres and this is still not enough space for inconsiderate owners of barking dogs.

Wow, your wife is a horrible neighbor. I feel so sorry for your neighbors.

[Anonymous]

Your wife can't have it both ways. By not even attempting to get ready for bed quietly she's being very inconsiderate. Sleep in the guest bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man this is a tough one. Very inconsiderate. I deal with something similar. Wife makes all kinds of noise early in the morning, puts the dog out at 6:30 am and he goes outside and barks his head off, she just leaves him out until he is done.

Your neighbors must hate you. I live in a neighborhood where everyone has 2+ acres and this is still not enough space for inconsiderate owners of barking dogs.

Wow, your wife is a horrible neighbor. I feel so sorry for your neighbors.

I have said this to her many many times. She feels bad because he wants to eat. I showed her that if you put him out first, he runs out, goes to bathroom then comes right back to eat. Feed him first then he runs around barking for 15 minutes. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

C’mon. It’s common courtesy to be quiet in the bedroom when your partner is sleeping. That’s true for the person last to bed and the first person awake. Op’s wife could close the bathroom door so her spouse wouldn’t have to deal with the light and noise.

Op, in your shoes I’d just go to the guest room. Maybe try talking to her first. It sounds like you’ve tried that though and she doesn’t want to hear it.

[Anonymous]

You and your wife cannot share the same space during the hours when you are sleeping and she is not. So, either she does all of the other late-night stuff (calls/videos/shower/etc) elsewhere, or you sleep elsewhere. Up to her.