Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

I was similar to OP’s wife. Wanted kids before marriage and changed my mind after. Once I realized that DH would make a terrible parent. Eventually got talked into it, with promises of how he would do things differently, and I was right, he is not a good father. His parenting instincts are about as wrong as they can be, and he won’t take input because he thinks he’s a great dad. He barely has a relationship with his child, and he can’t see it, even with it spelled out for him. We have a wonderful kid, and I have to run interference constantly to make sure that his hamfisted attempts at being a parent doesn’t impact her negatively.

I don’t know if that could be the reason OP’s wife is balking, but it absolutely is something he should think about. How is the division of labor? How supportive is he of her and her crazy schedule? Has he given her any reason to believe that he won’t pull his weight, or that he likes the idea of being a father rather than actually doing the work?

That’s only to say that some introspection could be helpful, if not in this relationship, but in the next one, should OP become a father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was similar to OP’s wife. Wanted kids before marriage and changed my mind after. Once I realized that DH would make a terrible parent. Eventually got talked into it, with promises of how he would do things differently, and I was right, he is not a good father. His parenting instincts are about as wrong as they can be, and he won’t take input because he thinks he’s a great dad. He barely has a relationship with his child, and he can’t see it, even with it spelled out for him. We have a wonderful kid, and I have to run interference constantly to make sure that his hamfisted attempts at being a parent doesn’t impact her negatively.

I don’t know if that could be the reason OP’s wife is balking, but it absolutely is something he should think about. How is the division of labor? How supportive is he of her and her crazy schedule? Has he given her any reason to believe that he won’t pull his weight, or that he likes the idea of being a father rather than actually doing the work?

That’s only to say that some introspection could be helpful, if not in this relationship, but in the next one, should OP become a father.

Given how little OP has engaged here, I don’t think introspection is his strong suit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was similar to OP’s wife. Wanted kids before marriage and changed my mind after. Once I realized that DH would make a terrible parent. Eventually got talked into it, with promises of how he would do things differently, and I was right, he is not a good father. His parenting instincts are about as wrong as they can be, and he won’t take input because he thinks he’s a great dad. He barely has a relationship with his child, and he can’t see it, even with it spelled out for him. We have a wonderful kid, and I have to run interference constantly to make sure that his hamfisted attempts at being a parent doesn’t impact her negatively.

I don’t know if that could be the reason OP’s wife is balking, but it absolutely is something he should think about. How is the division of labor? How supportive is he of her and her crazy schedule? Has he given her any reason to believe that he won’t pull his weight, or that he likes the idea of being a father rather than actually doing the work?

That’s only to say that some introspection could be helpful, if not in this relationship, but in the next one, should OP become a father.

Given how little OP has engaged here, I don’t think introspection is his strong suit.

Given how little OP has been engaging makes me think his schedule is just as busy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go to therapy for help in ending the marriage. Ideally, she will participate, but if she refuses, go alone to resolve all issues before starting a new family. Delay will only increase your resentment. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, but this difference seems irreconciliable.

+1000
Thread should end with this. There’s nothing more helpful and spot-on than this post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are both 33. Agreement before marriage was at least one child and planned to start trying at 30. I’m a CRNA with an option (and expressed willingness) to take on reduced hours. Her parents are in the area and would be over the moon to help. I’ve always been attracted to how career oriented she is but now it’s just plain frustrating. I’m on the hook because she’s not saying she doesn’t want children, just not now. We both know we don’t have much more time. Last time I brought it up, it ended in a huge argument and she ended up sleeping in one of the guest rooms for a few days. Her solution was freezing her eggs and revisiting this topic again later. That’s not a solution to me. That’s prolonging the current cycle that I’ve been in for 2 years. We honestly don’t argue much at all but this topic shuts her down completely.

I was totally with you OP and even posted that I wanted your #. But when she is pregnant with back pain, knee pain, crazy hormones fluctuations and she slips and says something less than perfect are you going to make her sleep across the way again? Take her butt pillow? Father material would offer to take the guest room so she wouldn't be cold/have menstrual pain/etc. BTW normal men buy their wife tampons, fluff her pillows, and warm the bed when she is menstruating and subsequently bring her pillows and food when she is pregnant.

I’m under the impression that she chose to sleep in a different room. What are you even talking about regarding tampons? Has nothing to do with it. He didn’t say I kicked her out and made her sleep in a different room. Usually if you’re the one with the issue, you sleep in a different room. Why would he have to give up the master if he doesn’t have an issue.

