Spouse will not respect my need for sleep

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If there's something about the current arrangement OP's wife doesn't like why isn't she saying something about it? OP, have you asked her why she continues to be so inconsiderate?

I don’t use words like inconsiderate with her but I’ve expressed how much it frustrates me. She just seems to dismiss my concerns, which is unlike her in regards to everything else aside from sleep. I do think it annoys her I go to sleep early on weekdays. But on the flip side the nights I push myself and stay up later my work performance suffers and I end up being a major grouch and she’ll make comments about me needing more sleep. I do not know why this has become such a major issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you doing housework and/or getting the kids off to school in the morning, so that she can sleep in?

I get them ready and fed. She takes them to school. I have to be at work at 8am. She has to be at work around 9am (her arrival times is more flexible) and their school is located next to her workplace.

But I’m very involved in childcare, probably more so than my wife just because I work less hours.

Wait you work part time AND sleep more. Do you pick up the kids and make dinner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

I have always had chronic sleep issues including insomnia. It sometimes takes me awhile to fall asleep and there are times I wake up and take awhile to fall back to sleep. I’ve found keeping a consistent schedule helps my overall health and well being. I’d say my goal is 8 hours minimum, but 9 can happen. I do not have sleep apnea but chronic migraines and lack of sleep is a massive trigger.

I was wondering if I some how wrote this….this is my life too except my husband is much more understanding and I prioritize sleep and a consistent schedule very highly because of the reasons you stated. Separate rooms especially some of the time are ok when you have a sleep issue! My spouse understands this and also would not act the way you described. He actually needs more sleep than I do but is a much more consistent and hardy sleeper … I am so jealous. I find it really sad that your spouse is acting like this knowing it contributes to your migraines. Honestly I would ask for marriage counseling if she really cares this little about your health. I’m so sorry.

I honestly just think people who need less sleep don’t “get it”. I hate to simplify it that way, but a lot of these responses make it clear many think I’m being “selfish” with my need for consistent sleep. It’s very much possible my wife feels the same way because she can function on less sleep. Perhaps she thinks I’m being dramatic with the sleep situation and so doesn’t take my annoyance seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

What?! No. Sleep is essential and she's being an absolute jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

I have always had chronic sleep issues including insomnia. It sometimes takes me awhile to fall asleep and there are times I wake up and take awhile to fall back to sleep. I’ve found keeping a consistent schedule helps my overall health and well being. I’d say my goal is 8 hours minimum, but 9 can happen. I do not have sleep apnea but chronic migraines and lack of sleep is a massive trigger.

I was wondering if I some how wrote this….this is my life too except my husband is much more understanding and I prioritize sleep and a consistent schedule very highly because of the reasons you stated. Separate rooms especially some of the time are ok when you have a sleep issue! My spouse understands this and also would not act the way you described. He actually needs more sleep than I do but is a much more consistent and hardy sleeper … I am so jealous. I find it really sad that your spouse is acting like this knowing it contributes to your migraines. Honestly I would ask for marriage counseling if she really cares this little about your health. I’m so sorry.

I honestly just think people who need less sleep don’t “get it”. I hate to simplify it that way, but a lot of these responses make it clear many think I’m being “selfish” with my need for consistent sleep. It’s very much possible my wife feels the same way because she can function on less sleep. Perhaps she thinks I’m being dramatic with the sleep situation and so doesn’t take my annoyance seriously.

I get it. I don't need much sleep.Never have. It used to frustrate my mother that I'd be wide awake at 10:00 Pm as a kid. Fortunately I grew up with siblings who needed more sleep sp I learned to be a bot more tolerant and quieter at night, and I think they learned how to do the same on the other end.
All I can think is maybe your wife feels judged for staying up late and being on screens? I really can't think of any other reason where she wouldn't at least try to be a little quieter. Are you srue there's not something else going on , because that just sounds majorily unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

So bascially what you're saying is that 9 hours is far too many to sleep so she should be able to make whatever noise she wants? Ridiculous. Everyone doesn't require the same amount of hours of sleep and for you to argue that his sleep time is an issue is just crazy.

[Anonymous]

I will add I think a compromise is that hour between when you go to bed and the kids go to bed, that's when the two of you can talk or watch a show together and whatever video she wants to show you she shows you then, or sends it to you earlie in the day. And maybe you throw in a few date nights here and there so it doesn't feel like it's all about the kids.

But I think you need to draw a very clear boundary with the waking you up thing, and don't let her get away with trying to turn things back on you by claiming you are trying to control her, that's just manipulation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you doing housework and/or getting the kids off to school in the morning, so that she can sleep in?

I get them ready and fed. She takes them to school. I have to be at work at 8am. She has to be at work around 9am (her arrival times is more flexible) and their school is located next to her workplace.

But I’m very involved in childcare, probably more so than my wife just because I work less hours.

Wait you work part time AND sleep more. Do you pick up the kids and make dinner?

