Wife backing out on having kids

[Anonymous]

My wife and I have always discussed having at least one child. Even before we were married, we knew we wanted at least one. She’s a physician and works a wild schedule. About 2 years ago, I started bringing up the conversation of starting our family and she was quick to say we could revisit the topic in 6 months when maybe her schedule would be a little more decent. It has now been 2 years of this cycle. She continues to take more and more on at work. Joining new committees, leading new initiatives, and even more on-call NOC rotations. The last conversation we had about it ended with a big argument and I haven’t brought it up since. I don’t want to be 50 and dropping my child off at kindergarten.

[Anonymous]

1. She’s a doctor during Covid. Her past 2 years and your past 2 years are not the same.

2. You won’t be 50 and dropping off your kid at kindergarten because your wife will have aged out of having a kid by then.

3. Your wife backed out on kids. You can back out on your wife. 100% reasonable if kids were promised and a dealbreaker.

[Anonymous]

Find a new wife. I'm serious. Or see if she's willing to pay for a surrogate or adoption.

[Anonymous]

If this is important to you, then bring it up. Make an appointment: “I know you are really busy. I’d like to find some time where we can both sit down and talk through some important issues without interruption. What are some times where that can happen?” Then share what’s going on. Ask her point blank: Are you still interested in having kids?

[Anonymous]

Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

[Anonymous]

There's a lady who started a thread who wants to leave her abusive husband, they have no kids and all she wants is to have children and be a SAHM, she's 35.

I'm just mentioning that because I want to point out that there are women put there ready to do what you want, have children!

In all seriousness, you need to have a serious conversation with your wife. If having children is important to you and your wife has changed her mind on it. You need to end marriage and start again.

[Anonymous]

How old are you?

Just say you want kids and if she doesn’t you respect that but would like to be given the opportunity to marry someone who dies.

I assume you plan to be primary caregiver since she has “the more intense job”. Is that true?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this is important to you, then bring it up. Make an appointment: “I know you are really busy. I’d like to find some time where we can both sit down and talk through some important issues without interruption. What are some times where that can happen?” Then share what’s going on. Ask her point blank: Are you still interested in having kids?

This. You need to be clear that not having kids is a deal breaker for you. How old are you both? If she's a doctor then she knows that a woman's fertility starts to drop at 30. Unless you're both 27, I would say that you need to start trying within 2 months or you leave. Don't pressure her to have kids, but just be clear that you won't stay without it.

Also discuss childcare, division of childcare and domestic labor, etc. How do you plan to support the children's needs and keep up with domestic tasks? Nanny, daycare, weekly cleaner, meal planning, etc.?

[Anonymous]

This is a total deal breaker. I am sorry you are going through this. You didn't mention how old your wife is but if she is approaching mid-30s, your window is going to close with her soon.

[Anonymous]

OP if she wanted to have kids, she would.
She doesn’t want kids.
Maybe it’s time to separate and move towards divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Before you decide that having kids is a dealbreaker, think about how much parenting you plan to do. If it isn’t at least half the work, then you really have no business pressuring her to have a child.

This. Her schedule will not evaporate. You will still be married to a doctor. Have you given her reason to believe you’re not going to be an equal partner at home?

[Anonymous]

She owes you the truth, not deflection. Ask her to be honest with you about whether she has changed there mind regarding kids. If she has, then you get to decide whether you want to stay or go.

But what she's doing now is unfair and disrespectful to you. You don't get to pressure her to have kids if she doesn't want to, but you are entitled to honesty from her.

[Anonymous]

Dump her.

Seriously, you need to divorce her ASAP. It should be easy - no child support to navigate.

Just eject. She is not going to change. Ever.

Her career? - that is her “child.” She will leave you childless and bitter, so eject now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if she wanted to have kids, she would.
She doesn’t want kids.
Maybe it’s time to separate and move towards divorce.

No “maybe” about this. Divorce her.

Even if she biologically becomes a mom, she will never be a good mom because she will put her career first. Child might come a distant second.

Guess where you come, OP?

[Anonymous]

I have seen a doctor DW pop out 2 kids in 2 years. Her DH is also super busy. They are able to do so because both sets of grandparents are there to take care of kids.

You cannot do it alone. You have to have a plan for childcare and running the house because both of you have a hectic career.

There is a reason that many high HHI families decide that one parent can SAH, because that sh1t needs to get done too, y'know.