LOL about the tampons. And what the hell is a butt pillow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was similar to OP’s wife. Wanted kids before marriage and changed my mind after. Once I realized that DH would make a terrible parent. Eventually got talked into it, with promises of how he would do things differently, and I was right, he is not a good father. His parenting instincts are about as wrong as they can be, and he won’t take input because he thinks he’s a great dad. He barely has a relationship with his child, and he can’t see it, even with it spelled out for him. We have a wonderful kid, and I have to run interference constantly to make sure that his hamfisted attempts at being a parent doesn’t impact her negatively.

I don’t know if that could be the reason OP’s wife is balking, but it absolutely is something he should think about. How is the division of labor? How supportive is he of her and her crazy schedule? Has he given her any reason to believe that he won’t pull his weight, or that he likes the idea of being a father rather than actually doing the work?

That’s only to say that some introspection could be helpful, if not in this relationship, but in the next one, should OP become a father.

Given how little OP has engaged here, I don’t think introspection is his strong suit.

Given how little OP has been engaging makes me think his schedule is just as busy.

I think you're both right. OP's childcare plan is to dump it on his wife's parents and 'reduce' his hours. You're a CRNA and she's a physician in a pandemic - you need to offer to quit and do literally everything around the house, and for the child AND her, without asking for any help from her parents and then see what she says when you say her sole responsibility is to go to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would go to therapy for help in ending the marriage. Ideally, she will participate, but if she refuses, go alone to resolve all issues before starting a new family. Delay will only increase your resentment. She is not a bad person, and neither are you, but this difference seems irreconciliable.

+1000
Thread should end with this. There’s nothing more helpful and spot-on than this post.

Agree. There is no shame in ending a marriage for this. Its what’s best for everyone (including any future children).

[Anonymous]

Men can't have it all either. They can have the high-income earning wife OR the traditional homemaker.

Both men AND women have been fooled into a fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

THiS. My husband begged and begged and even told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t want kids (ok, I should have let him). After our son was born, he dug deeper at work, worked late and all the time, entertained clients, came and went as he pleased. I had to quit my job and do all the kid stuff. NOT OK

So the question is… why do men want children? There doesn’t seem to be anything in it for them except to burden their wives with the child rearing tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

THiS. My husband begged and begged and even told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t want kids (ok, I should have let him). After our son was born, he dug deeper at work, worked late and all the time, entertained clients, came and went as he pleased. I had to quit my job and do all the kid stuff. NOT OK

So the question is… why do men want children? There doesn’t seem to be anything in it for them except to burden their wives with the child rearing tasks.

Ego about his dna and bloodline it appears for PP who had to quit her job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

A 33 year old guy who is well educated with a career and is a reasonably nice person and not hideous will have no problem finding probably a very attractive well educated woman. In fact, he will be literally swarmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Her actions have already proved she's not interested in parenting. What's therapy for?

+1

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

At 33 you can divorce and start again. Wait a few years and it gets much harder.

He can divorce, but there are no guarantees he will meet someone else and have kids. I am not saying he should stay with his wife if she truly doesn’t want to have kids (which I’m not convinced is the case), but I think it’s worth OP considering whether he will still be glad he divorced his wife if he never has kids with anyone.

A 33 year old guy who is well educated with a career and is a reasonably nice person and not hideous will have no problem finding probably a very attractive well educated woman. In fact, he will be literally swarmed.

A well educated woman is going to be smart enough to not screw herself over by becoming a mother. OP sounds like he’s going to divorce and settle for some lowly educated woman like the OP of the “DH doesn’t want me to work retail” thread who had a PhD husband. Well, guess what? That lady doesn’t want to stay home and hang around her kids either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

THiS. My husband begged and begged and even told me he’d find someone else if I didn’t want kids (ok, I should have let him). After our son was born, he dug deeper at work, worked late and all the time, entertained clients, came and went as he pleased. I had to quit my job and do all the kid stuff. NOT OK

So the question is… why do men want children? There doesn’t seem to be anything in it for them except to burden their wives with the child rearing tasks.

They don’t really want them. Not in the sense of actually raising them.

[Anonymous]

Instead of there being something of about his wife, the OP should figure out why he wants kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of there being something of about his wife, the OP should figure out why he wants kids.

He wants kids in the same way that children want pet dogs. Cute to look at and throw a ball to on occasion, while doing none of the work.