I work 35ish hours a week. Yes, I pick them up from school most days. Her job is flexible and she will usually do pick ups if a kid is sick or early release. I’m always off by 3pm. She sometimes works later in the evening if she’s super swamped (she gets more work done at her office than she does at home). Yes, I do the cooking but I really enjoy cooking and find it relaxing.

I didn’t work when my kids were small because childcare costs weren’t worth my paycheck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

I have always had chronic sleep issues including insomnia. It sometimes takes me awhile to fall asleep and there are times I wake up and take awhile to fall back to sleep. I’ve found keeping a consistent schedule helps my overall health and well being. I’d say my goal is 8 hours minimum, but 9 can happen. I do not have sleep apnea but chronic migraines and lack of sleep is a massive trigger.

I was wondering if I some how wrote this….this is my life too except my husband is much more understanding and I prioritize sleep and a consistent schedule very highly because of the reasons you stated. Separate rooms especially some of the time are ok when you have a sleep issue! My spouse understands this and also would not act the way you described. He actually needs more sleep than I do but is a much more consistent and hardy sleeper … I am so jealous. I find it really sad that your spouse is acting like this knowing it contributes to your migraines. Honestly I would ask for marriage counseling if she really cares this little about your health. I’m so sorry.

I honestly just think people who need less sleep don’t “get it”. I hate to simplify it that way, but a lot of these responses make it clear many think I’m being “selfish” with my need for consistent sleep. It’s very much possible my wife feels the same way because she can function on less sleep. Perhaps she thinks I’m being dramatic with the sleep situation and so doesn’t take my annoyance seriously.

I get it. I don't need much sleep.Never have. It used to frustrate my mother that I'd be wide awake at 10:00 Pm as a kid. Fortunately I grew up with siblings who needed more sleep sp I learned to be a bot more tolerant and quieter at night, and I think they learned how to do the same on the other end.
All I can think is maybe your wife feels judged for staying up late and being on screens? I really can't think of any other reason where she wouldn't at least try to be a little quieter. Are you srue there's not something else going on , because that just sounds majorily unreasonable.

I don’t think there are any other issues. She is known for bottling up her feelings while I’m the type to address issues as they come up. We’ve addressed this in the past with couples therapy and we both work on how we address conflict. She’s from the type of family where you couldn’t express any frustration with one another so it’s something she’s unlearning.

I think previous PPs are correct and that she’s upset I go to bed so early. Not because I’m not pulling my weight with the kids or household chores (I do the brunt of that, always have). It’s most likely because she’d like to spend time with me in the late evenings once the kids go to bed for awhile. We use to spend more time alone weekday evenings before I got my current job. I use to work from home and we’d go to bed around the same time and I imagine the transition is difficult. I think we’ll discuss it and while I’m not willing to compromise on sleep, I will work on making it up in other wise so I can prioritize child-free quality time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will add I think a compromise is that hour between when you go to bed and the kids go to bed, that's when the two of you can talk or watch a show together and whatever video she wants to show you she shows you then, or sends it to you earlie in the day. And maybe you throw in a few date nights here and there so it doesn't feel like it's all about the kids.

But I think you need to draw a very clear boundary with the waking you up thing, and don't let her get away with trying to turn things back on you by claiming you are trying to control her, that's just manipulation.

This sounds like a good compromise. Thank you!

[Anonymous]

It is hard to get ready for bed when it is dark outside and in your room with zero light. I’d give her a break with turning on a bathroom or closet light and whatever noise she makes getting ready. However, watching cell phones videos in bed next to a sleeping spouse is super rude. I’d draw the line there.

[Anonymous]

Being married sounds awesome. Where do I sign up?

[Anonymous]

You’re wife is probably aggravated by you because she’s taking care of your kids all day and night while you sleep and only work part time.

I can’t only imagine what a nightmare you were when your kids were babies and she was up all night with them so you could get your precious sleep.

Unless you have some sort of chronic illness, no grown man needs 10 hours of sleep at night.

Do your part. Why don’t you let her sleep in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re wife is probably aggravated by you because she’s taking care of your kids all day and night while you sleep and only work part time.

I can’t only imagine what a nightmare you were when your kids were babies and she was up all night with them so you could get your precious sleep.

Unless you have some sort of chronic illness, no grown man needs 10 hours of sleep at night.

Do your part. Why don’t you let her sleep in?

You should really try reading the thread before responding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will add I think a compromise is that hour between when you go to bed and the kids go to bed, that's when the two of you can talk or watch a show together and whatever video she wants to show you she shows you then, or sends it to you earlie in the day. And maybe you throw in a few date nights here and there so it doesn't feel like it's all about the kids.

But I think you need to draw a very clear boundary with the waking you up thing, and don't let her get away with trying to turn things back on you by claiming you are trying to control her, that's just manipulation.

This sounds like a good compromise. Thank you!

A few sessions back at couple's therapy may help too