Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

This is a 100% dealbreaker and I would dump her ASAP. Even if she is otherwise the ideal unicorn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go to therapy for help in ending the marriage. Ideally, she will participate, but if she refuses, go alone to resolve all issues before starting a new family. Delay will only increase your resentment. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, but this difference seems irreconciliable.

If she lied, I think she did something bad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

She can choose not to have children. He can choose to have them with someone else. She can't control his reproductive choices.

Sure a woman can choose not to have kids. But when she does that after having the pre-marriage discussion where she said she was interested in having kids, that is a fundamental break in the foundation for the marriage. She can change her mind all she wants but there are consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

Pretty sure that it is not that hard to find someone and have kids if you are a 33 year old guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

She can choose not to have children. He can choose to have them with someone else. She can't control his reproductive choices.

Sure a woman can choose not to have kids. But when she does that after having the pre-marriage discussion where she said she was interested in having kids, that is a fundamental break in the foundation for the marriage. She can change her mind all she wants but there are consequences.

+1000.

On the upside, OP, I heard from friends the dating market is red hot right now, following the isolation during Covid.

There are tons of successful, intelligent, attractive women in DC in your age range, plus many are actually interested in having a child with a spouse like you who isn’t afraid of the commitment of becoming a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

I was totally with you OP and even posted that I wanted your #. But when she is pregnant with back pain, knee pain, crazy hormones fluctuations and she slips and says something less than perfect are you going to make her sleep across the way again? Take her butt pillow? Father material would offer to take the guest room so she wouldn't be cold/have menstrual pain/etc. BTW normal men buy their wife tampons, fluff her pillows, and warm the bed when she is menstruating and subsequently bring her pillows and food when she is pregnant.

I’m under the impression that she chose to sleep in a different room. What are you even talking about regarding tampons? Has nothing to do with it. He didn’t say I kicked her out and made her sleep in a different room. Usually if you’re the one with the issue, you sleep in a different room. Why would he have to give up the master if he doesn’t have an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

but everyone who wants the chance to have kids should have it. Ive' known many couples who divorced or split of over this issue. It's not misogyny to want children! it's a dealbreaker issue.

The real misogyny in this thread are all the women who automatically side with the woman, even when they would have the have the opposite advice if the sexes were reversed in this situation.

People aren’t “automatically sid[ing] with the woman,” they are discussing things for OP to explore (perhaps in marriage counseling) to fully understand his wife’s thinking before jumping to any conclusions. Unlike some people here jumping straight to divorce, reasonable people who respect the institution of marriage want to make sure there’s no resolving this issue and saving the marriage before abandoning it.

[Anonymous]

I think she is afraid. Afraid that she will lose herself by becoming a mother. Too much of the parenting burden is put on the mom. Mothers have to cook, clean, nuture, work full time (sometimes), arrange for education needs, get kids to after school programs and be ready for sex. It's A LOT. Many millennial women don't want this life so quickly. In DC area it's not uncommon for women to have the first child in their late 30s.

Don't attack her (not saying that you are). These are very valid concerns. Ask her why she wants to delay. If a few of these reasons come up, then I think it's up to you to assure her how you plan to be involved and what sacrifices YOU will make so that she can balance it all. That might give her more comfort and get y'all across the line here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is important to you, then bring it up. Make an appointment: “I know you are really busy. I’d like to find some time where we can both sit down and talk through some important issues without interruption. What are some times where that can happen?” Then share what’s going on. Ask her point blank: Are you still interested in having kids?

This. You need to be clear that not having kids is a deal breaker for you. How old are you both? If she's a doctor then she knows that a woman's fertility starts to drop at 30. Unless you're both 27, I would say that you need to start trying within 2 months or you leave. Don't pressure her to have kids, but just be clear that you won't stay without it.
Also discuss childcare, division of childcare and domestic labor, etc. How do you plan to support the children's needs and keep up with domestic tasks? Nanny, daycare, weekly cleaner, meal planning, etc.?

NP. This post started out sounding reasonable until the bolded part. How is it NOT pressure to tell someone that unless she does as you want, by a certain specific date, her marriage is over? Yes, PP, that is absolutely pressure. It's likelier to drive the DW away than to make her say yes.

I haven't read the whole thread so tough if this has been covered but the post above pi$$ed me off, so.

