Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

I divorced my spouse when they changed their mind about having kids.

[Anonymous]

How old are you guys?

Do you have any local family?

[Anonymous]

When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

[Anonymous]

Can I get your wife’s number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I get your wife’s number.

Can I get your # OP?

[Anonymous]

Find out if she really wants kids. As PP have said, you need to have a real conversation about this, with a therapist, if necessary. But do NOT pressure her. No ultimatums, no invoking past promises, etc. What she said before about kids is not relevant, and no good will come of pressuring her into having kids. If she does not really want them, then painful as it is, get a divorce. Do NOT let her have kids just because you want them, even if you are willing to take the lead on childcare. That path leads only to resentment all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

I see that this may be heading for divorce. I would have left my DH if he flipflopped on this most important issue. But if this is the only issue in their marriage, they need to hash it out one last time where OP puts everything on the table. DH and I aren't the best communicators and there have been times in our marriage where I needed to be more assertive about my needs, but once I did that, we worked things out.

I think OP will feel better if he does decide to leave if he has at least one last conversation on the issue where he seeks first to understand where she's at on the issue by letting her talk first, then he takes a turn and tells her he can't stay with her if she doesn't want to have kids with him soon. If nothing else, it is much easier to move on if you have closure in your last relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have seen a doctor DW pop out 2 kids in 2 years. Her DH is also super busy. They are able to do so because both sets of grandparents are there to take care of kids.

You cannot do it alone. You have to have a plan for childcare and running the house because both of you have a hectic career.

There is a reason that many high HHI families decide that one parent can SAH, because that sh1t needs to get done too, y'know.

+1 There is a reason why the birth rate for UMC is declining. The moms know that they will be the default parent even if you have daycare/nanny. The moms still take on the majority of the mental load of parenting and dealing with household issues.

OP, you do need to sit down with your DW and have a serious talk about whether she really wants a kid or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have always discussed having at least one child. Even before we were married, we knew we wanted at least one. She’s a physician and works a wild schedule. About 2 years ago, I started bringing up the conversation of starting our family and she was quick to say we could revisit the topic in 6 months when maybe her schedule would be a little more decent. It has now been 2 years of this cycle. She continues to take more and more on at work. Joining new committees, leading new initiatives, and even more on-call NOC rotations. The last conversation we had about it ended with a big argument and I haven’t brought it up since. I don’t want to be 50 and dropping my child off at kindergarten.

At this rate, you won't have any kid to drop off at all.

Sit down and talk to her. Depending on her answer, you'll know what the next step would be.

[Anonymous]

Ask her whether it's because there are things that would make it easier to have a family that you can change (like a lighter schedule -- unless she's in the thick of residency, there are doctor jobs that are lighter loads like working at a doctor's office vs. hospital). Or if she just doesn't want a kid in her heart. Please don't pressure her -- the burden of pregnancy/birth is already unfairly weighted toward the woman. And you may not want to have a kid at 50, but women are MUCH more time-constrained than you by nature of biology.

People do change their minds about this. I changed mine in the opposite direction (wanted 2 kids vs. 0) and then again (wanted 1 kid vs. 2). Thankfully my spouse was fine with anywhere from 0-2.

[Anonymous]

And I second the question about whether you have family around to help. I always say, I would have 2 kids (instead of 1) if my mom lived next door or if daycare were much cheaper. Those things do matter. I would have zero kids if I couldn't afford outside help -- I am the type of mom who finds it extremely stressful and unpleasant to be around a baby or toddler all day and really am at my best self when I outsource some of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife and I have always discussed having at least one child. Even before we were married, we knew we wanted at least one. She’s a physician and works a wild schedule. About 2 years ago, I started bringing up the conversation of starting our family and she was quick to say we could revisit the topic in 6 months when maybe her schedule would be a little more decent. It has now been 2 years of this cycle. She continues to take more and more on at work. Joining new committees, leading new initiatives, and even more on-call NOC rotations. The last conversation we had about it ended with a big argument and I haven’t brought it up since. I don’t want to be 50 and dropping my child off at kindergarten.

Divorce her. She can change her plans after you married, but so can you.

[Anonymous]

You want to start trying for children in January she agreed or you take that to mean she doesn't want children and you will file for divorce. She doesn't get to avoid the topic and kick the can down the road anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want to start trying for children in January she agreed or you take that to mean she doesn't want children and you will file for divorce. She doesn't get to avoid the topic and kick the can down the road anymore.

That sounds like a lovely way to begin the path to parenthood <3