Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go to therapy for help in ending the marriage. Ideally, she will participate, but if she refuses, go alone to resolve all issues before starting a new family. Delay will only increase your resentment. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, but this difference seems irreconciliable.

+1000
Thread should end with this. There’s nothing more helpful and spot-on than this post.

Agree. There is no shame in ending a marriage for this. Its what’s best for everyone (including any future children).

+1

[Anonymous]

Y’all are crazy young and you’re health care providers in COVID. Maybe no precipitous decisions rn just to satisfy DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of there being something of about his wife, the OP should figure out why he wants kids.

He wants kids in the same way that children want pet dogs. Cute to look at and throw a ball to on occasion, while doing none of the work.

This is a good one. I’m going to use this as a comeback to any idiot to questions my being childfree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

You have PLENTY of time. I had my kids at 36 and 39, that's not unusual around here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

A 33 year old guy who is well educated with a career and is a reasonably nice person and not hideous will have no problem finding probably a very attractive well educated woman. In fact, he will be literally swarmed.

Not if he wants kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

A 33 year old guy who is well educated with a career and is a reasonably nice person and not hideous will have no problem finding probably a very attractive well educated woman. In fact, he will be literally swarmed.

Not if he wants kids.

As a 33 year old single female currently looking for a family-oriented guy, I think he will be fine on the dating market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.

You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.

DP. Um - many seem to blame the man here, including blaming him for “leaving things out.”

But you all projected the entire Covid/Dr. hours onto his situation, yet you know nothing about his wife’s situation. Almost like you are biased against men (as someone else suggested).

OP: when you brought up kids 2 years ago, your spouse answered you loud and clear:

- she took on even more extra work. Volunteered for it, sounds like. During Covid.

She is not planning for kids. To be fair to you: your clock is ticking and she has completely failed to respect you or anything you’ve repeatedly tried to bring up.

She wants to stay married and force you into a childless marriage. Divorce her, find someone younger and hotter, and live a happy life.

Sounds like you’re projecting and blaming the wife unnecessarily. We all know about the wife’s work situation because OP clearly stated she worked crazy hours and everyone knows how hard Covid has been on healthcare workers. If anything, ppl like you and me should be grateful there are doctors like OP’s wife in the world who are so dedicated they’re willing to work extra during a pandemic. If that doesn’t work for OP in terms of having kids, he should talk to his wife and divorce instead of complaining on here.

There was a thread recently where the OPs husband was an MD and wanted to push back having kids. Most of the replies were in favor of OP. Most talked about how dumb the idea was and her husband was clearing hiding the fact that he didn’t want kids. There are many more threads about this topic with replies that the man having a busy work schedule is not a valid excuse. Why is it in OPs wife’s case? Why is it okay to put blame on the man and not the woman?

Because unless they hire a surrogate she has to carry the baby. That's physically taxing and she's also a physician during a pandemic. Additionally mothers always take on more responsibility especially with babies and young children. It's never really a 50/50 split.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

A 33 year old guy who is well educated with a career and is a reasonably nice person and not hideous will have no problem finding probably a very attractive well educated woman. In fact, he will be literally swarmed.

Not if he wants kids.

Lol. As a veteran of the DC dating apps, you could not be more mistaken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

You have PLENTY of time. I had my kids at 36 and 39, that's not unusual around here.

He said he doesn’t want to be the old dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When is the last time you had a serious discussion on this issue? In my opinion, you should ask for a lunch or dinner date and preview what you want to discuss so she has time to mentally prepare, then explain to her that you need to have kids and you're ready now and see where she stands on the issue. You can't walk away from your marriage without giving her at least one more chance or it may haunt you. She may not understand how much this issue is weighing on you. Also, I think you need to be ready to discuss how involved you plan to be as a parent. She might be worried that she's going to end up doing 75% of the parenting plus work a stressful job.

She is not on “one more chance.” OP raised having a child 2 years ago and every 6 months since then. She blew him off every single time.

And she continues to take on more and more work. How much more clear does she have to be before OP gets the message? She does not want to have a child with OP.

Sorry not sorry; she doesn’t get another chance.

Lawyer up and divorce her now. You are not getting any younger OP. You deserve better than this.

But 2 years ago was 5 months before COVID shut down the world and made doctors lives hell. When she told OP she would think about it in 6months she didn't know that the 6 month mark was going to be the beginning of pregnant women being at super high risk of a novel virus that was going to turn the entire world upside down. And she's a Doctor - she's probably been in the thick of it.

Is OP understanding of how taxing and stressful a pregnancy would be for a doctor right now? My husband and I are going to TTC soon, but jesus, I'm nervous about COVID and I'm not surrounded by it all the time!

OP, carefully consider what you think parenting will look like. What do you want to do for childcare? How much leave are you going to take from work once a baby is born? How much childcare will you be doing - and I'm talking night wakings, bottles, diapers, laundry, pediatrician appt's, school pickup/drop off, looking for daycare, choosing daycare, paying kid bills, driving to/from playdates and extracurriculars, PLUS all the planning of those things. If you're not going to be doing at least 50% of all of the kid things (which includes minimal playing for the first several years and is mostly grunt work and NOT fun) then you should divorce her and find someone else who doesn't have a super demanding job.

the bolded is VERY valid. i wanted two kids originally and i said absolutely NOT (which husband was fine with) to a second one after the pandemic hit.