OP, have you actually talked to her? The good idea in the post above is actually scheduling a talk rather than trying to bring this up on the fly, whenever. Do not do it when she has to start a Zoom meeting in an hour's time. Or when she's heading out the door in 30 minutes. This is a long conversation to have and you should script yourself first so you don't wing it or flounder. And you need to listen to her, not just list your reasons. She might have seen things, especially during the pandemic, that have made her have MUCH more trepidation about having a baby, or raisiing a baby in today's world, than she had back when she said she was interested in having kids eventually. Has she talked about that? Have you asked?

And as an early poster noted: Her past two years are not the same as your past two years. I really wonder if you and she communicate well overall. I'm guessing not, and think you should start doing so, and strongly consider getting couples counseling so you have a neutral third party to work with you both, if there are issues re: children. Also: You loved her enough to marry her, right? Does your love vanish if she is having struggles with the idea of kids? Why, if you love her as a person, would you not want to help her be happier, more at peace, deal with any issues she's having, before you get into "have my baby or else I'm gone?"

Finally, I love how PPs like the one above and many others here just assume: "Leave her and find another woman, it's easy!" As if you'll find a woman you want to live with and raise children with, within the ideal time frame ASAP so you're not "dropping my kid off at kindergarten when I'm 50." This happens a lot on DCUM, though -- people blithely assuming they can just end their marriages and will find spouses/partners/baby mamas or baby daddies quickly and things will work out perfectly in just the right time frame for everyone's biological clocks.

Pretty naive thinking with zero accounting for things like infertility issues or those baby mamas/daddies being humans with careers, or existing children already, or a need to, you know, actually spend time getting to know you before agreeing to marry and start having children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like she doesn’t want to lose you because she most likely knows not having children is a dealbreaker for you. Definitely not going to be making any babies if she’s sleeping in the guest room. You know what you need to do yet you still haven’t left. My guess is she’s hot, successful, and you'll stay with her despite not being fulfilled because you don’t think you’ll ever find anyone else like her. Same reason why she keeps you on the hook. She doesn’t want to lose you either.

I’m shocked by the posts inciting OP to divorce his wife just because she doesn’t want children. It’s not 1995 Bosnia people. A woman can choose to not have children. Shake my head at some of the misogyny on this thread. Go read the Handmaids Tale before you condemn a woman for not having kids.

but everyone who wants the chance to have kids should have it. Ive' known many couples who divorced or split of over this issue. It's not misogyny to want children! it's a dealbreaker issue.

The real misogyny in this thread are all the women who automatically side with the woman, even when they would have the have the opposite advice if the sexes were reversed in this situation.

People aren’t “automatically sid[ing] with the woman,” they are discussing things for OP to explore (perhaps in marriage counseling) to fully understand his wife’s thinking before jumping to any conclusions. Unlike some people here jumping straight to divorce, reasonable people who respect the institution of marriage want to make sure there’s no resolving this issue and saving the marriage before abandoning it.

No it's the mentally ill posters who just hate men. If OP was a woman they'd be telling her to leave.. Children are a dealbreaker issue, one you don't get to kick the can on and " go to counseling for" They both know what they do and do not want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is important to you, then bring it up. Make an appointment: “I know you are really busy. I’d like to find some time where we can both sit down and talk through some important issues without interruption. What are some times where that can happen?” Then share what’s going on. Ask her point blank: Are you still interested in having kids?

This. You need to be clear that not having kids is a deal breaker for you. How old are you both? If she's a doctor then she knows that a woman's fertility starts to drop at 30. Unless you're both 27, I would say that you need to start trying within 2 months or you leave. Don't pressure her to have kids, but just be clear that you won't stay without it.
Also discuss childcare, division of childcare and domestic labor, etc. How do you plan to support the children's needs and keep up with domestic tasks? Nanny, daycare, weekly cleaner, meal planning, etc.?

NP. This post started out sounding reasonable until the bolded part. How is it NOT pressure to tell someone that unless she does as you want, by a certain specific date, her marriage is over? Yes, PP, that is absolutely pressure. It's likelier to drive the DW away than to make her say yes.

I haven't read the whole thread so tough if this has been covered but the post above pi$$ed me off, so.

OP, have you actually talked to her? The good idea in the post above is actually scheduling a talk rather than trying to bring this up on the fly, whenever. Do not do it when she has to start a Zoom meeting in an hour's time. Or when she's heading out the door in 30 minutes. This is a long conversation to have and you should script yourself first so you don't wing it or flounder. And you need to listen to her, not just list your reasons. She might have seen things, especially during the pandemic, that have made her have MUCH more trepidation about having a baby, or raisiing a baby in today's world, than she had back when she said she was interested in having kids eventually. Has she talked about that? Have you asked?

