Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You want to start trying for children in January she agreed or you take that to mean she doesn't want children and you will file for divorce. She doesn't get to avoid the topic and kick the can down the road anymore.

That sounds like a lovely way to begin the path to parenthood <3

She's wasting ops time. She asked for 2 years and that deadline has gone time to start trying for kids or admit she doesn't want them do both of them can move on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

[Anonymous]

Get divorced and find a new wife.

[Anonymous]

Find someone younger and hotter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.

You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.

You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.

DP. Um - many seem to blame the man here, including blaming him for “leaving things out.”

But you all projected the entire Covid/Dr. hours onto his situation, yet you know nothing about his wife’s situation. Almost like you are biased against men (as someone else suggested).

OP: when you brought up kids 2 years ago, your spouse answered you loud and clear:

- she took on even more extra work. Volunteered for it, sounds like. During Covid.

She is not planning for kids. To be fair to you: your clock is ticking and she has completely failed to respect you or anything you’ve repeatedly tried to bring up.

She wants to stay married and force you into a childless marriage. Divorce her, find someone younger and hotter, and live a happy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.

You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.

DP. Um - many seem to blame the man here, including blaming him for “leaving things out.”

But you all projected the entire Covid/Dr. hours onto his situation, yet you know nothing about his wife’s situation. Almost like you are biased against men (as someone else suggested).

OP: when you brought up kids 2 years ago, your spouse answered you loud and clear:

- she took on even more extra work. Volunteered for it, sounds like. During Covid.

She is not planning for kids. To be fair to you: your clock is ticking and she has completely failed to respect you or anything you’ve repeatedly tried to bring up.

She wants to stay married and force you into a childless marriage. Divorce her, find someone younger and hotter, and live a happy life.

Sounds like you’re projecting and blaming the wife unnecessarily. We all know about the wife’s work situation because OP clearly stated she worked crazy hours and everyone knows how hard Covid has been on healthcare workers. If anything, ppl like you and me should be grateful there are doctors like OP’s wife in the world who are so dedicated they’re willing to work extra during a pandemic. If that doesn’t work for OP in terms of having kids, he should talk to his wife and divorce instead of complaining on here.

[Anonymous]

If anything, I don’t think the understanding about the impact of COVID on wife’s pregnancy decision is deep enough, particularly if she is in a role that has been impacted by COVID.

As a female with a deep understanding of COVID, I would not consider for one minute having a kid prior to the ability to vaccinate both parents and kids of all ages. Yes, I know millions of babies have been born around the world during the pandemic, but I’m not willing to take on that risk.

Pre-vaccination, getting pregnant substantially increased your risk of serious adverse outcome and the risk to a newborn was also serious. Now, while a vaccinated pregnant woman is safer than unvaccinated, it’s still not entirely clear what the risks are to pregnant women.

Currently, the risks to 0-5 are unclear, particularly in terms of Long COVID. In order to shelter an unvaccinated child you have to seriously limit contact, so daycare is out and maybe even a nanny, potentially meaning a newborn child has to be cared for by a parent until vaccinated.

I’d far prefer to wait until vaccination is available for 0-5. Then the risk of getting sick is much lower, as is the adverse outcome risk, and now there is further mitigation of downside risk from at least 2 possible treatments (antibody and new pill).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, I don’t think the understanding about the impact of COVID on wife’s pregnancy decision is deep enough, particularly if she is in a role that has been impacted by COVID.

As a female with a deep understanding of COVID, I would not consider for one minute having a kid prior to the ability to vaccinate both parents and kids of all ages. Yes, I know millions of babies have been born around the world during the pandemic, but I’m not willing to take on that risk.

Pre-vaccination, getting pregnant substantially increased your risk of serious adverse outcome and the risk to a newborn was also serious. Now, while a vaccinated pregnant woman is safer than unvaccinated, it’s still not entirely clear what the risks are to pregnant women.

Currently, the risks to 0-5 are unclear, particularly in terms of Long COVID. In order to shelter an unvaccinated child you have to seriously limit contact, so daycare is out and maybe even a nanny, potentially meaning a newborn child has to be cared for by a parent until vaccinated.

I’d far prefer to wait until vaccination is available for 0-5. Then the risk of getting sick is much lower, as is the adverse outcome risk, and now there is further mitigation of downside risk from at least 2 possible treatments (antibody and new pill).

Presumably the 0-5 year olds will be sorted out in the year+ it will take to get pregnant, give birth, and have maternity leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's a lady who started a thread who wants to leave her abusive husband, they have no kids and all she wants is to have children and be a SAHM, she's 35.

I'm just mentioning that because I want to point out that there are women put there ready to do what you want, have children!

In all seriousness, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife. If having children is important to you and your wife has changed her mind on it. You need to end marriage and start again.

This. If she doesn't want to be a child caregiver and you want her to be one, you need to think about starting over--maybe with someone who is not so career focused. There are plenty of us out there.

[Anonymous]

I agree with those that have said you need to have a serious talk. If she blows it off tell her that makes you feel like your concerns and feelings are diminished and unimportant.

That said when you do have the sit down, you need to take down your defenses and create an open space for her to admit she doesn’t want kids or she isn’t sure. If she’s scared or feels you’re defensive she will not say it, even if it’s what she feels. Probably out of a fear that you will leave her.

[Anonymous]

OP, schedule a time to sit down and talk to her. Find out what she's thinking--is she afraid of something? If so what--money (is that why she's working extra?) Having a baby during covid? Not being able to spend as much time with the kids as she'd like? Or vice versa? Is she afraid of how motherhood will change her? Or afraid of all the extra work falling to her in addition to her job? Just talk to her. Come prepared with some ideas and solutions. Based on how that conversation goes, you guys can decide whether your goals and wishes still mutually align or if it's time to go your separate ways.

[Anonymous]

She obviously does not want to be a parent. Impossible to know if this is new, or she lied in the beginning.

You either accept having no children, or get a divorce asap. She's wasting your time right now by being dishonest with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

^^This. No one in direct care WANTS to conceive right now if they can help it. So risky, are you kidding? After spending a year plus watching people of all ages die or get lasting organ damage, I think it makes sense to wait until the numbers are lower and there are better drugs available.

One of my friends is a doctor, his wife was pregnant and he was sweating bullets every day at the thought of bringing it home. No thank you. People forget that we only got vaccines last January and that numbers only went down this summer for a brief time before Delta kicked in.