+1 I'm a physician and the past 18+ have been insane. You also mention crazy hours so there's a good chance she's in a hospital-based specialty as opposed to clinic/outpatient.

You've left out a lot the the relevant issues in this discussion. How old are you both? What is your career and do you have regular hours? When you have had a calm conversation about this, what are her barriers to being ready? Are you the kind of person who takes the lead on things at home, and do you plan to be the primary parent? It usually defaults to women but if you're committed to being the person who arranges/manages childcare, healthcare, pickups, bills, shopping and meals then she may feel more ready to move ahead.

DP. Um - many seem to blame the man here, including blaming him for “leaving things out.”

But you all projected the entire Covid/Dr. hours onto his situation, yet you know nothing about his wife’s situation. Almost like you are biased against men (as someone else suggested).

OP: when you brought up kids 2 years ago, your spouse answered you loud and clear:

- she took on even more extra work. Volunteered for it, sounds like. During Covid.

She is not planning for kids. To be fair to you: your clock is ticking and she has completely failed to respect you or anything you’ve repeatedly tried to bring up.

She wants to stay married and force you into a childless marriage. Divorce her, find someone younger and hotter, and live a happy life.

Sounds like you’re projecting and blaming the wife unnecessarily. We all know about the wife’s work situation because OP clearly stated she worked crazy hours and everyone knows how hard Covid has been on healthcare workers. If anything, ppl like you and me should be grateful there are doctors like OP’s wife in the world who are so dedicated they’re willing to work extra during a pandemic. If that doesn’t work for OP in terms of having kids, he should talk to his wife and divorce instead of complaining on here.

There was a thread recently where the OPs husband was an MD and wanted to push back having kids. Most of the replies were in favor of OP. Most talked about how dumb the idea was and her husband was clearing hiding the fact that he didn’t want kids. There are many more threads about this topic with replies that the man having a busy work schedule is not a valid excuse. Why is it in OPs wife’s case? Why is it okay to put blame on the man and not the woman?

Because unless they hire a surrogate she has to carry the baby. That's physically taxing and she's also a physician during a pandemic. Additionally mothers always take on more responsibility especially with babies and young children. It's never really a 50/50 split.

She does not want a kid (let alone 2).

Her answers are clear: she has volunteered her time to take on even more assignments at work, and: she’s consistently put him off regularly for over 2 years.

Stop making excuses for her, ladies. And OP does not want to be an old dad.

Now it is time for OP to make his choice.

[Anonymous]

Both OP and his wife are justified to feel how they feel. Talking about OP's dateability or his wife's reasoning is extra noise, but the point remains: not being on the same page about children is a very legitimate dealbreaker.

Sit down with your wife and lay it all out -- really understand where her apprehension lies (if it's timing, worries about carrying, anxieties about parenting)..if it can be resolved, great. If not, I would consider divorce OP. Im sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both OP and his wife are justified to feel how they feel. Talking about OP's dateability or his wife's reasoning is extra noise, but the point remains: not being on the same page about children is a very legitimate dealbreaker.

Sit down with your wife and lay it all out -- really understand where her apprehension lies (if it's timing, worries about carrying, anxieties about parenting)..if it can be resolved, great. If not, I would consider divorce OP. Im sorry.

Seems like the whole topic of “division of labor / child care duty” was artificially created by DCUMAD anonymous contributors, and then projected onto OP’s question.

Are many of you struggling with your own unresolved issues, and projecting onto the man who created this thread ??

[Anonymous]

If OP is so serious about having his lineage out there, why not just donate sperm to a sperm clinic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was similar to OP’s wife. Wanted kids before marriage and changed my mind after. Once I realized that DH would make a terrible parent. Eventually got talked into it, with promises of how he would do things differently, and I was right, he is not a good father. His parenting instincts are about as wrong as they can be, and he won’t take input because he thinks he’s a great dad. He barely has a relationship with his child, and he can’t see it, even with it spelled out for him. We have a wonderful kid, and I have to run interference constantly to make sure that his hamfisted attempts at being a parent doesn’t impact her negatively.

I don’t know if that could be the reason OP’s wife is balking, but it absolutely is something he should think about. How is the division of labor? How supportive is he of her and her crazy schedule? Has he given her any reason to believe that he won’t pull his weight, or that he likes the idea of being a father rather than actually doing the work?

That’s only to say that some introspection could be helpful, if not in this relationship, but in the next one, should OP become a father.

Yes! My husband talked me into it. Love my son to pieces but boy did I get left holding the bag. Husband continued to live life as if he didn’t have a kid. Would leave the childcare to his mom / nanny. Only spent time with son when he felt like it. Our son should have been fluent in my husband’s native language already but husband never really practiced it with our son. It’s just so frustrating. Yes, I work too so the option was to let the nanny raise our son or step back so I could be there.