And as an early poster noted: Her past two years are not the same as your past two years. I really wonder if you and she communicate well overall. I'm guessing not, and think you should start doing so, and strongly consider getting couples counseling so you have a neutral third party to work with you both, if there are issues re: children. Also: You loved her enough to marry her, right? Does your love vanish if she is having struggles with the idea of kids? Why, if you love her as a person, would you not want to help her be happier, more at peace, deal with any issues she's having, before you get into "have my baby or else I'm gone?"

Finally, I love how PPs like the one above and many others here just assume: "Leave her and find another woman, it's easy!" As if you'll find a woman you want to live with and raise children with, within the ideal time frame ASAP so you're not "dropping my kid off at kindergarten when I'm 50." This happens a lot on DCUM, though -- people blithely assuming they can just end their marriages and will find spouses/partners/baby mamas or baby daddies quickly and things will work out perfectly in just the right time frame for everyone's biological clocks.

Pretty naive thinking with zero accounting for things like infertility issues or those baby mamas/daddies being humans with careers, or existing children already, or a need to, you know, actually spend time getting to know you before agreeing to marry and start having children.

OP Will have no problem finding a wife who wants children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this is important to you, then bring it up. Make an appointment: “I know you are really busy. I’d like to find some time where we can both sit down and talk through some important issues without interruption. What are some times where that can happen?” Then share what’s going on. Ask her point blank: Are you still interested in having kids?

This. You need to be clear that not having kids is a deal breaker for you. How old are you both? If she's a doctor then she knows that a woman's fertility starts to drop at 30. Unless you're both 27, I would say that you need to start trying within 2 months or you leave. Don't pressure her to have kids, but just be clear that you won't stay without it.
Also discuss childcare, division of childcare and domestic labor, etc. How do you plan to support the children's needs and keep up with domestic tasks? Nanny, daycare, weekly cleaner, meal planning, etc.?

NP. This post started out sounding reasonable until the bolded part. How is it NOT pressure to tell someone that unless she does as you want, by a certain specific date, her marriage is over? Yes, PP, that is absolutely pressure. It's likelier to drive the DW away than to make her say yes.

I haven't read the whole thread so tough if this has been covered but the post above pi$$ed me off, so.

OP, have you actually talked to her? The good idea in the post above is actually scheduling a talk rather than trying to bring this up on the fly, whenever. Do not do it when she has to start a Zoom meeting in an hour's time. Or when she's heading out the door in 30 minutes. This is a long conversation to have and you should script yourself first so you don't wing it or flounder. And you need to listen to her, not just list your reasons. She might have seen things, especially during the pandemic, that have made her have MUCH more trepidation about having a baby, or raisiing a baby in today's world, than she had back when she said she was interested in having kids eventually. Has she talked about that? Have you asked?

And as an early poster noted: Her past two years are not the same as your past two years. I really wonder if you and she communicate well overall. I'm guessing not, and think you should start doing so, and strongly consider getting couples counseling so you have a neutral third party to work with you both, if there are issues re: children. Also: You loved her enough to marry her, right? Does your love vanish if she is having struggles with the idea of kids? Why, if you love her as a person, would you not want to help her be happier, more at peace, deal with any issues she's having, before you get into "have my baby or else I'm gone?"

Finally, I love how PPs like the one above and many others here just assume: "Leave her and find another woman, it's easy!" As if you'll find a woman you want to live with and raise children with, within the ideal time frame ASAP so you're not "dropping my kid off at kindergarten when I'm 50." This happens a lot on DCUM, though -- people blithely assuming they can just end their marriages and will find spouses/partners/baby mamas or baby daddies quickly and things will work out perfectly in just the right time frame for everyone's biological clocks.

Pretty naive thinking with zero accounting for things like infertility issues or those baby mamas/daddies being humans with careers, or existing children already, or a need to, you know, actually spend time getting to know you before agreeing to marry and start having children.

A woman who is experiencing infertility might be open to fertility treatments and/or adoption, therefore still willing to raise a child with OP. A woman who doesn’t want children, won’t be. Plus OP is only 33 and it’s not like male fertility is as impacted by age - he can take years to find a new partner.

[Anonymous]

Instead of asking if she is ready to have children now, maybe ask how she is doing and if she is okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of asking if she is ready to have children now, maybe ask how she is doing and if she is okay.

That doesn’t fit the incel narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of asking if she is ready to have children now, maybe ask how she is doing and if she is okay.

That doesn’t fit the incel narrative.

Incel is the new gaslighting where unintelligent people use it as their new buzzword to mean whatever the way want even if it has nothing to do with the actual meaning of the word.