Spouse will not respect my need for sleep

[Anonymous]

I think nine hours where your wife can’t use her bedroom like...her bedroom... is a little much. Especially if that’s her shower and bathroom and you’re THAT delicate a sleeper. Can you discuss a family lights out time? Like, after 10pm we always use headphones? That seems bare minimum she could do. Otherwise yes, move to the guest room or couch.

As long as you’re not on here complaining about your lack of a sex life I think it’s fine to prioritize your sleep over time together, but be honest it is what you’re doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

9 hours is excessive for a healthy adult.

Furthermore, why not 10-7, which would give some time with DW?

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I’m the night owl, and spouse wakes at 6 am for conference calls.
Home office is in our bedroom. Stop complaining.

[Anonymous]

Sit down with her and work out a compromise. 9:30 seems pretty early to go to bed, maybe you can stay up till 10, sleep an extra half hour in the morning and then she doesn’t feel the need to wake you up because you have that extra time together? Could you get a lamp with a low wattage numb she could turn off if she needs to find something?

Either way, she is being pretty rude. I am a night out and don’t need to turn on the lights to get into my PJs. Our bathroom is down the hall so that isn’t an issue, and DH leaves his clothes for the next day in there because he gets up earlier than I do. Neither of us wake the other up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

Np I think this person is trying to explain the wife’s passive aggressive behavior. She’s not happy with essentially not having a dh at night. I went to bed at 9 when I was pregnant and exhausted but it really impacted my marriage. Luckily mine was short term. I’d assume someone going to bed that early had health issues

There's no explaining or justifying the wife's behavior that's the point. She doesn't get to demand her husband stay awake longer. If she would like to find away to spend more time with him if that's in fact what she wants she needs to communicate that like an adult and not like an immature asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I’d be upset if my dh went to bed at 9:30...

All that says about you is that you are immature, selfish, controlling a jerk...

DP. OP is sleeping NINE hours. That is the issue. That’s odd.

( hours of sleep is not odd. What is odd is you trying to find a way to attack op because you assume he's a man. What is odd, immature, and selfish is OP's wife behaving the way she does when OP is trying to sleep/

9 hours is excessive for a healthy adult.

Furthermore, why not 10-7, which would give some time with DW?

1. It's not excessive.

2. OP says nothing about his wife wanting more time with him, you are projecting that to justify her abusive behavior becayse she's a woman. Stop your misandry..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just to be clear, you are talking about 1-1.5 hours’ difference between when you go to bed and when she does. I agree that it is inconsiderate that she makes noise and turns on lights while you are sleeping, but given that it’s her room too, I think it is also inconsiderate of you to require that she come to bed silently and in the dark. Where is she supposed to shower and brush her teeth if not in her bathroom?

I would try again with sleep masks and headphones. Maybe it doesn’t work great for you, but it seems reasonable that if you are asking her to come to bed in a way that doesn’t disturb you that you should try to be as difficult to disturb as possible given that she also has needs and is entitled to use her own bathroom for normal stuff.

If the routine just isn’t working for you anymore, talk about that. Moving to guest room is an option. Synchronizing bedtime is an option. But right now you are both expecting the other to just do what you want without compromising at all. That’s not a solution.

My DH and I function similarly but I sure as hell do not feel entitled to come in, switch on all the lights and be as loud as possible. I actually brush my teeth and change in our downstairs powder room and walk into the bedroom as quietly as possible without touching any light switches. I know by now where the bed is. My DH leaves early in the morning as silently as he can and gets ready in the hall bathroom. I find what OP's wife does incredibly inconsiderate. She ignores her DH's basic need to get enough sleep to properly function despite him communicating it to her repeatedly. It almost sounds like she is intentionally trying to piss him off. OP, you should definitely not tolerate this. Make your point by moving to the guestroom and not coming back unless she adjusts her ways.

Exactly. The posters trying to make the wife's behavior seem ok are disgusting.

[Anonymous]

I go to bed 2h before DW most nights. She’s never once done any of the things OP complains about. She either uses her phone flashlight or turns on the bathroom light in order to get pajamas on, closes the door to the bathroom while she brushes her teeth etc., and generally tries to be reasonable about keeping the noise down. Of course it wakes me but only for about 10 minutes and then we go to sleep together. Assuming OP is accurately describing what’s going on here, it’s pretty clear that his wife is doing this precisely in order to piss him off, and is taking out her anger because she is upset about some deeper issues in their marriage.

[Anonymous]

My dh needs to go to sleep much earlier than I do, and I usually can't sleep until two hours after he has gone to bed. He always gets up before me.

I get ready to go to bed when he does. Wash face, change into night clothes. When I finally come up I use the hall bathroom instead of the master bathroom, and try to make as little noise as possible. We have motion sensitive night lights.

My dh does the reverse in the am; he has all this clothes ready and just goes in the bathroom to take a shower. I can usually sleep through it.

It can be done if she wants to do it.

[Anonymous]

Have you asked her what you are like in the morning? Are you quiet as a mouse as you start your day and get the kids ready?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are going to sleep at 9:30 and waking at 6:30 — that is 9 hours!

Do you have sleep apnea or other health conditions?

It’s very likely he needs the whole nine hours because it’s interrupted sleep. His wife finishes working at 10:30 and spends between 60-90 more minutes making noise. One hour between 9:30 and 10:30 is breaking up a sleep cycle.

Op- you either need to sleep in the guest room or compromise. Can you do 10/10:30 for both and maybe a little later on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

Your wife is sleeping 7.5 hours, sleep deprivAtion is part of having kids. I am sure that she is really unhappy about this and this is a passive aggressive way to punish you

[Anonymous]

To be this prissy about sleep, you better be a surgeon or someone bringing home $$$$$

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To be this prissy about sleep, you better be a surgeon or someone bringing home $$$$$

Why on earth? Some people need more sleep to function. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. I would gladly sleep ten hours if I could, nine is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would be a dealbreaker for me. Did she not do this when you were dating?

Do you have an extra bedroom? If so, move into it.

If not, one thing she REALLY needs to stop doing is watching videos in bed and waking you up to talk. That's just incredibly inconsiderate.

The showering and brushing teeth, it's hard for me to answer how to deal with that because I don't know how many bathrooms your house has. But at the very least, if you are stuck sharing bedroom with her and there is no extra bathroom, she should try to be very quiet.

If they have a guest room, it’s likely a decent sized house and not an apartment. Wife is being rude. Shower and watch videos in the guest bathroom/bedroom (or other bathroom) when someone is trying to sleep. If she refuses, then OP should move to sleeping in the guest room and ignore any whining.