Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She obviously does not want to be a parent. Impossible to know if this is new, or she lied in the beginning.

You either accept having no children, or get a divorce asap. She's wasting your time right now by being dishonest with you.

And he is wasting her time. DW will be okay as will probably marry a peer ..hot doctor and live a fabulous child free life. OP sounds like a drag. OP do her a favor and move on.

The wife is going to age prematurely and be damaged goods. The peer “hot doctors” will find someone younger and hotter.

She won’t age prematurely if she is child-free. Jealous much!

You sound really dense. No one is jealous.

First, many women without kids can still prematurely age and look older. Second, many moms with kids still are very attractive.

It comes down to how well you take care of yourself and genetics. Having or not having kids is not indicative to whether you will prematurely age or how good you will look when you get older. A demanding and stressful job is probably just as taxing on the body as raising kids.

We don’t even know if OPs wife is “ hot”. Being a doctor doesn’t automatically you hot, just like being a man doesn’t automatically make you attractive. You sound like a teenager with very little concept of how this actually works.

[Anonymous]

Are you willing to be the Default Parent? If so, research what that means (it means doing ALL the unseen mental and emotional load of parenting) and tell you are ready to take a step back from work to take that on. Especially since her career is so busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

Without knowing either of you, my guess would be that she is afraid of change and adding more stress into what is already a very stressful schedule. She may feel that she would not be able to continue to do all that she currently does for her job. My suggestion would be to have a definite game plan of what would happen after the baby is born. You said you can work reduced hours. Have a plan for who would watch the baby while you're working the reduced hours. Formulate a plan for paternity leave. Offer to be the one to interview potential nannies, if you go that route, or visit the potential daycares. Research a sitter for weekends, etc. Have a definite game plan for various scenarios. Having a child is a huge lifestyle change and commitment, and she may be overwhelmed by all of the potential "what ifs."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

What a bizarre comment. Why would you assume he isn't prepared to do half the parenting work?

Not who you are responding to but A LOT of men do NOT do much parenting work at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

What a bizarre comment. Why would you assume he isn't prepared to do half the parenting work?

Not who you are responding to but A LOT of men do NOT do much parenting work at all.

Agree- the majority of men do very little even when the woman has a more pressing job. Stop whining Oap + move on to a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I truly hate the number of sexist trolls who have taken over this forum , who defend the woman no matter what.


The truth is they agreed to have children, OP still wants children. He needs to know if his wife does or not she owes him an answer and if she does not, it's time to part ways.

Women and men defending women isnt sexist. Women do not hold most of the important power in the gender system, men do.

[Anonymous]

I'm not sure it's a good sign you are arguing about this to the point of sleeping in different rooms when you discuss it.

I think it's fair to ask for a timeline from her. Not a "let's discuss in 6 months" thing. But when she reasonably thinks this would fit into your (her?) lives.

But the intensity of this discussion feels like it's gotten too big. I'd suggest a neutral 3rd party, aka: therapist.

And it may be time to start contemplating what you want your life to look like if she decides she does not want children. Do you stay? Do you go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure it's a good sign you are arguing about this to the point of sleeping in different rooms when you discuss it.

I think it's fair to ask for a timeline from her. Not a "let's discuss in 6 months" thing. But when she reasonably thinks this would fit into your (her?) lives.

But the intensity of this discussion feels like it's gotten too big. I'd suggest a neutral 3rd party, aka: therapist.

And it may be time to start contemplating what you want your life to look like if she decides she does not want children. Do you stay? Do you go?

Therapy can go on for years. In your case OP, therapy would only serve your wife’s goal here: delay long enough until biology prevents you from being a dad.

Divorce your wife if you are serious about becoming a dad. Your current wife’s actions have been crystal clear on her intentions. She will not change, sorry.

Time for you act.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I truly hate the number of sexist trolls who have taken over this forum , who defend the woman no matter what.


The truth is they agreed to have children, OP still wants children. He needs to know if his wife does or not she owes him an answer and if she does not, it's time to part ways.

Women and men defending women isnt sexist. Women do not hold most of the important power in the gender system, men do.

You aren't defending women. You are just attacking men and being a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

[Anonymous]

Going to link a thread that the majority gave good and correct advice because it wasn't overtaken by the manhating troll.


https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/30/1004236.page#20951562

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have always discussed having at least one child. Even before we were married, we knew we wanted at least one. She’s a physician and works a wild schedule. About 2 years ago, I started bringing up the conversation of starting our family and she was quick to say we could revisit the topic in 6 months when maybe her schedule would be a little more decent. It has now been 2 years of this cycle. She continues to take more and more on at work. Joining new committees, leading new initiatives, and even more on-call NOC rotations. The last conversation we had about it ended with a big argument and I haven’t brought it up since. I don’t want to be 50 and dropping my child off at kindergarten.

Are 'no children' cause for divorce, or not, in your situation, OP??

[Anonymous]

I understand it's hard and sad but if having kids is a priority to you you guys are now incompatible and it's time to move on. It's okay for her to change her mind (though it's not okay to string you along, though she may genuinely just be unsure but she should have communicated that). It's okay for this to be a deal breaker for you though.

If you want to give it one more try, have a couple sessions with a counselor to hash things out with someone else present.

But honestly, it might be time to start calling lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

[Anonymous]

Are you guys still having sex? Maybe an accident will happen. Don’t give up.